you would think i have learned by now. you would think i know what is right for me in order to be healthy and happy. you would think i didn't care about these things anymore. but it never goes away. it remains within. always. dormant until triggered. and there is no escape. so here it is, yet another detour for me. deep into the regression. weight becoming obsession. the darkness overstretching. my emptiness overreaching. the light no where to be seen. my only hope is to be thin. but food won't let me win. as i strive for perfection.
i have been relatively "in-active" for about 7 years or so. no real binging. no frequent purging. ignoring weight gain. staying focused on school and family issues instead. well... then i grew up. or so society says. and i got pregnant. initially, i thought this would be a good thing for my everlasting ED issues... and i gained weight with stride, not worrying, eating healthier than i ever had my entire life. all for this tiny being inside me. all for her. not really for me at all. and isn't that what they say---> you've got to recover for yourself because doing it for other people or reasons is only temporary? well, i guess they're right. cuz i have completely sunk back into it this past month. maybe because of all the stress i'm dealing with. maybe because of the holidays. maybe because i've turned into a FAT BLOB OLD LADY!
anyhow, i've always struggled with weight. never really breaching 125 lbs and falling as low as 100 lbs. but believe it or not, during pregnancy i was a whopping 170 lbs (for the love of god) and i kept telling myself, its all her, barely any on me. no stretchmarks. no funky bodily stuff. only vomiting, which i'm used to anyway (HAHA!). so.... whatever. when you're pregnant, you're never full. always hungry. always growling. yeah, you turn into a huge cow, but you never have that sick full feeling and if you stay away from mirrors and stuff, it'll pass quickly. just turn around when they weigh you and you'll be okay. plus, the day after the baby is born, you drop 15 lbs all at once which is a FUCKING AWESOME feeling! and then the weight just melts off. especially if you breast feed because it burns 600 calories every time you do it. and in the beginning, you do it like 12 times a day. its crazy. of course, you never sleep, but whatever.... that goes by pretty quickly too. so i got down to 130 in about 2 months. what a wonderful thing. i have never dropped 40 lbs like that. it was wonderful. but then... i couldn't lose anymore. no matter what i did. it was horrible. and to make matters even worse, when my little girl turned 7 months, she decided she didn't want to nurse anymore.... which made my calorie burning slow way down.
now i tread lightly into the darkness. i'm starting to walk her to the park every day (which is a 2 mile walk, there and back). i am also making spare time for my stepper machine in the evenings, while she is asleep. i'm making sure i get high protein, low-fat foods, and i am using http://www.fitday.com/ to keep track of my activity output and calorie intake. my goal (for now) is to hit 115 lbs by march. i know. i know. i'm being very lenient on myself. whatever. i have a baby girl who needs to be #1 priority. restriction, regression, and exercise will have to become the #2 priority.
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