in regards to my attempting to fast. again. today. for the third day in a row. it has been, so far, successful. which makes me super happy. considering my ass couldn't do it the first two times. i don't know why i'm okay today. don't really want to think about it. i'm really numb right now. had a long discussion with my H last night. all about the current "living situation" and the whole SICK ASS SELFISH mother-in-law thing. it kinda drained me. he's drained too. its so damn sad she's doing this to him. and has been doing similar shit his whole life. it makes me physically sick. i almost threw up doing the "talk" and started gagging. this whole thing has been a major trigger for me. its crazy. i mean, don't get me wrong. i know what i do is my own doing. i take total responsibility for my actions and what not. but damn, my weight loss has dropped to almost high school weight. i mean that's crazy. considering i'll be 30 in june. i mean, hey, i love it. but somewhere deep inside i know its not healthy and i know its a big sign of me being sucked into ED. it's funny. ironic. whatever, but i like know all of the things i do in regards to food and weight are wrong. i am heavily aware of the sickness. where as when i was younger, i hadn't a clue. i honestly thought everything was okay. but now.... i mean... i really know. and yet... i still do it.
i'm reading Hunger Point by Jillian Medoff. again. and like an hour ago i came across this one part that totally sums things up for me. here, read on. this is taken from Shelly's diary:
"They ask me what I think of food. I tell them I don't know, but I do. I know everything about it. I feel like I'm at war. It's all about the battle. I am always aware of what I'm doing. I watch myself watch the plate, I watch my hand lift my fork. I watch the mouth that opens like a cunt, the fork that slides in like a dick. That fucks me every time I swallow. I watch every second. I savor it all. The object, however, is to not let them know that you know this. Because if they do, they will take it away. Not the food, of course, but the knowing. Your absolute certainty that you will win. That's the real war, not the food, but the fuck and the desire of that fuck that I can control and deny. That I can destroy. You destroy the hunger, you destroy the desire, you destroy the need, you destroy the girl. The Me. And once I'm gone, what's left to fuck?"
age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 112 LBS
BMI - 19.22
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