i'm back.......... and i'm a horse.

went crazy for a while. lots went on. lots of crazy. more than usual. now i'm back at 116.

missing, as usual, and extremely indifferent

first and foremost, let me apologize to those who possibly care (as if) for not committing more of myself to this blog. i've been overly preoccupied (as usual) with finding a permanent job and with not being an obscene jerk of a mommy to my little girl. i've been focusing A LOT of my time on my daughter and making her smile. its very important to me. as well, we are deathly poor at the moment and i have been working my tail off sub-ing (as well attempting to find my own classroom for next year).

haven't been really paying attention to my calorie intake, however i have been restricting and FINALLY going to gym (cuz its finally open, THANK THE GODDESS)! but i've been trying to NOT focus so much on how much i'm eating.... more like on what i am eating. if that makes since. i dunno. i'm lying to myself. i have no plan right now. whatsoever. and some days i don't eat anything. then other days i binge and purge. and then other days i'm restricting. makes no sense. i'm just all over the place. but for some reason. i'm still losing. which is nice. i guess.

i know. you're all thinking. excuses. excuses. you need more self control. you need more discipline. you need a plan. you need consequences. fucking flake. whatever.

anywho, i promised myself i would devote more time to this due to the specific fact I NEED the outlet. sincerely. cuz i'm getting crazier and crazier by the day due to my weight loss.

i am currently (and finally) 108 LBS. went on the scale and was like HELL NO! or was it HELL YES! ha ha. so.......... blah.....

one more LB and i'm officially underweight for my height. which is good for my disorder. and bad for my common sense. but fuck it.

anywho. my UGW is 100 even. was hoping to be there by now. but i guess slow steady always wins the race (or so the tortoise declares) and i should be patient. or at least satisfied for my success so far, no matter how small.

btw, i miss u all and hope u r all doing well. and please, give me the benefit of the doubt for not being a better blog-friend. cuz. well. i really do suck ass for being so self-absorbed/self-preoccupied but i am a good person. well. most of the time.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 108 LBS

BMI - 18.54

nothing to say. ever. or so it has been. recently.

crazy. life is a bully. and he's kicking my ass.

lost a LB. finally. scale is currently reading 109.8. rounding to 110. thank god. but want to be smaller. of course.

haven't been sticking to my fasts. haven't been counting my calories. trying to cut portions still. unfortunately, i have been purging. frequently. and taking the dreaded laxies. bah.

need more self discipline. as always. need more control.

nothing special to say right now. i need a permanent job. i need my own classroom. i need. i want. i need.

sorry i haven't passed over the sunshine reward i received. sorry i haven't been around. sorry. sorry. sorry.

flake.

loser.

i am those things. times 1 million.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 110 LBS

BMI - 18.88

long one: lots to note, lots to ignore

i know i haven't been around much. my heart just hasn't been in it lately. i'm chronically obsessing about my mother-in-law right now. i've reached the point where i honestly do not give a flying fuck what happens to her. and am feeling like a piece of shit because of it. very selfish of me. heartless. crap. whatever. she needs to GET OUT. i need my privacy. i only have enough room for my own crazy. i can't deal with hers too. i dunno what to do right now. she doesn't bathe. she doesn't help around here. she doesn't work. she doesn't clean. she just takes up space and brought her dog which gave my cats fleas and shits on the floor all the time cuz she never takes her out on walks. and damn, she doesn't do anything. she doesn't even take care of herself. RAR!

also, i've been extremely numb concerning food and weight. love that i can fit in to 2s. still restricting and exercising and purging. hate myself for eating even a little bit. despise myself for tormenting myself over this thin shit when i have a little girl to worry about. a little girl who has fucked up genetic predisposition to ED, depression, addiction, and possibly Bipolar disorder. lovely. i should be trying to create the way to success in life for her, not surround her with eating insanity. good lord. i mean, i know that no matter how much i attempt on hiding these issues from her, she will eventually sense them or stumble across it in some way. parents fuck up kids. no matter what. its just what happens. but I SO DO NOT WANT her to have these issues.

damn i'm a hypocrite.

anyways................... johnstonbee... gave me the sunshine award... in which i really am unsure if i deserve it... and, to be honest, i have no idea what it really means. i promise i will continue it on though. once i get some heart and time. perhaps over the weekend. i'm being flaky and lazy. for that, i apologize. and johnstonbee: THANKS! so much.

furthermore, i'm a fat fucking cow.

no.

really.

on that note. i weighed in today at 110.6. again. i can't budge. and i keep eating. can't seem to stick to a fast. it sucks.

i have no self-control. all i have is justification and excuses. BAH!

i really want to write more. but am uncertain as to what. i feel sick. that i can't write. like i used to. i actually used to pride myself on writing. wanted to be a poet. wanted to be published. since high school i thought writing was everything. and as i got older, i began to suck more and more. and devote less time to it. i've never been one for the rules of writing. always all over the place. free verse. blank verse. whatever you call it. like how i think. all scrambled and fucked up, yet attempting to be poignant. i love that word. poignant. i'm definitely a word girl. HA! word girl. anyways............... if you want ladies (and you haven't already) i have posted some choice pieces that i prefer (ones i wrote myself) here on this blog. further down. you must scroll all the way past my thinspo. the poems will be on the side. some are ED or self-harm oriented. just to let you know. remember now, i had been much younger when i wrote them. and am still very vain. my writing is self-indulgent bull shit. beware. and enjoy (or not).

