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wicked

wicked
~created by zerofax~

Daily Quotes

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

~Dr.Seuss


Daily Lyrics

Lyrical Excerpt taken from "In the Middle" written, composed, and performed by Jimmy Eats World.

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out
or looked down on
Just try your best,
try everything you can
And don't you worry what they tell themselves
when you're away
It just takes some time
Little girl you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be alright, alright
Hey, you know they're all the same
You know you're doing better on your own,
so don't buy in
Live right now, yeah, just be yourself
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else
It just takes some time
Little girl you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be alright

Monday, December 29, 2008

the never-ending diet

i've been restricting to 1000-1500 calories 6 days a week with a juice fast on fridays. however, i just don't feel the will power. i find myself weakening often and then overeating.... therefore i've begun really purging again, yet only when i've breached my calorie limit.

so far, i'm at 125 lbs. when i first started this mission of mine, i was 140 lbs. so far, some progress. but i really want to be at 115 lbs by march.

i plan to start restricting to 800-1000 calories 6 days a week with a water fast on fridays, however i am not so sure i will be able to keep it up. we'll see. i will also start running every other day (preferably in the mornings) to get my metabolism going. and soon i will be biking my daughter to daycare due to the fact that my husband will be needing the car for commute purposes.

overall, more physical activity and less calories = maximum weightloss in minimal amount of time.

age - 28
height - 5'4
weight - 125 LBS
BMI - 21.46

Friday, December 19, 2008

progress

i'm down to 128lbs. i'm progressing, although slowly. but still. i feel a sense of major accomplishment. my originally, lenient goal, was to be 115 lbs by March. The way things have been going, however, I might make my goal by February. which is amazing! i'm so excited.

anywho... i'm grapefruit fasting today. its become a weekly ritual now. every friday. i haven't gotten the nerve to do straight water fasting or to do my juice fast for more than one day though. it's been too hard with my husband and baby girl around. plus my hypoglycemia acts up like crazy. i know. excuses, excuses.

excuses are tools of incompetence, which build monuments of nothing. those who specialize in them, seldom accomplish anything else.


because of my constant excuses concerning why i can't successfully fast for more than one day or why i can't eat less than 1000 calories a day, i've recently started purging again. only when my husband is not home. and i haven't been binging, just getting rid of excess calories i wasn't supposed to eat. i hate it, but it needs to be done. i will lose this unwanted weight. i will be small and tiny once again. i will feel light and free. i will slowly fade away.


age - 28
height - 5'4
weight - 128 LBS
BMI - 21.97

Monday, December 15, 2008

starting again.... as always....

i am attempting the grapefruit fast. again. this weekend went awry after the first fast. i ended up eating too much crap. and definitely over-doing it in regards to calorie intake. so. i've decided to attempt a start over. which. actually... i'm perpetually starting over. but anyways. it is 11:21am and i've currently only drank 8oz of grapefruit juice so far. blah blah blah. i really don't feel like writing today.

age - 28
height - 5'4
weight - 129 LBS
BMI - 22.14

Friday, December 12, 2008

growl

today is going rather well. i am attempting a grapefruit juice fast for the first time in a very very long time. its about 2:30pm and i haven't eaten a thing. good thing too, because yesterday night i broke and ate taco bell! i feel much better now, though, because i've been staying strong. however, the real test is when my husband and daughter get home. then they'll start eating and i'll be tempted.



i've been watching ED based movies all day today. it's funny, they discuss the dangers of ED and are pro recovery and yet they still keep me focused on the task at hand.

okay, well... its the next day now. i was interrupted during my writing by my husband and this post had to wait. my fast went well, however i had two michelob ultra (95 cal each) last night. i consumed a total of 526 calories yesterday. but, it's been so long, i decided to eat a little today. i don't want to make myself feel too sick over the weekend while my girl is home with me. i need to be on my toes when watching her. i will probably do another grapefruit juice fast on Monday and then attempt a water fast on Tuesday. we'll see.

