the never-ending diet

i've been restricting to 1000-1500 calories 6 days a week with a juice fast on fridays. however, i just don't feel the will power. i find myself weakening often and then overeating.... therefore i've begun really purging again, yet only when i've breached my calorie limit.

so far, i'm at 125 lbs. when i first started this mission of mine, i was 140 lbs. so far, some progress. but i really want to be at 115 lbs by march.

i plan to start restricting to 800-1000 calories 6 days a week with a water fast on fridays, however i am not so sure i will be able to keep it up. we'll see. i will also start running every other day (preferably in the mornings) to get my metabolism going. and soon i will be biking my daughter to daycare due to the fact that my husband will be needing the car for commute purposes.

overall, more physical activity and less calories = maximum weightloss in minimal amount of time.

age - 28
height - 5'4
weight - 125 LBS
BMI - 21.46

progress

i'm down to 128lbs. i'm progressing, although slowly. but still. i feel a sense of major accomplishment. my originally, lenient goal, was to be 115 lbs by March. The way things have been going, however, I might make my goal by February. which is amazing! i'm so excited.

anywho... i'm grapefruit fasting today. its become a weekly ritual now. every friday. i haven't gotten the nerve to do straight water fasting or to do my juice fast for more than one day though. it's been too hard with my husband and baby girl around. plus my hypoglycemia acts up like crazy. i know. excuses, excuses.

excuses are tools of incompetence, which build monuments of nothing. those who specialize in them, seldom accomplish anything else.

because of my constant excuses concerning why i can't successfully fast for more than one day or why i can't eat less than 1000 calories a day, i've recently started purging again. only when my husband is not home. and i haven't been binging, just getting rid of excess calories i wasn't supposed to eat. i hate it, but it needs to be done. i will lose this unwanted weight. i will be small and tiny once again. i will feel light and free. i will slowly fade away.

age - 28

height - 5'4

weight - 128 LBS

BMI - 21.97

starting again.... as always....

i am attempting the grapefruit fast. again. this weekend went awry after the first fast. i ended up eating too much crap. and definitely over-doing it in regards to calorie intake. so. i've decided to attempt a start over. which. actually... i'm perpetually starting over. but anyways. it is 11:21am and i've currently only drank 8oz of grapefruit juice so far. blah blah blah. i really don't feel like writing today.

age - 28
height - 5'4
weight - 129 LBS
BMI - 22.14

growl

today is going rather well. i am attempting a grapefruit juice fast for the first time in a very very long time. its about 2:30pm and i haven't eaten a thing. good thing too, because yesterday night i broke and ate taco bell! i feel much better now, though, because i've been staying strong. however, the real test is when my husband and daughter get home. then they'll start eating and i'll be tempted.



i've been watching ED based movies all day today. it's funny, they discuss the dangers of ED and are pro recovery and yet they still keep me focused on the task at hand.

okay, well... its the next day now. i was interrupted during my writing by my husband and this post had to wait. my fast went well, however i had two michelob ultra (95 cal each) last night. i consumed a total of 526 calories yesterday. but, it's been so long, i decided to eat a little today. i don't want to make myself feel too sick over the weekend while my girl is home with me. i need to be on my toes when watching her. i will probably do another grapefruit juice fast on Monday and then attempt a water fast on Tuesday. we'll see.

age - 28

height - 5'4

weight - 130 LBS

BMI - 22.31

a snail's pace

so i'm progressing rather slowly with my weight loss. i hate it this slow, but it needs to be done. i want to make sure i keep my daughter out of this, healthy and happy. and i definitely do not want to alert my husband.

these past two weeks have been horrendous. i have been having an extremely hard time. i'm so hungry all the time and it has been frustrating for me. when younger, i never had this difficulty. being active in ED was much simpler living at home with my mother. it was so much easier to hide from her. albeit, she's anorexic and has eating issues herself. but still. living with a man and attempting to restrict or purge has been almost impossible. especially when he knows i'm hungry. or when he attempts to feed me. thank god he's working two jobs right now, i don't know if i could even do this. however, the problem is when he gets home. he wants to eat. and eat. and eat. seeing him constantly munching on things really triggers me. it's driving me absolutely mad.

another thing that sucks majorly while i'm trying to lose weight, is that there are so many different kinds of trigger foods in the house. and i can't get rid of them. it's crazy. my daughter needs to eat so much and have all her snacks. we have all kinds of crackers and cereal and breads and fruits and SNACKS! when i used to live by myself, i made sure never to keep things like that in the house. it helped a lot. but because she needs these things, i have to have them here and they can't be sugar free or fat free. plus, my husband is constantly buying two liters of coca-cola and pepsi. ARG!

anyway, i've lost 10 lbs since i started this quest. i'm hoping to drop another 10 in less than a month. we'll see how it goes.