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 111 LBS

BMI - 19.05

rambling, as usual

old. OLD. i am old. i've come to accept. i am old.

my life has changed. again. and again.

mutated. into something. worse. less palatable.

i cannot live this way. like this. in this. i'm not entirely sure how long i can survive. here. in this place. this forsaken place.

i am a failure. as a woman. as a person. as a mother. as a simple being. living being. what?

i NEED to lose more weight. this weight. i NEED to be 100 by May 1st.

can i do this? will i do this? i want to be 109 by MONDAY! can i do this? will i do this? ARG!

i don't want to be surrounded by this never ending guilt. anymore. no more.

my H says to me yesterday. you've lost too much weight. you are losing too much weight.

i said. BS! you have known from the beginning what this is about. we've been together 9 years. 9 YEARS! i have always been honest with you about this shit. and then you bring your fucked up mother here. accompanied by CRAZY! what do you expect from me? this is how i deal! this is how i survive. what do you want from me? seriously?

i just want to scream at the top of my lungs and then... and then... i dunno... kill something.

disturbed, disgraced... whatever....

i make no sense.

my title. makes no sense.

i think i've lost my mind.

anyways.....

haven't budged in the last couple days. in regards to weight, that is. the scale read 110.6 this morning. so, still saying 111 LBS for now. i really want to surpass 110 and go down to 109 right away. i'm crazy. i've been eating like a huge idiot the last two days. plus drinking wine. red wine. Cabernet to be exact. all i can say to that is CALORIE OVERLOAD. bah.

my plan for tomorrow is fast. LIQUID FAST. water. green tea. vitamin water zero. chicken broth (if necessary) and a little bit of Naked Protein Drink (maybe 1/2 a serving if light-headed). i will NOT eat solids tomorrow. NO MATTER WHAT! and i'm making my famous meatloaf and mash, so it will be hard. but if i can do this. then i go SHOPPING! cuz none of my damn clothes fit me. my underwear doesn't fit me. i need to get some xtra small sports bras. only thing that will work now. so. whatever. and i need size 2 jeans. thank the goddess. FINALLY!

let me breathe a sigh of relief. i love being small. and i can get smaller. i know it.

i still can't quite believe that in January i was 130. i am so glad i'm not anymore. and can't wait to be 100. being that i'm 5'4, this is awesome for me.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 111 LBS

BMI - 19.05

untitled BS

stepped on the scale this morn. prior to getting in the shower. and getting ready for work. at 6:00am. weighing in at 110.2 LBS. very nice. i must say i am pleased. hopefully i can keep this up. it read 111 even when i got home. but i'm good with that. still smaller than yesterday. i usually round up any way unless the number shown is even.

so i'm officially saying out loud - - - - - 111 today. hoping tomorrow the scale will read 110 even. damn. only 10 more LBS until my ultimate goal. hell yes.

now if i could only control my moods like i control my food intake. then life would be grand. would it not, ladies?

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 111

BMI - 19.05

not much to say

discouraged. tired. wordless. haven't been able to fast longer than 24 hours. always breaking at dinner. with my family. for multiple reasons. hungry. guilty. worried about my girl seeing me like this.

but. i stepped on the scale just a minute ago. says 111.4. a little better. more towards my goal. slowly. yet getting there. rounding to 112 for today. didn't eat all day until dinner.

working again tomorrow. won't eat all day until dinner again.

i'm losing. but while i lose. i lose hope. not all peaches. and cream.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 112 LBS

BMI - 19.22

spring break / easter / slash getting fat

i've been out of town. visiting with family. close family. family that are well aware of my issues with food. see.... my history... in the past.... when i was 16 and 17, i was hospitalized for cocaine addiction and ED. this was back in 1996, prior to the label addition of EDNOS to the DSM book in 2000. anywho, i had (still have) tendencies towards both. although the cocaine was only a symptom, i only did it so i wouldn't be hungry. believe me. it was more about being thin, than being high... although that was a nice added bonus at the time consider the crap i was dealing with as a teenager.

welps, so long story short, i had to tread carefully while away and around these family members of mine. and i gained 2 LBS back. BAH!

my scale is currently reading 112.6. so of course i round back up to 113. i have been liquid fasting all day today, so far so good. all i've had is some chicken broth (20 cals), 1/2 Naked Protein serving (110 cals), and a 8.4 oz sugar free red bull (10 cals). i am extremely nervous today. and NOT eating has been a simple thing because of it. i want to be 100 by may 1st so damn bad. yet i'm not sure how i will be able to accomplish that being the date today. not without cutting off a limb or something (just kidding).

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 113

BMI - 19.4

indifferent

stepped on the scale this morn. nakeee of course. reading 111.2. much nicer. i'm on the road to 110. hopefully by April 1st. however, tomorrow i'm driving three and a half hours south... so i'll need to eat a good breakfast so i don't get dizzy at the wheel with my girl in the car (scary).

in regards to my attempting to fast. again. today. for the third day in a row. it has been, so far, successful. which makes me super happy. considering my ass couldn't do it the first two times. i don't know why i'm okay today. don't really want to think about it. i'm really numb right now. had a long discussion with my H last night. all about the current "living situation" and the whole SICK ASS SELFISH mother-in-law thing. it kinda drained me. he's drained too. its so damn sad she's doing this to him. and has been doing similar shit his whole life. it makes me physically sick. i almost threw up doing the "talk" and started gagging. this whole thing has been a major trigger for me. its crazy. i mean, don't get me wrong. i know what i do is my own doing. i take total responsibility for my actions and what not. but damn, my weight loss has dropped to almost high school weight. i mean that's crazy. considering i'll be 30 in june. i mean, hey, i love it. but somewhere deep inside i know its not healthy and i know its a big sign of me being sucked into ED. it's funny. ironic. whatever, but i like know all of the things i do in regards to food and weight are wrong. i am heavily aware of the sickness. where as when i was younger, i hadn't a clue. i honestly thought everything was okay. but now.... i mean... i really know. and yet... i still do it.