age - 28
height - 5'4
weight - 130 LBS
BMI - 22.31

Thursday, December 11, 2008

a snail's pace

so i'm progressing rather slowly with my weight loss. i hate it this slow, but it needs to be done. i want to make sure i keep my daughter out of this, healthy and happy. and i definitely do not want to alert my husband.

these past two weeks have been horrendous. i have been having an extremely hard time. i'm so hungry all the time and it has been frustrating for me. when younger, i never had this difficulty. being active in ED was much simpler living at home with my mother. it was so much easier to hide from her. albeit, she's anorexic and has eating issues herself. but still. living with a man and attempting to restrict or purge has been almost impossible. especially when he knows i'm hungry. or when he attempts to feed me. thank god he's working two jobs right now, i don't know if i could even do this. however, the problem is when he gets home. he wants to eat. and eat. and eat. seeing him constantly munching on things really triggers me. it's driving me absolutely mad.

another thing that sucks majorly while i'm trying to lose weight, is that there are so many different kinds of trigger foods in the house. and i can't get rid of them. it's crazy. my daughter needs to eat so much and have all her snacks. we have all kinds of crackers and cereal and breads and fruits and SNACKS! when i used to live by myself, i made sure never to keep things like that in the house. it helped a lot. but because she needs these things, i have to have them here and they can't be sugar free or fat free. plus, my husband is constantly buying two liters of coca-cola and pepsi. ARG!

anyway, i've lost 10 lbs since i started this quest. i'm hoping to drop another 10 in less than a month. we'll see how it goes.



age - 28
height - 5'4
weight - 130 LBS
BMI - 22.31

Monday, December 8, 2008

darkness

let me warn you. i'm rambling tonight. off on the usual tangent. confusing myself with detours. its life. or whatever you wish to call it.

i've been feeling extremely uncertain lately. about almost everything. i'm kind of lost. and i hate myself right now. i hate how fat i've gotten. i despise how i look. it makes me sick. i'm not entirely sure how i lost control like this. it's very frightening. and i don't want to feel this way.

today has been a food obsession day. however, i've ironically eaten less than ever and stayed below 1000 calories (which is much better than every other day last week). it's now 9pm eastern time. i might be able to make it without eating anymore.

my husband has been making me nervous. i don't want him touching me. looking at me. anything. it only makes me more aware of my body. and how huge and distorted it is.

i've been considering the notion of some sort of liquid fast. although, its been a really really long time since i've cut my calories like this, so i need to be careful. i will most likely need to do chicken soup broth or something with some sort of protein calories. then in a couple weeks i can drop to a watered-down fruit juice fast. and then in another couple weeks, straight on water fast. hopefully i can stick to it. being that the semester is over, my husband is working two jobs, and my daughter has resumed daycare. i don't think i should allow myself any excuses. anywho, i'm want to be 120lbs by christmas.

who knows. we'll see.



age - 28
height - 5'4
weight - 131 LBS
BMI - 22.49

Books

  • Gaining: the truth about life after eating disorders by Aimee Liu
  • Hunger Point by Jillian Medoff
  • Inside Out: Portrait of an Eating Disorder by Nadia Shivack
  • Looks by Madeleine George
  • Perfect by Natasha Friend
  • Purge by Sarah Darer Littman
  • Skin by Adrienne Maria Vrettos
  • Solitaire by Aimee Liu
  • Stick Figure: A Diary of My Former Self by Lori Gottlieb
  • Zero by Diane Tullson

Movies

  • A Secret Between Friends
  • Dying to be Perfect
  • Dying to be Thin
  • For The Love of Nancy
  • Hunger Point
  • Kate's Secret
  • Killing Us Softly
  • Perfect Body
  • Perfect Illusions
  • Sharing the Secret
  • Slender Existence
  • Superstar: The Karen Carpenter Story
  • The Best Little Girl in the World
  • The Famine Within
  • Thin
  • When Friendship Kills

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