growling update

so i went on my google agenda and adjusted my 2468 plan again. i just felt like was eating way too much this week. so i'm liquid fasting today. so far so good. i've had 2 sugar free redbulls (20 cals), tons of green tea/ginseng tea (0 cals), a frozen fuit pop (40 cals), and half a serving of a protein smoothie (1/2 Naked Protein serving - 110 cals). so total of 170 cals. not bad. i decided to add little bits of liquid protein smoothies to my intake on fast days just so i can keep up with my 2 year old. she's a bit nutty, especially on the weekends. lots of energy. anywho, i plan on having some chicken broth later (about 20 cals per cup) and more green/ginseng tea. that's it for the rest of the day. so i'm hoping not to go over 200 cals today, even though it is technically a FAST day. i just having gotten strong enough for a total water fast as of yet and i really don't want to set myself up for a binge. maybe when i start really working, i'll be able to go an entire day with water and tea only. we'll see.

la la la. i've been extremely tired and depressed lately. all i want to do is sleep. but my daughter needs me, so i can't. i'm twisted up in knots. and bored out of my mind. which is NOT a good thing. being that... i eat when i'm bored and then obsess about how fat i've become. blah.

i'm so depressed. i don't even have it in me to complain or write right now. sad.

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 117 LBS
BMI - 20.08

no more llama drama

this week has sucked majorly in the food department. i have surpassed my allotments for everyday (tues, weds, thurs) except Monday's fast and today's 800. so far i'm at 657. thank god. unfortunately, i haven't lost any more weight. stuck on 117. but thanks be i haven't gained. i'm hoping to just stay at 657 being that its 9:37 pm where i am. but my husband just came in and said "i think i'm going to go get a pizza". FUCK PIZZA! FUCK FOOD!

the drama in this house is making me lose my damn mind. i can't live with his mother anymore. everyday this week (besides monday and today) i have gorged on 900-1000 calories. BAH! this bitch is deluded and she doesn't care about anyone but herself. i was in fucking recovery goddamn it. i was doing okay. then my internship came to completion and she pushed her way into our home. she's making my husband crazy, she's making me crazy, and worst of all she's making my daughter crazy.

sigh. i could go on about this forever. all i want is everyone here to be happy. this little family of mine was supposed to be a new start for me. was supposed to help me overcome all the disappointments in my immediate family. and i'm so worried my daughter is going to hate me and have all the same problems i have. i just.... i want everyone to be okay. please.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 117 LBS

BMI - 20.08

back to work

yesterday turned out bad. ended at 955 cal. yuck. but today has been much better. its a 400 cal day and, so far, i'm at 275. so i haven't gone over like i did so quickly yesterday. bah. i'm trying to fill up on water and green tea for the rest of the day and hopefully dinner won't make me crazy. all i'm allowed to have now is 125 so i've got to be extremely cautious cuz its easy to go over for me. damn it all.

anyways, i start working again in the beginning of march. i am so excited about not being stuck in this house anymore. its much easier to NOT EAT when i'm working. and i sure love working. yayayayayay. plus, my work clothes are all so loose now (which i love). it's amazing how much difference 15 LBS makes. thank god. i'm hoping for 115 before i start officially teaching again. that would be wonderful. but for some reason, the last couple days, i've been stuck on 117. prolly cuz i didn't stick to 200 last night and the weekend was a horrendous eating/drinking extravaganza.

i need more exercise. i need to do sit-ups/crunches every night from now on. this is my new goal! EVERY NIGHT NO MATTER WHAT i will do at least 100 crunches!

blah. blah. blah. today will be better. it already is. and it will end well. cuz it has to. there. I'M THE BOSS!!

