WARNING: massive post, incomprehensible bitch fest

this will show how selfish and vain i really am. this will show how dramatic and ridiculous i can be. this will make you sick. this will make you hate me. i hate me. i am sick.

this will be a long one. possibly the longest ever. i don't know if anyone will read this. i'm sure i care too much to even explain. but whatever. there will be no logical sequence to this post. whatsoever. things will spew forth from my mind like vomit and then disappear as they please. ha. vomit. ha ha.

i've been sick. for a very long time. and i'm not talking about the bronchitis that currently ails me. what i am talking about is my head. my heart. all of that jazz. considering the family situations i grew up in. considering several other things. i have taken responsibility for my fractured ways as an adult, yet i WILL NOT say it is MY FAULT for what happened to me as a child and a teenager. fuck them. fuck you. you know who you are (just saying it to feel better, these people do not read this blog.... i hope).

where to start? what to say? specifically, i mean. i have no clue.

i wanted to be healthy. i was..... sort of healthy. i was in recovery, at least. kinda wavered after the girl was born. but then i got back on track for a little. i was a lot better (in regards to my mind and emotions). but then.... his mother came.

i speak. but he does not listen. THEY do not listen. i have NEVER been listened too. as far as i can truly remember.

my world has always been filled with roller coaster drama. if that makes any sense. ever since the date of my conception. i have been deceived, damaged, and unloved. THIS IS NOT MY FAULT! i will scream it at the tops of my lungs if i have to. i know what is my fault. i know what i do wrong. i take responsibility for my actions. however..... I WILL NOT CONDONE WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO CAUSE THESE ACTIONS.

i will repeat. i make no sense. this is more or less for my own sanity. or at least what i have left of it.

there are no means of stability in my life. no control. i have to make it myself. i've always had to create the illusion for myself. even when i was 5 years old i had to manufacture a sense of belonging and security FOR MYSELF. and it continues this way, no matter what THEY or HE says.

my current living situation. IS. NOT. MY. FAULT.

he wants me to be healthy again. he wants me to be fat. he wants me to be happy. well..... I SAY..... well....

i was those things (not overweight) but in recovery, eating as normal as possible. being healthy. for our little family. and when he told me SHE was coming and i said no. he continued to ask me. over and over. as time went by. persistent bastard. guilting me. saying things would work out. SHE needs to know the girl. SHE needs to be a grandma. i said, she hasn't even met her and she's 2 years old. SHE has never made an effort. never even tried to appear like she cares. i knew, against my better judgement, that NO!, things would be the same. i can't surround myself with shit like HER. for my own sanity and health, SHE can't come here!

its like an alcoholic hanging out at an old bar they used to visit frequently. its like a meth addict attempting to create their own meth lab and not indulge. its like someone with bipolar disorder not taking their meds and then working with needy and emotional children. NO. but he did not listen. so i gave in. feeling guilty. feeling helpless. wanting to comfort him. wanting him to KNOW i love him and want him to be happy. "she will be homeless" he said. "she will be alone" he said. "she will die" he said. and i didn't want those things.

9 years. he knows the type of depression episodes i can go through. 9 years. he knows my entire history. 9 FUCKING years. he knows about ED. he knows about the cutting. he knows about the abuse. HE KNOWS ABOUT EVERYTHING. and yet, this happens. he promised he could deal if she didn't follow through. he said he would take care of it all for US. he said he would make sure to fix things if she didn't change.

now he can't DEAL. now he complains all the time and GUILTS me for wanting her gone. ITS HER FAULT. SHE DIDN'T FOLLOW THROUGH. SHE ISN'T HELPING ANYTHING. SHE'S MAKING IT ALL WORSE. SHE IS SICKER THAN I AM (like that's possible). SHE'S affecting my girl and our relationship. we have no money. she is more SELFISH than i am. it's disgusting how selfish.

notice. my extreme restricting, weight loss, and weight obsession resumed INTENSELY once she arrived. NOTICE THIS!

i feel trapped. in. my. own. home. i feel uncomfortable. here. with myself. with her. i vomit. EVERY. FUCKING. NIGHT. i say i won't. then i do. i say i know what's going on. i can fix it. i have before. so. many. times. BUT I CAN'T NOW.

all i know is that i will be 100 LBS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! i will not agree to even thinking about recovery until she gets the fuck out. that's it. that's how its going to be.

then i cringe. my girl. is going. to be. so. fucked. up.

how can i do this to my daughter? how can he do this? we need to fix this. i don't know what to do right now. i want to cry. but the tears aren't there. this is how i know i am over my head in ED right now. i don't cry when doing these food things. and i think i really need to sob it out right now. but i don't feel comfortable. in. my. own. home. in. my. own. room. in. my. own. skin.

i wish this post had more meaning. but i guess its good to get it all out somewhere. i feel deeply ashamed of not wanting my mother-in-law here anymore. but the deal was, if she didn't get herself therapy and she didn't do things to help us with my daughter, then she would have to leave. she's been here since November. nothing has happened like he promised. and i don't know what to do.

last night i ate dinner with my girl instead of continuing my pledge of fasting. bcuz i felt guilty. bcuz i didn't want his mother looking at me the way she does. bcuz i didn't want her saying bullshit to him when he got home. then he came home. and we BINGED on a nachos, chips, and ice cream. i purged. took a shower. we fought. about the same old shit. money. his mother. sex (bcuz i will not have it, i don't want to, and i remember how easy it was to stay a virgin throughout high school and my first year of college cuz i was deep into ED and i just don't care about sex when i restrict and puke). me being a cold bitch. me. ME!!

i am currently 112.8. i ate a hard boiled egg today (yolk only). 55 cals. and half a jimmy dean sausage. 60 cals. that's it. i will be drinking tons of green tea and coffee. that's it. FUCK THEM.

i will put food on my plate. i will create the illusion of eating for my daughter. i will let her feed me little bits if she offers. but that's it for today. i don't care what his mother says. "GO BINGE BITCH" i'll say cuz that's all his mother does anyway. i don't care what HE says. he knows the situation. i've been honest about it from the very beginning. i even told him when i started purging again. HE ENABLES EVERYONE. AND HE IS CODEPENDENT WITH HER.

i will be 110 by April 1st.

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 113 LBS
BMI - 19.4