i'm reading Hunger Point by Jillian Medoff. again. and like an hour ago i came across this one part that totally sums things up for me. here, read on. this is taken from Shelly's diary:

"They ask me what I think of food. I tell them I don't know, but I do. I know everything about it. I feel like I'm at war. It's all about the battle. I am always aware of what I'm doing. I watch myself watch the plate, I watch my hand lift my fork. I watch the mouth that opens like a cunt, the fork that slides in like a dick. That fucks me every time I swallow. I watch every second. I savor it all. The object, however, is to not let them know that you know this. Because if they do, they will take it away. Not the food, of course, but the knowing. Your absolute certainty that you will win. That's the real war, not the food, but the fuck and the desire of that fuck that I can control and deny. That I can destroy. You destroy the hunger, you destroy the desire, you destroy the need, you destroy the girl. The Me. And once I'm gone, what's left to fuck?"

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 112 LBS

BMI - 19.22

thoughtless and unimaginative

i really don't have much to write. i have been extremely stressed and depressed today. due to crappy family stuff here. as usual. of late. bah.

anywho. just stepped on the scale. don't know why, cuz i usually stick to morning weighings. i was actually NOT going to weigh in today bcuz of how horrendous i've been feeling and i didn't want a let down. but, obviously, i ended up giving in and the scale read 111.8. so yay for me. i round up to 112. thank god. now if i can only get to 110 by April 1st, maybe some of the "weight" will be lifted off my shoulders. get it. weight. ha.

last night i binged/purged. again. this time on nachos and then left overs. its becoming a nightly ritual. i won't be surprised if i end up having a coronary some time soon considering i'm a CRONE. and i don't take care of myself.

didn't stick to the fast today. again. i just. i dunno. i have no damn excuses. i just kept snacking. little bits here. little bits there. and then my 1/2 a serving Naked Protein. so i capped at 475 cals and i am currently hungry as hell. but i'm so saddened, i just don't feel like eating. which i guess is a good thing.

wow. this post sucks. well, at least i'm finally 112. two more LBS by April. ten more by May. i need some magic, girls. good magic.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 112 LBS

BMI - 19.22

damn damn damn CORNBREAD damn

bad news. did NOT stick to the fast more than 15 hours. that was, more specifically, 15 hours of NO SOLID FOODS. but i still had 1/2 a serving of a Naked Protein Drink (110 cals) and 1 serving of Beef Broth (15 cals). was doing well until dinner. of course. as usual. ended up eating dinner with my daughter and H. he asked me to make "drum roll please" CORNBREAD!

----runs around screaming in hysterics----

arg. and he grills BBQ chicken in BBQ sauce. sweet baby rays. damn. thank god i only ate like 1/2 an ounce of that shit. so like 75 cals for the chicken. 100 cals for the SMALL ASS piece of cornbread. and then i ate cucumber/tomato salad on lettuce with oil and vinegar. BAH. a whole big ASS bowl. i would say like 125 cals for that (give or take). so maybe today.... estimation wise... a total of 425 CALS. i know for sure no more than 500. thank the goddess. but i originally wanted to liquid fast. damn it all.

good news. i did not fail completely and freak out, binge/purge and be a total glutinous pig. usually that is what happens. yet, currently, my stomach is growling like crazy... so at least i had a little self-control.

tomorrow is a new day. i will attempt a liquid fast. again. without eating dinner. stick to my broth and protein drinks. green tea and vitamin water zero. damn. i better do this. cuz i fucking know, come WEDS when i drive down south with my daughter i'm going to be fed like a stock pig by good intentions.

i will be 100 by may. i will be 100 by may. i will be 100 by may.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 113

BMI - 19.4

weak, pathetic, and disgusting... that's me.

okay. so i deserve to die. i realized, just now, that i frequently choose to eat fatty fucking obese people foods when i'm starving. i have no sense of self-control or discipline. i always fucking fail my fasts and then make excuses for myself.

i went to this fair and ate half a small order of cheesy fries (CHEESE FUCKING CHEESE), 3/4 a large order of fried broccoli (FRIED FUCKING FRIED), and half a soft salted pretzel. all carbs. all fry butter crap! WTF! i had originally planned on just getting a roasted corn cob (no butter). but NO! i needed cheese and buttery carb fry crap!

i just want to scream.

and i didn't purge cuz the bathrooms there are REVOLTING! and i was with my daughter and H. so no dice. ARG! i feel like a FAT HEIFER! HEIFER!

I'M A HEIFER!

so. tomorrow. serious. as. NAZI FAST! i'm talking no excuses. NO JUSTIFICATIONS! no giving in. i don't care what happens. WATER AND VITAMIN WATER ZERO ONLY. maybe a sugar free red bull. and LOTS OF GREEN TEA! BAH!

soon i'll be heading down south to stay with family for spring break and EASTER. which means LOTS OF EATING. and i cannot fake this shit. cuz this particular part of my family are serious eaters/ feeders. they would hound me until i told them all the truth. i have a very difficult time hiding my issues from these peeps. its not like being around my mom or siblings. this is way different. and very hard for me to explain. i will attempt to be extremely careful, but i know i'm gonna come back after the 4th gaining. so i'm probably going to restrict like crazy until WEDNESDAY (cuz thats when we're leaving). i might even attempt to CRACK DOWN and fast until WEDS with broths and protein drinks (sparingly) and vitamin water and green tea. i'll decide tomorrow after i see how successful i am.

