nothing specific, just the usual bitching....

been pretty good at keeping my calorie intake below 900, although nights have been difficult so i've been purging anything after 6pm. i've kind of given up on hiding it from my husband. i mean, i still run the bath and lock the door. but, that's about it. anyhow, i'm tired a lot, i've noticed recently and i've been distracted from exercise. i need to get back into more of a steady routine. a new gym is openning near us and is starting this outstanding deal ---> $1 down and then $10 per month, no contract, no commitment. sounds good to me. now i just need to get my husband to agree, considering he's maintaining the finances while i try to get a job around here.

i've been slowly but surely making some progress. i've been dropping a LB every couple of days or so. i'm pleased so far, but wish it would go faster. i'm going to try a liquid fast tomorrow (nothing but green tea, water, a little juice, and possibly sugar free red bulls).

blah, blah, blah.... this is boring. i'm bored a lot. my daughter is still awake for christsakes, hasn't napped today. but she's doing good staying in bed just mumbling to herself. i'm going to get her up in about 15 minutes and walk her to the park. that's a good 2 miles, plus she'll get some much needed playtime in.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 128 LBS

BMI - 21.97

arbitrary nonsense

been struggling with ED since pre-adolescence. i guess i was about 12 when i truly started obsessing about my weight. well, no.... my dad died when i was twelve and i distinctly remember bitching to him about how fat i was. so pre-12 some time. prior to his death. definitely. anywho.

lowest weight ever (well, since i was a teen in middle school and all through high school) - 100 LBS. i've never dropped below since.

highest weight ever - 170 LBS (and i was pregnant and delivering at the time, believe me, i dropped that as soon as she was out of me).

longest staying weight (meaning average weight for me the past 10 years or so) - 120 to 125 LBS

preferred weight (goal) - 110 LBS

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 129 LBS
BMI - 22.14

back to the grind...

okay. so i'm down to 129lbs. i haven't had any wine in two days (which is great considering i've been drinking it constantly since my internship initially began and then began to kill a bottle a night once my internship ended ). i've been attempting to walk my daughter to the park every day (2 miles ) and keep my cal intake at 1000 or below. hopefully i'll be at 115lbs before i know it. i'm thinking i'll be at 128lbs tomorrow morning.

funny (ironic) situation. my husband comes up to me and says: "hey, let's start jogging when i get home at night." HA! in my head i'm like HELL YEAH more calories to burn. and with him on my case to do it (as a bonding experience or some bull), i'll be more likely to stick to it as a routine every night. awesome. and then at the same time i feel guilty for not looking at it as what it really is.... him trying to connect with me. him knowing its what i like. EXERCISE. and he hates it. he's a smoker for christ sakes. he's actually trying to 'do something with me' that i want to do.

blah. blah. blah. sometimes i feel like a total selfish bitch. everything has to be my way in order to fulfill my priorities. the world revolves around me. the sun will not rise without me. and then.... here i am, attempting to restrict calorie intake and puke my guts out until i disappear. i'm a damn dichotomy. and i'm not sure what it is i honestly want. all i know is that i enjoy working with kids and i really need to get out of myself and help others in order to be.... okay.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 129 LBS

BMI - 22.14

lost focus

i haven't been writing. obviously. got caught up in work and school and being a mom. finished my internship. finally graduated. now i can't find a job cuz of the freeze. i've had a realization of sorts. if i'm NOT busy and i have nothing to preoccupy my mind, i become overly obsessed with food and weight. it never ends. i can't believe i've gained all this weight back. i want to be 115 again. though i can't stop the wine intake at night. almost a whole bottle every night. its horrible. and i'm so ashamed. i've been attempting to restrict my calorie intake again, but i find that i'm working around the wine at night. am i becoming a lush now? a bulimic lush? can that even work? this is so distressing. and i just want to look small again. i need it. its sad. i don't even know what to write right now. all i know is that i'm eating way too much and drinking way too much and am sooooooooooooooooo unhappy. where to turn? where to go? i'm not sure at this point.

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 130 LBS
BMI - 22.31