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 117 LBS
BMI - 20.08

BUST

okay. today was a definite bust. i'm at 955 cal so far. hoping no more. I WILL NOT EAT ANYMORE TODAY! BAH! this really sucks. i was so spirited earlier. arg.

tomorrow is a new day. tomorrow is 400 only. 400. I CAN DO THIS SHIT! I WILL BE THIN!

i feel crazy right now. i feel ashamed. ashamed that i'm so fucking fat. ashamed that i am so unattractive. ashamed that i feel this way.

i hate how my mood shifts so rapidly. i wish i could have a little more self control. damn it all.

enough is enough is enough. tomorrow. 400. sticking to it!

smart water is the bomb diggity

i just love smart water. and vitamin water. the coolest thing is that they're made by the same company. glaceau rocks. i love them. just thought i would post this. thanks. for humoring me. you may go on about your day now.

my new agenda, adjusted plans...

success! SUCCESS ON MY LIQUID ONLY FAST YESTERDAY! never ate one solid thing. just had broth, vitamin water, smart water, one cherry flavored jolly rancher hard candy and 2 sugar free redbulls all damn day! YAY! went to bed with only a max of 90 cals in me. i know it isn't a true fast, but damn, being that i'm a binger/purger i think its fucking amazing! YAY!

woke up this morning. scale still says 117 LBS. its okay. hoping for 116 tomorrow.

in other news, i've added this google agenda app to my blog (as i'm sure you all can see) in order to help me keep track of my personalized 2468 plan. today is supposed to be 200 max, but i've already gone over. i'm at 412 and its only 12:50pm. damn. thats okay thats okay. no more food for the day. i think i can i think i can. i know i can i know i can.

anyways, if you lovely ladies have any comments and/or suggestions in regards to my new agenda thingy, please let me know so i can make it better (and possibly be more successful). i find it extremely difficult to stay below 500 when eating anything. perhaps i should keep my 200 and 400 days on liquids like protein shakes or something. whatdya all think? I NEED FEEDBACK PLEASE~!

also, just to let you all know. i'm a major attention whore. being that i'm a gemini from a rather large family and am fucking crazy. i love attention. and ever since i've had my daughter, i really don't receive the necessary doses i require in order to survive. here. it this messed up world. that drives me nutty. hourly. believe me. blah!

now i'm starting to ramble. so i will go. and smoke some cigs and try to calm down.

PS--> TODAY IS CLEANING DAY! YAY!

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 117 LBS

BMI - 20.08

monday, monday, monday!

still 117 LBS. i'm ok with that. for now. fast day (or closest thing to it). so far so good. all i've had today is a sip of vitamin water, lots of smart water, green/ginseng tea, and two sugar free redbulls. max cal intake (so far) about 30 (if i include the sip of vitamin water, albeit i'm rounding up).

i feel good today. i feel like today will be a successful no food day. i'm hungry. but its not bothering me. i feel happy. which is a big deal. for me. i took my daughter to the library today and we joined a free play group. she loves to play. and she's being so silly today. such a ham. she brightens my day so completely. god. i never thought i would ever be able to feel sooooooooooooo much love for another person. really. i mean, i love my husband. but the heart i have for my daughter is a wordless full (in a good way) feeling. i feel lighter than ever when she smiles at me. lighter than ever. really i do. i love her so much.

just thought to add that. love is good stuff.

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 117 LBS
BMI - 20.08

EDIT:

okay, so i've added a couple more sips of vitamin water and some chicken broth just to hold me over through the rest of the day. right now, it is 6:39 pm eastern. i think i can! I FEEL GOOD! total cal intake today = 65. HELL YES!

i will not binge. i will not binge. i will not eat. i will not eat. tomorrow i can eat. today i stick to green/ginseng tea for the rest of the night. i will not eat. i will not binge. I AM THE BOSS!!

2468 info... interesting.

"The 2-4-6-8 diet is supposed to stimulate metabolism by tricking body to think person is increasing food intake. Oppositely, 2-4-6-8- diet helps anorexic person to maintain dangerously low calorie intake levels. Sudden, drastic and potentially lethal weight loss is the only result. There is no evidence this kind of diet gives any of the desired results. Maybe this is the reason this is one of the most popular diets among restrictors. It is possible to rotate the number of calories on a given day in order to keep their metabolism up. There are different ways to rotate, either reversing 2-4-6-8 diet starting with 8 or doing 2-4-6-8-6-4-2. As this is a very strict diet there is no room for junk food or caloric beverages. Also this diet is not considered as maintenance but is designed to kick start your metabolism or to keep you break through a weight-loss plateau. Average of weekly weight loosing is up to 4 pounds if you are at a “normal” weight but more like 2 pounds if you are already underweight."