EDIT: i think my period is coming. i'm bloated, irritable, and fucking STARVING. more so than usual. i always get unbelievably ravenous before my cycle comes. it's horrible. and i seriously put on 3 to 5 lbs during my periods. and then out of nowhere, it tends to disappear. some times being a female sucks donkey balls.

i need smaller underwear

i really have nothing of too much excitement to talk about.

i need something smaller than size 5. are there any unders smaller than size 5? i can't believe it. plus, my boobs are disappearing. not exactly a good thing, but definitely a sign of weight loss. thank the goddess. i think i may need to drop to an A. crazy, right? i haven't been an A since high school. lovely. anywho, i stepped on the scale this morning. 112.2. i'm still saying 113 though. i won't commit to 112 until it reads it on the dot. just how i do things.

i've been extremely depressed and stressed. had two panic attacks today. haven't had panic attacks since prior to my daughter's birth. i think i've definitely fell of the rocker for sure. binge/purge every night, even though every day i vow to stop. can't help it. started doing random laps around the block at no specific time in the day, just every couple hours or so. walking fast, not running. just to burn calories.

haven't been counting cals much (other than what i know by memory---- which is a lot actually) and haven't been keeping track religiously.

ate like crazy for dinner yesterday. i made homemade spaghetti. granted, with ground turkey and veggies, but i ate 3 cups. that's like 1000 calories. very bad. i cried about it. i haven't cried in a while. its been nutty over here.

hoping to start losing weight even faster. my gym opens in a month and i have my membership. 10 a month. i'm SOOOOOOOOOOOO excited. 5am to 12am week days. HOLY SHIT! I CAN'T WAIT!

will be going to the county fair when my daughter gets up from her nap. I LOVE THE FAIR. only negative is that i also love the crappy food they sell. and will most likely overindulge. but i plan on FASTING like crazy tomorrow FOR REAL! so a little won't hurt (hopefully). all i've had today is one jiffy pancake and a sugar free red bull. nothing else. so... i think something small like grilled corn or something should suffice. we really have NO MONEY so we can't spend much anywho. and i promised my daughter a treat at the fair (like ice cream) but my H will finish off whatever she gets so i'm not worried in that department. wish me luck!

think thin. be thin.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 113 LBS

BMI - 19.4

overwrought random thoughts

i feel. defeated. absolutely done. stick a fork in me. i'm done.

i am lost. i have forgotten. how to find my way back. i am afraid. so frightened. i cannot even fathom asking for directions. i am hopeless. the tiny light within has discontinued to flicker. i am alone. in this. with no one. to turn to. this is the end. for i have started over too many times. and do not wish to begin again.

desperate quarrels. infect me. with hate. as i attack with poisonous words. those. who love me most.

false joys. cannot quell this fear. rooted deep within. no relief. to quench my searing pain. i am mislead. by ignorance. and vanity. i can no longer see. myself. for who i really am. this is a constant struggle. to simply keep from disappearing.

so sorry for last night

i was ridiculously drunk. last night. those pics were horrible. i can't believe i did that. i drank a whole 6 pack of mich ultra, pretty much on an empty stomach. not smart. and i really wanted to show that pizza who was boss. and i was so angry yesterday cuz of all the fighting the night before. bah.

just to let you all know, i will be taking those FRIGHTENING pics down. i can't afford for anyone i possibly know to come across them. considering i'm a teacher. also bcuz of my past, i know A LOT of ED peeps in and out of recovery. i just don't want people to see me like that. its shameful. and OMG i know i can photo much better than that. believe me, i know i'm not hot, but SHIT those pics should be outlawed.

i feel really yucky today. and my daughter has been in TANTRUM OVERLOAD all day. mostly about hard boiled eggs, pee pee in the potty, and big girl underwear. don't ask.

anyways. on with the show.

the pizza eventually won. TKO. my H ate the first one all by himself and went to sleep. i vowed not to cook the next one and was furious he even brought it home. as i was on my 6th beer, post-crazy-ass-photo shoot, things got all jumbled for me. i woke up in the bathroom in the middle of the night. must have been like 3 or 4 in the morning or something. there was puke all over the toilet. horrible. so i thought i just got sick. well.... as i looked closer and cleaned up and then went into the kitchen to get water, i found the second pizza box. its like i blacked out or something and binged/purged in a drunken stupor. how pathetic is that?

PATHETIC

i'm so damn pathetic. and i LOOK HORRIBLE. i really disgust myself. and i'm so damn OLD. eeww.

