major EPIC fail

been missing (as usual). i know. i know. here's the deal. i was doing good. had dropped to 133. was gonna make this work. kept reminding myself that just last year i was 108-110. was heading to the gym daily. i wanted this so bad. wanted to be 130, then 120, then 110 again. i knew i could do it. I WILL DO THIS THING, i said. damn. WAM! so then..... what happens? damn.

i'm pregnant.

major EPIC fail for my disorder. but definitely a highlight of my so-called "trying to be a normal person" quest. my H and i really wanted a second, especially since my first will be 4 in September. and bcuz, well, we're old and getting older still. and i'm a real teacher with my own classroom and he's *this* close to being done with his school dream thing and blah blah blah. and bcuz i know in my heart i NEED something good and healthy in my life (despite that my fucked up brain believes otherwise).

anywho........ weight-loss must go on hiatus. i must allow myself to become a cow (but will watch my weight gain-- which shouldn't need to be over 25 lbs) and i will NOT be actively ridiculous with food during pregnancy (like purging or restricting or anything). NOT FAIR for the mini me. actually, i would have to say being preggers with my first was the only time i was ever truly healthy in regards to nutrition. however, i'm off my meds, soooooooooooo i feel like a nut and am anxious about everything. but i was able to completely quit drinking, quit smoking, and lower my caffeine intake the minute i found out about the baby, which was about a week ago.

now i need to get a nutritionist again. therapist. the works. i'll talk to my OBGYN at my next appointment and things should be a little more "stable" i suppose. i dunno.

a huge part of me is saying this is such a good thing. to be healthy. to have another baby. maybe this is the door opening to permanent healthiness... maybe i can stick to being "normal" this time around. and then.... the darkness creeps in around the edges whispering go fuck yourself, ED will find you when the baby is out. you'll always be crazy. that's just how it is. get used to is. your 31 for christsakes.... accept it already. BAH.

all i know is that right now, at this very moment, i have a little being growing inside me that needs to be protected... so if it takes being pregnant for me to grab courage and be healthy, then that's what i'm going to do. we'll see what happens later, when we get there....

age -31
height - 5'4
weight - 138LBS
BMI - 23.69