taken from ---> http://www.steadyhealth.com/2_4_6_8_diet_t54119.html

the only reason i posted again today is bcuz, when stumbling upon a site talking about this metabolism diet thing i've been attempting.... i didn't even know there was a name for it. anywho, maybe i should stick to my special plan. it has been helping me lose LBS pretty fast (as long as i stick to it, without binging. and i can change it up a little, do a repeat thing back and forth, flipping it around.

for example (as said in article): 2-4-6-8-6-4-2 and throw a fast day in there. i like fasting on Mondays for some reason. i'm pretty busy on Mondays and it seems easier for me to stay distracted from food.

okay ladies. comment time. whatdya think? any feedback on the matter. where should i go with this in order to alter my previous plan in a way in which i can be more successful in my weight loss? help please. thanks.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 117 LBS

BMI - 20.08

weekends throw me all off

still losing. thank god. slowly. but losing.

this weekend sucked. i don't even know why really. it just sucked. i eat way too much on the weekends. i think its bcuz my husband is home. whatever.

last night we went for a jog. that was nice. then we went out for drinks. nice too. then BAM fast food stop before home. YUCK. binged. purged. done. okay, but i'm one LB lighter than yesterday. nice again.

i realize i'm not making much sense today. i'm sooooooooooo tired. just feel like sleeping all day. but that wouldn't be fair to my little girl. she likes to hang out with both her parents on the weekends and i like to accommodate her in that respect. she deserves it. she's awesome and beautiful and has made my life worth living. so, my husband let me sleep in until 9:30am (which is a huge deal). and now we're off. yay. what to do, what to do? (hopefully there won't be much eating involved).

anywho, i'm going to shut up now and attempt to focus on my girl and not my food. lovely. wish me luck ladies.

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 117 LBS
BMI - 20.08

bad, bad girl

i've been bad. real bad. the past two days have been horrible. i've been eating way too much and totally ignoring "my plan". i think i've given up on the idea of it. i definitely need new goals. last night my husband brought home taco bell. WTF!? PROCESSED HELL is more like it. i binged like crazy and ran to the bathroom. have no idea what happened after than cuz... well... i was drunk. i think that's why the last two days have been bad. got a bottle of wine WEDS night and drank half of it then and the rest last night. both nights i binged on crap. BAH!

however, the scale still reads 117.8 and i have no clue why. weird. today has become hard. i was suppose to eat 600. right now i'm at 400. that only leaves me 200 for the rest of the day. i dunno. i think i'm going to keep Mondays and Tuesdays as fasting days and then just try to stay below 650 every other day. i don't know if it will work. i don't even want to eat much anymore. i like just drinking my cals. red bulls, vitamin water, occasional juice and soups. thats about it. but unfortunately i need to be more flexible with a toddler at home. i don't want to fuck her eating habits up. you know? i need to "appear" like i'm eating healthy for her sake.

wells... any suggestion people? i really need some help with this. good plans? good "appearances" ideas? help me out.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 118 LBS

BMI - 20.25

losing can be a good thing, sometimes....

woke up this morning. got on the scale. it read 117.8. i have no idea how this happened, considering i ate dinner and then binged on MC-Ds when my husband came home last night (of course i purged after, though i hate it every time and i always feel like i didn't get rid of it all). anywho, i've rounded up to 118 LBS for today. holy shit ola. but i'm not complaining. PLEASE LET ME BE 117 tomorrow. PLEASE.

i've already surpassed my calorie allotment for the day. i'm at 255 currently. and am STARVING. it seems to me easier to not eat at all than to try to stick to a particular number. and then when i go over, i feel like such a loser that i give in and pig out like a disgusting animal. it really is gross. but if i can stay below 300 today, i'll be happy. tomorrow is 400. we'll see.

i've been considering revamping my "diet plan" to something new cuz i've been attempting this for almost a month now and i haven't had one total successful week yet. all be it, i am losing weight. just not fast enough. i'm definitely not satisfied. although, to be honest, i don't think i'll ever be truly content with my body and weight. duh. anyways, if any of you ladies have any ideas of a new "diet plan" or course of action, please feel free to comment. i need comments. thanks.