BTW ---> to those of you who commented on the pics ---> thank you for being gentle and kind with me even though i know deep down you were just being nice and didn't want to hurt my feelings. i really appreciate it. believe me. i think i'm somewhat attention starved for girls who understand where i've been. so thank you.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 113 LBS

BMI - 19.4

pics i prolly should NOT be posting

EDIT 03-25-2010: i removed the pics with my face. thanks.

i feel like showing everyone how disgusting i am. thanks.

today has been a horrible day.

i've decided (just now) to take massive amounts of gross pics of myself to keep me from eating... binging. right now.
look at my arms. they're so revolting.

don't i look happy? and pretty? NOT. god i'm an old CRONE!

i'm proud to say, however, i have not eaten that pizza. and i have not binged. although, now, i cannot sleep. i think i

have insomnia based on not binging and that i will not be able to sleep until i do so. but i won't. so i'm taking pictures.

at least my collarbones look better than a couple of months ago.

i know. i know. my LOVE handles are horrendous and unforgivable. i'm working on it. remember though. i'm way older than most of you. and have had a child. give me time.

all i can say is that i'm fucking STARVING and very very very unhappy.

i am so bored and distraught and retarded. i just want to eat. binge. and puke it all away.

digerno

my husband brought home frozen digerno pizza. fuck. him. two of them. two huge slices are sitting next to me right now as i type this. 500 cals each. FUCK. HIM. it smells. so. good. BUT I WILL NOT EAT THEM! i know what he's up to. i know what he's doing.

fuck this. i chose to drink mich ultra (95 cals each). rather than eat both slices and possibly the other ENTIRE pizza.

i don't understand why he wants me to eat this shit when he knows i will purge after. and he acts like i don't. but he knows i do. cuz i tell him each time. he knows. but he'd rather me eat like a pig and barf. it makes no sense. my heart could fucking stop today from it. I'M FUCKING 29!

WARNING: massive post, incomprehensible bitch fest

this will show how selfish and vain i really am. this will show how dramatic and ridiculous i can be. this will make you sick. this will make you hate me. i hate me. i am sick.

this will be a long one. possibly the longest ever. i don't know if anyone will read this. i'm sure i care too much to even explain. but whatever. there will be no logical sequence to this post. whatsoever. things will spew forth from my mind like vomit and then disappear as they please. ha. vomit. ha ha.

i've been sick. for a very long time. and i'm not talking about the bronchitis that currently ails me. what i am talking about is my head. my heart. all of that jazz. considering the family situations i grew up in. considering several other things. i have taken responsibility for my fractured ways as an adult, yet i WILL NOT say it is MY FAULT for what happened to me as a child and a teenager. fuck them. fuck you. you know who you are (just saying it to feel better, these people do not read this blog.... i hope).

where to start? what to say? specifically, i mean. i have no clue.

i wanted to be healthy. i was..... sort of healthy. i was in recovery, at least. kinda wavered after the girl was born. but then i got back on track for a little. i was a lot better (in regards to my mind and emotions). but then.... his mother came.

i speak. but he does not listen. THEY do not listen. i have NEVER been listened too. as far as i can truly remember.

my world has always been filled with roller coaster drama. if that makes any sense. ever since the date of my conception. i have been deceived, damaged, and unloved. THIS IS NOT MY FAULT! i will scream it at the tops of my lungs if i have to. i know what is my fault. i know what i do wrong. i take responsibility for my actions. however..... I WILL NOT CONDONE WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO CAUSE THESE ACTIONS.

i will repeat. i make no sense. this is more or less for my own sanity. or at least what i have left of it.

there are no means of stability in my life. no control. i have to make it myself. i've always had to create the illusion for myself. even when i was 5 years old i had to manufacture a sense of belonging and security FOR MYSELF. and it continues this way, no matter what THEY or HE says.

my current living situation. IS. NOT. MY. FAULT.

he wants me to be healthy again. he wants me to be fat. he wants me to be happy. well..... I SAY..... well....

i was those things (not overweight) but in recovery, eating as normal as possible. being healthy. for our little family. and when he told me SHE was coming and i said no. he continued to ask me. over and over. as time went by. persistent bastard. guilting me. saying things would work out. SHE needs to know the girl. SHE needs to be a grandma. i said, she hasn't even met her and she's 2 years old. SHE has never made an effort. never even tried to appear like she cares. i knew, against my better judgement, that NO!, things would be the same. i can't surround myself with shit like HER. for my own sanity and health, SHE can't come here!

its like an alcoholic hanging out at an old bar they used to visit frequently. its like a meth addict attempting to create their own meth lab and not indulge. its like someone with bipolar disorder not taking their meds and then working with needy and emotional children. NO. but he did not listen. so i gave in. feeling guilty. feeling helpless. wanting to comfort him. wanting him to KNOW i love him and want him to be happy. "she will be homeless" he said. "she will be alone" he said. "she will die" he said. and i didn't want those things.

9 years. he knows the type of depression episodes i can go through. 9 years. he knows my entire history. 9 FUCKING years. he knows about ED. he knows about the cutting. he knows about the abuse. HE KNOWS ABOUT EVERYTHING. and yet, this happens. he promised he could deal if she didn't follow through. he said he would take care of it all for US. he said he would make sure to fix things if she didn't change.

now he can't DEAL. now he complains all the time and GUILTS me for wanting her gone. ITS HER FAULT. SHE DIDN'T FOLLOW THROUGH. SHE ISN'T HELPING ANYTHING. SHE'S MAKING IT ALL WORSE. SHE IS SICKER THAN I AM (like that's possible). SHE'S affecting my girl and our relationship. we have no money. she is more SELFISH than i am. it's disgusting how selfish.

notice. my extreme restricting, weight loss, and weight obsession resumed INTENSELY once she arrived. NOTICE THIS!

i feel trapped. in. my. own. home. i feel uncomfortable. here. with myself. with her. i vomit. EVERY. FUCKING. NIGHT. i say i won't. then i do. i say i know what's going on. i can fix it. i have before. so. many. times. BUT I CAN'T NOW.

