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wicked

wicked
~created by zerofax~

Daily Quotes

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

~Dr.Seuss


Daily Lyrics

Lyrical Excerpt taken from "In the Middle" written, composed, and performed by Jimmy Eats World.

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out
or looked down on
Just try your best,
try everything you can
And don't you worry what they tell themselves
when you're away
It just takes some time
Little girl you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be alright, alright
Hey, you know they're all the same
You know you're doing better on your own,
so don't buy in
Live right now, yeah, just be yourself
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else
It just takes some time
Little girl you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be alright

Saturday, November 29, 2008

regression

you would think i have learned by now. you would think i know what is right for me in order to be healthy and happy. you would think i didn't care about these things anymore. but it never goes away. it remains within. always. dormant until triggered. and there is no escape. so here it is, yet another detour for me. deep into the regression. weight becoming obsession. the darkness overstretching. my emptiness overreaching. the light no where to be seen. my only hope is to be thin. but food won't let me win. as i strive for perfection.

i have been relatively "in-active" for about 7 years or so. no real binging. no frequent purging. ignoring weight gain. staying focused on school and family issues instead. well... then i grew up. or so society says. and i got pregnant. initially, i thought this would be a good thing for my everlasting ED issues... and i gained weight with stride, not worrying, eating healthier than i ever had my entire life. all for this tiny being inside me. all for her. not really for me at all. and isn't that what they say---> you've got to recover for yourself because doing it for other people or reasons is only temporary? well, i guess they're right. cuz i have completely sunk back into it this past month. maybe because of all the stress i'm dealing with. maybe because of the holidays. maybe because i've turned into a FAT BLOB OLD LADY!

anyhow, i've always struggled with weight. never really breaching 125 lbs and falling as low as 100 lbs. but believe it or not, during pregnancy i was a whopping 170 lbs (for the love of god) and i kept telling myself, its all her, barely any on me. no stretchmarks. no funky bodily stuff. only vomiting, which i'm used to anyway (HAHA!). so.... whatever. when you're pregnant, you're never full. always hungry. always growling. yeah, you turn into a huge cow, but you never have that sick full feeling and if you stay away from mirrors and stuff, it'll pass quickly. just turn around when they weigh you and you'll be okay. plus, the day after the baby is born, you drop 15 lbs all at once which is a FUCKING AWESOME feeling! and then the weight just melts off. especially if you breast feed because it burns 600 calories every time you do it. and in the beginning, you do it like 12 times a day. its crazy. of course, you never sleep, but whatever.... that goes by pretty quickly too. so i got down to 130 in about 2 months. what a wonderful thing. i have never dropped 40 lbs like that. it was wonderful. but then... i couldn't lose anymore. no matter what i did. it was horrible. and to make matters even worse, when my little girl turned 7 months, she decided she didn't want to nurse anymore.... which made my calorie burning slow way down.

so, currently, as i write this... i am 135 lbs. which is a total nightmare for me. but my dilemma here is that i really don't want to be overly active with ED because of my little girl. i swore while pregnant with her that i would not pass my crazy eating issues over to her. so i need to be extremely careful. i NEVER say negative body comments in front of her and i make sure she gets healthy foods and eats her 3 meals a day plus 3 snacks. she drinks plenty of WHOLE milk (yuck!) and is a happy, smiley girl. i never want her to know about this side of me. we see a toddler nutritionist to make sure she is healthy and getting everything she needs. she is in the 75th percentile for weight and height. SHE'S BEAUTIFUL! and always will be. i never want her to think otherwise.

now i tread lightly into the darkness. i'm starting to walk her to the park every day (which is a 2 mile walk, there and back). i am also making spare time for my stepper machine in the evenings, while she is asleep. i'm making sure i get high protein, low-fat foods, and i am using http://www.fitday.com/ to keep track of my activity output and calorie intake. my goal (for now) is to hit 115 lbs by march. i know. i know. i'm being very lenient on myself. whatever. i have a baby girl who needs to be #1 priority. restriction, regression, and exercise will have to become the #2 priority.
age - 28
height - 5'4
weight -135 LBS
BMI 23.17

Books

  • Gaining: the truth about life after eating disorders by Aimee Liu
  • Hunger Point by Jillian Medoff
  • Inside Out: Portrait of an Eating Disorder by Nadia Shivack
  • Looks by Madeleine George
  • Perfect by Natasha Friend
  • Purge by Sarah Darer Littman
  • Skin by Adrienne Maria Vrettos
  • Solitaire by Aimee Liu
  • Stick Figure: A Diary of My Former Self by Lori Gottlieb
  • Zero by Diane Tullson

Movies

  • A Secret Between Friends
  • Dying to be Perfect
  • Dying to be Thin
  • For The Love of Nancy
  • Hunger Point
  • Kate's Secret
  • Killing Us Softly
  • Perfect Body
  • Perfect Illusions
  • Sharing the Secret
  • Slender Existence
  • Superstar: The Karen Carpenter Story
  • The Best Little Girl in the World
  • The Famine Within
  • Thin
  • When Friendship Kills

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