in other news, i've been going to the library like crazy with my daughter. getting her lots of movies and books to look at each week. while there, i've been checking out ED books. right now i have 10 out. i definitely suggest ZERO by Diane Tullson (not sure of the spelling and i'm too lazy to get up right now to check, will edit later if necessary). this was a very good rendition of a girl with both Anorexia and Bulimia. beware, though, can be immensely triggering. its a really easy read being that its a young adult novel. having a hard time finding ED fiction written for adults. which sucks. the damn libraries here are always out of the good ones or don't have them at all and i'm dirt poor right now, so i'm not even going to think of purchasing a book.

alright, i'm going to shut up now. i'm bored. and tired. and i need a cigarette.

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 118 LBS
BMI - 20.25

• Monday - preferably 0 cals - water only fast (but if feeling drastic, can have chicken broth or beef broth).
• Tuesday - Little cals - liquid only fast (can have sugar free red bulls, vitamin water, and watered-down juice
• Wednesday - 200 cals - proteins and veggies if possible.
• Thursday - 400 cals - proteins, veggies, and little dairy if possible.
• Friday - 600 cals - proteins, veggies, and dairy.
• Saturday - 800 cals - proteins, veggies, fruits and dairy.
• Sunday (AKA eat day) - 1000 cals - anything, as long as you don't go over 1000 max.

rar

okay. so i ate dinner with my daughter. 1/2 cup of white rice with margarine, 1/2 cup lima beans, 1/2 cup ground beef. FUCK. all together today = 506 cal. wtf? i was suppose to be fasting. my lack of willpower is killing me. and now that the plan blew to shit, all i can think about is eating like a sow and barfing. BAH! i need structure. i need self control. i need a trainer. i need some one to slap me upside the head (daily, mind you) and remind me how fat i've become! bleh.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 120 LBS

BMI - 20.6

• Monday - preferably 0 cals - water only fast (but if feeling drastic, can have chicken broth or beef broth).
• Tuesday - Little cals - liquid only fast (can have sugar free red bulls, vitamin water, and watered-down juice
• Wednesday - 200 cals - proteins and veggies if possible.
• Thursday - 400 cals - proteins, veggies, and little dairy if possible.
• Friday - 600 cals - proteins, veggies, and dairy.
• Saturday - 800 cals - proteins, veggies, fruits and dairy.
• Sunday (AKA eat day) - 1000 cals - anything, as long as you don't go over 1000 max.

form fitted and fat

success on yesterday's fast. mostly. thank god! couldn't stick to water only, so i had two sugar free redbulls, lots of green/ginseng tea, and beef broth. about a total of 50 cals. had no solid food whatsoever. and near the end (late night) it was soooooooooo difficult to stick to it. but i did. so pat me on the back bitches.

today has been successful so far too. all i've had is water, green/ginseng tea, vitamin water, and beef broth. my daughter stuck a strawberry in my mouth, but i really don't count that cuz i didn't want to "not eat" in front of her now that she has her appetite back. so 1 strawberry. i think that's like 7 calories or something like that. i'll have to check. anywho, so far i've only had about 40 cals. good good.

tomorrow i can have 200 cals. i'll keep it light. i have a ton of errands to run and i'm volunteering tomorrow, so it should be easy. hopefully. that damn chocolate cake is still in the fridge whispering lewd temptations my way, but i've been doing an awesome job ignoring it.... so far. i begged my husband to take the frickin thing to work for him, but i think he knows it calls to me and for some reason revels in that. blah. whatever.

i dropped a LB. back down to 120. hoping 119 tomorrow after today's fast. slowly but surely down, down, down. couldn't sleep until late last night. wrote a new poem (its been soooooooooooooooo long since i've written anything with any clout). anyways, please don't take it or use it without my permission. thanks. here goes....

HUNGER

dry mouth
swollen tongue
smelling faintly of vomit
and listerine
masked shame
and horror
feeling nothing
seeing nothing
knowing too much
hoping to forget
and it tears at me
like sharp tiny teeth
gnawing
at my insides
roaring within
as relentless knives stab
sending shooting pangs
up my spine
and back
down through my bowels
disease ridden
and rotten
a hollow hole
filled
with invisible shit

ncl....2010.