all i know is that i will be 100 LBS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! i will not agree to even thinking about recovery until she gets the fuck out. that's it. that's how its going to be.

then i cringe. my girl. is going. to be. so. fucked. up.

how can i do this to my daughter? how can he do this? we need to fix this. i don't know what to do right now. i want to cry. but the tears aren't there. this is how i know i am over my head in ED right now. i don't cry when doing these food things. and i think i really need to sob it out right now. but i don't feel comfortable. in. my. own. home. in. my. own. room. in. my. own. skin.

i wish this post had more meaning. but i guess its good to get it all out somewhere. i feel deeply ashamed of not wanting my mother-in-law here anymore. but the deal was, if she didn't get herself therapy and she didn't do things to help us with my daughter, then she would have to leave. she's been here since November. nothing has happened like he promised. and i don't know what to do.

last night i ate dinner with my girl instead of continuing my pledge of fasting. bcuz i felt guilty. bcuz i didn't want his mother looking at me the way she does. bcuz i didn't want her saying bullshit to him when he got home. then he came home. and we BINGED on a nachos, chips, and ice cream. i purged. took a shower. we fought. about the same old shit. money. his mother. sex (bcuz i will not have it, i don't want to, and i remember how easy it was to stay a virgin throughout high school and my first year of college cuz i was deep into ED and i just don't care about sex when i restrict and puke). me being a cold bitch. me. ME!!

i am currently 112.8. i ate a hard boiled egg today (yolk only). 55 cals. and half a jimmy dean sausage. 60 cals. that's it. i will be drinking tons of green tea and coffee. that's it. FUCK THEM.

i will put food on my plate. i will create the illusion of eating for my daughter. i will let her feed me little bits if she offers. but that's it for today. i don't care what his mother says. "GO BINGE BITCH" i'll say cuz that's all his mother does anyway. i don't care what HE says. he knows the situation. i've been honest about it from the very beginning. i even told him when i started purging again. HE ENABLES EVERYONE. AND HE IS CODEPENDENT WITH HER.

i will be 110 by April 1st.

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 113 LBS
BMI - 19.4

naked can be good (sometimes)

so i just took off all my clothes and stepped on the scale again (nutty) and it read 112.2. OMG. i am so going to have a successful fast today. i KNOW i will be 112 tomorrow. YES YES YES!

YAY!

something to add (i feel like i will be adding things all day)

I LOVE GREEN TEA!

holy shit biscuits batman!

i just stepped on the scale. no way! hahahaha! i'm crazy this morning. delirious with sickness.

anywho, i stepped on the scale and 112.8. HELL YEAH BITCHES!

okay. so i'm rounding to 113. but that's def what i wanted today. so tomorrow.... PLEASE 112! i'm fasting today. or at least, attempting to. hmm. i feel like i'm always attempting to fast now. whatever. its starting right now, cuz this morn i ate half a jimmy dean sausage (damn meat addiction) with my daughter today (so 60 calories of pure FAT) but it tasted so fucking good. whatever. i also had some strawberries (7 cals or so) no biggie. nothing else for the day though. hopefully. i'm honestly going to make a huge effort cuz DAMN 112 would be fucking nice. NICE i say! NICE!

i've noticed that as i get more comfortable with restricting, dieting, and losing weight again (i know, its horrible, i'm going to hell), i have started being more honest about it and talking about it to everyone like i don't even care cuz i can do what i want. i do what i want. also, i'm cussing like crazy. i'm such an old crone and acting like nutty balls. oh well. not around my daughter though. that's the only person i don't want to infect with my ridiculousness. i'm very very careful about that (i know, i'm a horrendous mother and should be put down, YOU GO TO HELL).

okay. okay. enough of this nonsense.

in other news. all my clothes are falling off me. its about time for me to start shopping for some smaller shit. i can't go around wearing the gothic/emo shit i wore in high school (in which i still have, btw). i'm a mother and a teacher for the love of god. so, i need new clothes ASAP.

i just read what i wrote and damn i'm a loser. LOSER.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 113 LBS

BMI - 19.4

almost forgot

my girl went back to the doctors today. she's on antibiotics that make her vomit now. lovely. but hopefully she'll be back to her cheery self in a few days. poor love. being sick and so little is fucked up.

last night she ended up sleeping with us. of course i couldn't sleep. she entangles herself in me and my arms and my hair and kicks and pulls at me all night long. plus the random wakings and crying doesn't help either. then morn came and i had to venture off to a 2nd grade classroom of extremely emotional and needy children. i was blasted by the days end.

you would think i could be even thinner in relation to all the damn stress i deal with on a daily bases. but no. no luck for me.

FINGERS CROSSED on 113 tomorrow.

i dunno whats going on

i just stepped on the scale. just now. and it read 113.6. i don't know how. considering i've been eating red meat for three nights straight. i would plan on fasting each one of those days (cuz my plan went to shit and i've been totally ignoring my fitday calculations). FUCKING RED MEAT! hey. i'm not complaining. i've been dying to get closer to 113 again. and of course, be 110 by April. but damn. it makes no sense what so ever.

so i'm rounding up to 114 LBS. right now. as i tend to do. and am still awestruck by this fucking number. considering i NEVER weigh myself at night. whatever.