age - 28
height - 5'4
weight - 130 LBS
BMI - 22.31

darkness

let me warn you. i'm rambling tonight. off on the usual tangent. confusing myself with detours. its life. or whatever you wish to call it.

i've been feeling extremely uncertain lately. about almost everything. i'm kind of lost. and i hate myself right now. i hate how fat i've gotten. i despise how i look. it makes me sick. i'm not entirely sure how i lost control like this. it's very frightening. and i don't want to feel this way.

today has been a food obsession day. however, i've ironically eaten less than ever and stayed below 1000 calories (which is much better than every other day last week). it's now 9pm eastern time. i might be able to make it without eating anymore.

my husband has been making me nervous. i don't want him touching me. looking at me. anything. it only makes me more aware of my body. and how huge and distorted it is.

i've been considering the notion of some sort of liquid fast. although, its been a really really long time since i've cut my calories like this, so i need to be careful. i will most likely need to do chicken soup broth or something with some sort of protein calories. then in a couple weeks i can drop to a watered-down fruit juice fast. and then in another couple weeks, straight on water fast. hopefully i can stick to it. being that the semester is over, my husband is working two jobs, and my daughter has resumed daycare. i don't think i should allow myself any excuses. anywho, i'm want to be 120lbs by christmas.

who knows. we'll see.

age - 28

height - 5'4

weight - 131 LBS

BMI - 22.49

regression

you would think i have learned by now. you would think i know what is right for me in order to be healthy and happy. you would think i didn't care about these things anymore. but it never goes away. it remains within. always. dormant until triggered. and there is no escape. so here it is, yet another detour for me. deep into the regression. weight becoming obsession. the darkness overstretching. my emptiness overreaching. the light no where to be seen. my only hope is to be thin. but food won't let me win. as i strive for perfection.

i have been relatively "in-active" for about 7 years or so. no real binging. no frequent purging. ignoring weight gain. staying focused on school and family issues instead. well... then i grew up. or so society says. and i got pregnant. initially, i thought this would be a good thing for my everlasting ED issues... and i gained weight with stride, not worrying, eating healthier than i ever had my entire life. all for this tiny being inside me. all for her. not really for me at all. and isn't that what they say---> you've got to recover for yourself because doing it for other people or reasons is only temporary? well, i guess they're right. cuz i have completely sunk back into it this past month. maybe because of all the stress i'm dealing with. maybe because of the holidays. maybe because i've turned into a FAT BLOB OLD LADY!

anyhow, i've always struggled with weight. never really breaching 125 lbs and falling as low as 100 lbs. but believe it or not, during pregnancy i was a whopping 170 lbs (for the love of god) and i kept telling myself, its all her, barely any on me. no stretchmarks. no funky bodily stuff. only vomiting, which i'm used to anyway (HAHA!). so.... whatever. when you're pregnant, you're never full. always hungry. always growling. yeah, you turn into a huge cow, but you never have that sick full feeling and if you stay away from mirrors and stuff, it'll pass quickly. just turn around when they weigh you and you'll be okay. plus, the day after the baby is born, you drop 15 lbs all at once which is a FUCKING AWESOME feeling! and then the weight just melts off. especially if you breast feed because it burns 600 calories every time you do it. and in the beginning, you do it like 12 times a day. its crazy. of course, you never sleep, but whatever.... that goes by pretty quickly too. so i got down to 130 in about 2 months. what a wonderful thing. i have never dropped 40 lbs like that. it was wonderful. but then... i couldn't lose anymore. no matter what i did. it was horrible. and to make matters even worse, when my little girl turned 7 months, she decided she didn't want to nurse anymore.... which made my calorie burning slow way down.

so, currently, as i write this... i am 135 lbs. which is a total nightmare for me. but my dilemma here is that i really don't want to be overly active with ED because of my little girl. i swore while pregnant with her that i would not pass my crazy eating issues over to her. so i need to be extremely careful. i NEVER say negative body comments in front of her and i make sure she gets healthy foods and eats her 3 meals a day plus 3 snacks. she drinks plenty of WHOLE milk (yuck!) and is a happy, smiley girl. i never want her to know about this side of me. we see a toddler nutritionist to make sure she is healthy and getting everything she needs. she is in the 75th percentile for weight and height. SHE'S BEAUTIFUL! and always will be. i never want her to think otherwise.

now i tread lightly into the darkness. i'm starting to walk her to the park every day (which is a 2 mile walk, there and back). i am also making spare time for my stepper machine in the evenings, while she is asleep. i'm making sure i get high protein, low-fat foods, and i am using http://www.fitday.com/ to keep track of my activity output and calorie intake. my goal (for now) is to hit 115 lbs by march. i know. i know. i'm being very lenient on myself. whatever. i have a baby girl who needs to be #1 priority. restriction, regression, and exercise will have to become the #2 priority.

age - 28

height - 5'4

weight -135 LBS

BMI 23.17