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 120 LBS
BMI - 20.6

• Monday - preferably 0 cals - water only fast (but if feeling drastic, can have chicken broth or beef broth).
• Tuesday - Little cals - liquid only fast (can have sugar free red bulls, vitamin water, and watered-down juice
• Wednesday - 200 cals - proteins and veggies if possible.
• Thursday - 400 cals - proteins, veggies, and little dairy if possible.
• Friday - 600 cals - proteins, veggies, and dairy.
• Saturday - 800 cals - proteins, veggies, fruits and dairy.
• Sunday (AKA eat day) - 1000 cals - anything, as long as you don't go over 1000 max.

with a moo moo here and a moo moo there...

the weekend absolutely blew chunks. literally. i went out of control. all i can say is.... MOOOOOOOOO! i'm such a cow. i'm back to 121 LBS. BAH! damn chocolate. damn cake. damn pizza. damn it all!

so, today has been better. been fasting. all i've had today is 2 sugar free redbulls, smart water, and a cup of beef broth. so total of 50 cals. couldn't stick to the water only thing. never can. i get headaches and bull like that. blah. bleh. yuck. my girl is sitting next to me right now, watching the incredibles, eating salami. OMFG! i love salami. but i'm not touching the stuff. not today. fasting again tomorrow. liquids only. hopefully i can be back to 118 soon.

damn that salami smells good....

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 121 LBS

BMI - 20.77

• Monday - preferably 0 cals - water only fast (but if feeling drastic, can have chicken broth or beef broth).
• Tuesday - Little cals - liquid only fast (can have sugar free red bulls, vitamin water, and watered-down juice
• Wednesday - 200 cals - proteins and veggies if possible.
• Thursday - 400 cals - proteins, veggies, and little dairy if possible.
• Friday - 600 cals - proteins, veggies, and dairy.
• Saturday - 800 cals - proteins, veggies, fruits and dairy.
• Sunday (AKA eat day) - 1000 cals - anything, as long as you don't go over 1000 max.

back to 120.... BAH!

BAH. BAH i say. get on the scale this morning and BAH!!! 120 LBS. wtf? yeah. i went over my allotted 600 last night, ate 800 instead. damn muffins. and i didn't purge. i thought that was a good thing. blah BAH blah. 800 tonight. 1000 tomorrow (damn valentines day and the over prescribed confectionery bliss that accompanies it! DAMN!). but Monday. MONDAY WILL BE FAST DAY! water fast for Monday. and basic liquid/juice fast for Tuesday. then hopefully i'll be closer to 118. i'm hoping tomorrow i'll be 119 again. but i doubt it. stupid period is coming. damn water weight. damn the bloat. DAMN!

sigh. i think this is the most boring blog i've ever written. actually, i think this entire blog i've been keeping is boring. i used to be a writer. i used to move the world with my words. or... at least... i thought so. i'm so vain. i'm such a loser. rar.

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 120 LBS
BMI - 20.6

• Monday - preferably 0 cals - water only fast (but if feeling drastic, can have chicken broth or beef broth).
• Tuesday - Little cals - liquid only fast (can have sugar free red bulls, vitamin water, and watered-down juice
• Wednesday - 200 cals - proteins and veggies if possible.
• Thursday - 400 cals - proteins, veggies, and little dairy if possible.
• Friday - 600 cals - proteins, veggies, and dairy.
• Saturday - 800 cals - proteins, veggies, fruits and dairy.
• Sunday (AKA eat day) - 1000 cals - anything, as long as you don't go over 1000 max.

hell yeah, 119

that's right. 119 LBS. i'm freakin' shrinking! this is nice. this makes me feel so damn good. and i'm not even frickin hungry right. which is amazing. all i've had today is a mini muffin. and two sugar free red bulls. i'm stoked. really. hoping for 118 tomorrow. oh yeah. oh please. 118 here i come. OMG! i'll be 110 in no time if i keep this shit up. i'm so damn excited, i feel like doing a little jiggy around my scale. HELL YEAH!