PLEASE LET ME BE 113 tomorrow.

i planned on fasting... again... today. went okay. drank two servings of an Odwalla protein drink thinking i wasn't gonna touch solids today. then the next fucking thing i know, i'm shoving deli-cut roast beef down my fat gullet. nice. ROAST BEEF? wtf. what is my obsession with red meat? is it that i'm damn sick and have been for the last two weeks? i dunno.

btw, i'm gonna ditch the fucking google agenda thing cuz i never follow it. ever. EVER!

i hate myself right now. for not being able to fast like a pro. i'm fucking 29. will be 30 in june. god help us all. ARG!

i'm making no sense what so ever right now. just rambling like a whiny bitch. and am about to go drink some mich ultra. GOD I'M WEAK!!!

ive been drinking either wine or beer every night these past three days. HEY! maybe that's why i've been eating so damn much. but wouldn't i gain? or be bloated beyond belief? am i dehydrated? whatever. my husband is home. its time for me to go before he starts snooping.

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 114 LBS
BMI - 19.57

no dedication + laziness = no weight-loss

i haven't had enough courage to step on the scale today. so i'm going to go ahead and lie to myself and say i'm still 115. last night was fucking ridiculous. i want to blame it on being sick with bronchitis and drunk as shit from post-wedding-reception retard-ness. whatever. then this morning i ate buttered toast with my daughter for breakfast and left over mac&chz for lunch. wtf is wrong with me? i can't believe myself. i was doing so good. or at least i thought so. i need more self control god damn it. BLAH! this is driving me absolutely bonkers. i can't seem to focus on my weight loss at all recently and forget about my 3579 plan. that's been blown straight to hell weeks ago.

bah. i need a fresh start. whatever. i can't think of this right now. i'm too tired, too hungover, too sick, and damn starving today!

i have to work tomorrow, even though its against my better judgement (HA! like i have anything like that). i'm still ass sick but we are damn poor and are having HUGE financial issues currently. so off to sub tomorrow. i will be getting another pay check in a week, yet its all going to bills. nothing left over for me. of course, i never spend it on myself. always on my girl. toys. clothes. food. whatever she wants.

anywho. i'm gonna shut up now and hopefully nap a bit before she gets up from her nap. poor sick feverish girl. its back to the doctors with her tomorrow, my husband will be taking her and i'll let you all know how she is.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 115 LBS

BMI - 19.74

drunk

i'm drunk. as shit. and fat. as fuck. i want to be small. light. ethereal. i can't control myself. all i do is binge and purge. i love food. i love to eat. what i s wrong with me? i can't control myself. some one help me. i feel so sick. but not sick enough to puke.

big FAT failure

okay so my fast yesterday did not happen. and i've been eating like an idiot. fucking just came from a wedding reception (even though sick as hell) and ate prime rib and potatoes. and lots of wine and champagne. i swear last night i was gonna be okay but then my husband and i went to the store and bought chips and ice cream and cones and shit. damn damn damn. purged, of course, but i don't think i got it all. then today was okay, but night came around and i ate mac & chz with my sick daughter and then went to this wedding and ate there too. BAH!

the only good thing was that at the reception this kid said i was a MILF and then some other lady's husband said 'he liked my dress'. so i guess i'm looking a little better than before. i just need to lose these last 15 lbs. 130 back in jan. now 115. and soon hopefully 100. cross your fingers girls. i need to lose this fucking poundage!

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 115 LBS
BMI - 19.74

attemtping a FAST even though dying with mucus

trying to jump back on "being crazy about food intake" today. and so, it begins with my liquid fasting. so far. so good. all i've had today is green tea, sugar free red bulls, and a little protein smoothie. that's it. no more than 100 so far. jumped on the scale and it said 114.6. so of course i round to 115. but i really really really want to be an even 114 or less tomorrow. so fast it up.

anywho, my nose is running like crazy. sneezing like crazy. snotting like crazy. and the bronchitis is hell. and the nebulizer steroids are making me fucking NUTS. i'm shaking like a yuppie in the ghetto.

in other news, my girl is feeling better. follow up at the doctor went okay. she's still running fevers though, yet seems happier and more like her self today.

i'm bored out of my mind and need constant attention. comment on my shit so i don't go and harass my hubby when he gets home. thanks.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 115 LBS

BMI - 19.74

Disney's Mulan

i'm watching Mulan with my sick girl who is running a 102 fever. i'm sick too. and i realize Disney is what is wrong with the US. most definitely. anywho.... so many quotes i find in this movie work well for me. cuz, u know, i'm crazy and the world revolves around me.

***

Fa-zhou (Mulan's Father talking to Mulan indirectly): My, my. What beautiful blossoms we have this year. But look! This one's late. But I'll bet that when it blooms, it will be the most beautiful of all.

***

The Emperor of China: The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all.

Shang: Sir?

The Emperor of China: You don't meet a girl like that every dynasty.

***

Men want girls

with good taste

Calm

Obedient

Who work fast-paced

With good breeding

And a tiny waist

~just a small part of Mulan's Honor to Us All song~

***

Look at me

I will never pass for a perfect bride

Or a perfect daughter

Can it be

I'm not meant to play this part?

Now I see

That if I were truly to be myself

I would break my family's heart

Who is that girl I see

Staring straight

Back at me?

Why is my reflection someone

I don't know?

Somehow I cannot hide

Who I am

Though I've tried

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside?

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside?