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 119 LBS

BMI - 20.43

• Monday - preferably 0 cals - water only fast (but if feeling drastic, can have chicken broth or beef broth).
• Tuesday - Little cals - liquid only fast (can have sugar free red bulls, vitamin water, and watered-down juice
• Wednesday - 200 cals - proteins and veggies if possible.
• Thursday - 400 cals - proteins, veggies, and little dairy if possible.
• Friday - 600 cals - proteins, veggies, and dairy.
• Saturday - 800 cals - proteins, veggies, fruits and dairy.
• Sunday (AKA eat day) - 1000 cals - anything, as long as you don't go over 1000 max.

on another note. my daughter is still pretty sick, but she's slowly getting better. i'm hoping she'll be able to go out tomorrow cuz there's a special event in town for valentines day for little kids and i really want to do this with her. plus it will get me out of this godforsaken house filled with mess, food, and my mother-in-law.

my hands are covered in vomit and its not my own

i woke up this morning and weighed myself. 120 LBS. YAY! 10 down. 20 more to go. HOORAY!! i've been doing really well, so far, keeping to my new diet plan thingy. i'm stoked! i'm hoping 119 tomorrow.

on another note, my daughter has a stomach virus and has been horrendously ill. poor thing. she's so little and fragile when she's sick. also very weepy. she's usually so independent and bright. but yesterday and today, she's down in the dumps. i feel for her. i've been trying to keep her comfortable and hydrated. its been easy for me to NOT EAT while she's not and it makes me feel ridiculously guilty. other than not eating, i've been overly focused/worried about her. she's running 103 fever and can't keep much down. however, today she's doing much better than yesterday and had a little white rice. thank god. she's only 29 LBS.

i know. i know. i'm a damn hypocrite. whatever. she's not the one who is worthless and stupid. she's beautiful. wonderful. amazing in every way. totally lovable. innocent. i'm damaged goods. have been since i was her age. there's no hope for me. as long as i stay on the right track and try to make things good for her, i think i'll level out... eventually. hopefully.

sometimes i look at her and think that i was innocent like her once. until my stupid DNA monster of a bio-mom fucked me all up (among the vast amounts of other things). blah blah blah. woe is me.

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 120 LBS
BMI - 20.60

• Monday - preferably 0 cals - water only fast (but if feeling drastic, can have chicken broth or beef broth).
• Tuesday - Little cals - liquid only fast (can have sugar free red bulls, vitamin water, and watered-down juice
• Wednesday - 200 cals - proteins and veggies if possible.
• Thursday - 400 cals - proteins, veggies, and little dairy if possible.
• Friday - 600 cals - proteins, veggies, and dairy.
• Saturday - 800 cals - proteins, veggies, fruits and dairy.
• Sunday (AKA eat day) - 1000 cals - anything, as long as you don't go over 1000 max.

trials and tribulations

yesterday’s fast was great until dinner (of course). i ate, but stayed below 500. thank god. then my husband came home from work (about 9pm) and made some special brie, pear, and melba toast thing. so i ate like a pig. then purged. don’t know if i got it all or not. whatever. BUST. tried to not beat myself up over it.

today has been much much better. all i’ve had today is chicken broth, green/ginseng tea, chamomile tea, and a couple sips of 100% apple juice! total cal intake: 60. NICE. however, i’m starting to feel a binge coming on. its 8pm right now. my daughter is on the potty as i type this. i’m hoping i can keep myself distracted for the remainder of the evening. i need to put my daughter to bed and then maybe if i take time in the shower, shave, maybe dye my hair that will help. i dunno. my husband is on his way home now. i’m hoping he doesn’t stop to get any special snacks. damn him. just the other night he came home with spicy chicken wings. god help me.

anywho, tomorrow is 200 cal. keep your fingers crossed for me girlies!

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 121 LBS

BMI - 20.77

• Monday - preferably 0 cals - water only fast (but if feeling drastic, can have chicken broth or beef broth).
• Tuesday - Little cals - liquid only fast (can have sugar free red bulls, vitamin water, and watered-down juice
• Wednesday - 200 cals - proteins and veggies if possible.
• Thursday - 400 cals - proteins, veggies, and little dairy if possible.
• Friday - 600 cals - proteins, veggies, and dairy.
• Saturday - 800 cals - proteins, veggies, fruits and dairy.
• Sunday (AKA eat day) - 1000 cals - anything, as long as you don't go over 1000 max.

give me strength

tomorrow my new diet plan begins (for the second time). and i will stick to it as best as i can. i originally wanted to start off Monday on a water only fast, but i'm worried. so now i will allow 1 or 2 cups of broth if things get too difficult for me. however, i do have ALOT of errands to run so i think it will be okay. i'm feeling strong on this.

• Monday - preferably 0 cals - water only fast (but if feeling drastic, can have chicken broth or beef broth).
• Tuesday - Little cals - liquid only fast (can have sugar free red bulls, vitamin water, and watered-down juice
• Wednesday - 200 cals - proteins and veggies if possible.
• Thursday - 400 cals - proteins, veggies, and little dairy if possible.
• Friday - 600 cals - proteins, veggies, and dairy.
• Saturday - 800 cals - proteins, veggies, fruits and dairy.
• Sunday (AKA eat day) - 1000 cals - anything, as long as you don't go over 1000 max.
  

on another note, i've been able to stay below 750 cal each day this past weekend! WOOT! which is awesome. but i find that currently, at this very moment, i am having huge binge cravings. i've been downing tons of water and green tea to compensate. but OMG i want to gorge right now. i'm trying so hard. i feel crazy right now.

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 122 LBS
BMI - 20.94

i think i can. i know i can. i knew i could.

so despite my recent difficulties sticking to my new "plan", i've been losing a LB a day. its crazy! maybe its because of my renewed joy for exercise or maybe its bcuz of all the purging at night... or stress... or i don't know. i definitely have not been keeping to my plan. ate 800 cals yesterday. disgusting. i'm hoping to do 700 today. ive decided to stop bitching and moaning about how hard this new plan is right now and just keep my cal intake low until i can try it again on Monday. FAST FAST FAST on Monday. i have a lot of errands i need to run on Monday, so that should help. but what worries me the most is evening/dinner time. though ive found that i'm depressed or going through "an episode of mine" i don't get hungry. nice. well stress is CRAZY right now. my husband and i are having a real difficult time right now, ROCKY, due to his mother living with us since early November. BAH! she's a nice lady and all, but i need my damn privacy and this place is small enough as it is. plus... she does nothing. absolutely nothing. and eats all my daughters food. go ahead and eat, but i get very protective of my daughter's food. no matter how fucked up i am about my own food, i know logically that it is important for my child to eat and be nutritionally sound. don't fuck with my daughter's food.

anyways, to make a long story short... i'm attempting to get her "medical" help. i mean, come on, if youre so messed up can you at least try to hide it from your granddaughter (my daughter). i mean, i do. shit. no, instead she like straight up tells my 2 yr old things that kids just don't need to know about. its disgusting. the kid is going to have enough trouble when she hits pre-adolescence due to genes (on both sides ---> depression, ED, drinking, addiction, being a girl)... but for the love of god, lets not start filling her head with fears and woes. its not right.

blah blah blah. wells... so far all i've had today is 1 hard boiled egg, yolk only, 4 tablespoons of hummus, raw spinach leaves with balsamic vinegar, and 2 sugar free redbulls (WHICH I LOVE). total cal intake = 317. it is 2:51 pm and hopefully i can stay below 700 after dinner. i think i can. i think i can. i know i can. i know i can. i knew i could......

MY DIET PLAN FOR NEXT WEEK

• Monday - 0 cals - water only fast.
• Tuesday - Little cals - liquid only fast (can have sugar free red bulls, vitamin water, and watered-down juice)
• Wednesday - 200 cals - proteins and veggies if possible.
• Thursday - 400 cals - proteins, veggies, and little dairy if possible.
• Friday - 600 cals - proteins, veggies, and dairy.
• Saturday - 800 cals - proteins, veggies, fruits and dairy.
• Sunday (AKA eat day) - 1000 cals - anything, as long as you don't go over 1000 max.
  

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 122 LBS

BMI - 20.94

fasting failures, the sequel...

yeah. last night was total bullshit. a nightmare. horrendous. i'm such a fat slob. dinner was a disaster. it started with making it. and then the feta cheese. and the tomatoes. and rice and carrots. and god help me. i was doing so well until dinner. its like i set myself up for this. so i eat and eat. then purge. then eat some more. right in front of my mother-in-law. all the eating. and then disappearing for a while. and then eating. while she's watching my daughter. what a poor excuse for a human being i am. what a poor excuse for a mother. i'm some one's mother for christsakes!!! what the hell is wrong with me? i hate this. then later that night, after my husband came home, i cleared out the fridge of all the left overs. straight down my disgusting throat and back out again. just horrible. then i drank a six pack of mich-ultra. lovely. drinking again. i hate myself. i hate this place. i just want to be small. i just want to be beautiful. i just want to be a good mom. i just want to do something good for once. say something poignant. think something great. be.... someone. ARG! i can hear the fucking violins playing as i bitch. this is so stupid. i'm so fucking stupid.

today hasn't been any better. ate some of my daughter's french toast this morning, after making it. then chowed down on mac&chz for lunch. puked that up. i'm such a loser. and not in a good way. HAHA! i'm insane. i really am. i'm fucking insane. i need to get the fuck out of this house. start teaching again. start helping other people. stop thinking about myself. about food. about how worthless i am. about how shameful i am. i am so frustrated.

i don't think my diet idea is going to work. i think its making me more crazy cuz after i fucked up yesterday i just want to fuck up the whole week. i already want to give up. where should i start tomorrow? fast? or stick to 200 cal? anyone have any bright ideas? this is ridiculous. i just want to scream at the top of my lungs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

things used to be so much easier for me. when i lived alone. when i was alone. i rarely bought food and i could live how i wanted. i exercised in any way i wanted, as much as i wanted. BAH! but i was lonely and miserable. yet i was thin. small. and i didn't care. now i care too much. what should i do?

• Monday - 0 cals - water only fast.
• Tuesday - Little cals - liquid only fast (can have sugar free red bulls, vitamin water, and watered-down juice)
• Wednesday - 200 cals - proteins and veggies if possible.
• Thursday - 400 cals - proteins, veggies, and little dairy if possible.
• Friday - 600 cals - proteins, veggies, and dairy.
• Saturday - 800 cals - proteins, veggies, fruits and dairy.
• Sunday (AKA eat day) - 1000 cals - anything, as long as you don't go over 1000 max.
  
  

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 125 LBS
BMI - 21.46

fasting failures

i'm down 3 more lbs since i last wrote, which is good but i've been having a real hard time sticking to my fasts. totally fell off my last attempt. and i've been binging/purging every night at about 10pm or so. its crazy. anywho. today is a new day. and so far all i've had is: 2 sugar free red bulls (20 cals), lots and lots of Smart Water (no cals, full of electrolytes ----> def suggest drinking this water when attempting a fast). and 2 sips of vitamin water (unsure how many cals, but one serving equals 50 so if i had to guesstimate i would say maybe 10). it is currently 2:25 pm in the afternoon. my hardest time will be dinner at 5pm bcuz i will be feeding my daughter and my mother-in-law will be eating with us. keep your fingers crossed for me girls.

i originally wanted to start this new plan, based on 2-4-6. this is a metabolism boosting trick that it "suppose" to help your body burn more calories faster. but, unfortunately i needed caffeine so bad and i was out with my daughter, so i gave in and bought 2 sugar free red bulls.

anyways, here is the meta trick plan.

• Monday - 0 cals - water only fast.
• Tuesday - Little cals - liquid only fast (can have sugar free red bulls, vitamin water, and watered-down juice)
• Wednesday - 200 cals - proteins and veggies if possible.
• Thursday - 400 cals - proteins, veggies, and little dairy if possible.
• Friday - 600 cals - proteins, veggies, and dairy.
• Saturday - 800 cals - proteins, veggies, fruits and dairy.
• Sunday (AKA eat day) - 1000 cals - anything, as long as you don't go over 1000 max.

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 125 LBS
BMI - 21.46