~Mulan's Reflection Song~

bronchitis sucks

okay. so ive been sick forever now. and now my daughter has it too. real bad. high fevers and everything. she has no appetite (which freaks me out completely, god i'm such a hypocrite). and i just can't stop eating. although, i haven't breached 115 yet. i really want to see 114 again. and then 113 just as quickly. i have no motivation to restrict, exercise, or even purge. i'm just too damn tired and sick. i know. excuses excuses. but i really do not want this to turn into pneumonia. which is extremely possible considering how horrible ive been treating my body. and knowing my luck, would kill me and leave my poor daughter motherless and moneyless. bleh. i'm being dramatic right now. what's new?

anyway. ive eaten half a nectarine today. two buttered pieces of marble rye. and a couple of tablespoons of homemade hummus. that's it. so not so bad.

as you can tell, i have not been sticking to my 3579 plan at all. and i know i definitely need to adjust my agenda and start over with some motivation and focus, but i'm not up to it yet. hopefully by the weekend i'll be feeling better. we'll see.

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 115 LBS
BMI - 19.74

SICK

okay. so i'm back at 115 lbs. damn it all. i think i'm gonna die. whatever. i've been sick for the last three days. it started with a sore throat and a cough. now its bronchitis. i can't focus. i slept all damn day on Saturday while my husband took care of my girl. damn. i'm coughing so much now and it hurts like a bitch. i haven't stuck to my fasts for more than 12 hours. i always end up eating dinner with my daughter cuz (1) i feel guilty when she asks about "where is your dinner" and (2) i'm fucking worn out and so tired and just i know i should eat right now cuz i'm dying of sickness. damn public school system and sub-ing in multiple sick infested classrooms. bah.

so i stepped on the scale this morning and ARG it said 115. i'm really angry about this. i binged and purged last night on pizza and then tonight i made fucking cupcakes for my anniversary. 9 damn years. and i can't fucking lose the poundage.

i feel this absolute need to be 100 lbs by APRIL. omg please. i need to be 100 by april. i don't know why. i've been crazy about it. maybe its bcuz then i don't have to think about anything else. but lately i've been too lax about my 3579 plan. damn. i need more CONTROL. i need more WILLPOWER. i need to be STRONG. and i know that when EASTER comes around i'll be eating like a fat pig at my aunt's house. i don't know what to do then.

i know my writing right now is random and makes no sense. i've been drinking champagne for my anniversary. 9 years. i know. i've said it already. any way, i tried on these capris my mom sent like a year ago (in which there was no way i could fit into them then) and they're fucking LOOSE. size 2. no fucking way. NO FUCKING WAY! size 2. okay so how can i get to 0. i'm goddamn 30 in june. and i'm wearing a 2. HELL YEAH BITCHES!

okay. ramble ramble. i gotta lose a LB by tomorrow!!!!

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 115 LBS

BMI - 19.74

smell the flowers, blow out the candles...

today is a FAST day. thank you goddess. i need it. i need to really stick to a two day fast. and i am so excited about it. its funny. i'm damn hungry. but i don't care. its not bothering me one bit. its prolly cuz i am majorly stressed about family drama. financial drama. EVERYTHING!

anyways. i just stepped on the scale. it read 113.8. HELL YEAH! so of course i round up to 114. and wow..... i took a deep breath and it felt sooooooooooooooo good to see that number. hopefully after my two day fasting i'll be down to 113. i'm on the road to nowhere. and i love it.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 114 LBS

BMI - 19.57

MIA drama

sorry girls. ive been missing through out the week. although i'm sure no one really noticed. blah blah. anywho. ive been a bit preoccupied with work and family drama. as usual. and my plan has lost a little starlight in my eyes (if that makes any sense). i haven't lost much. and i haven't gained. and i haven't really been focusing on my plan. but ive been restricting still, just not as strictly. haven't really been counting cals too much. just missing meals and cutting portions in half. but not counting as religiously as before. ive been too..... stressed.... with other drama. like... my damn mother-in-law. and how bad she needs to get THE FUCK OUT. blah blah. on that note, i'm not going into any details. i have to go into my own little imaginary world so as NOT TO KILL HER. blah blah.

sometimes i really think i'm a horrible person. just disgusting. simply revolting. seriously. this sucks major donkey balls. and i need some damn peace of mind. ARG!

and.... i need to be 110 soon. or i'm going to freak out. majorly.

damn i'm poignant.

here's something a bit more positive. so i was working yesterday at a school that i interned at and one of my student's moms saw me (after not seeing me in a couple months) and said "Have you lost weight? You look FABULOUS! You must have lost a ton of weight! How much did you lose since i last saw you? You look great!!" and it made me feel so damn good. then two more people at this school mentioned my weight loss and told me i looked great. it was awesome and i guess, damn noticeable. thank you god. i was such a whale back in decemeber. YUCK!

okay. i'm done now.

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 115 LBS
BMI - 19.74

nothing of real importance... just an acrostic... pointless

O ld

M eloncholy

I diotic

N eurotic

O dd

U gly

S ickening

we did acrostic poems in the class i sub-ed in today. sigh. i'm such a drama queen. barf.

today is new DAMNED day

i have so much on my mind and so much that i would like to write down, but i just don't feel it today. which actually causes me immense amounts of pain and shame. i'm extremely stressed right now. i wish i could just fade away into sleepy nothingness. yet there's so much to do here. so much that i constantly fail at. so much that i never do right. RAR!

as you can see i'm back to 117 on the dot. all i can say is ARG!

yesterday sucked. BLAH!

today's a new day. haven't eaten anything. no solid foods. had 2 hot green/ginseng teas. lotsa water. 2 cups of coffee with just a little bit of milk (i would say 50 or 60 cals worth since it was whole milk). and a little bit of a protein drink (probably a little less than half a serving = about 80 cals). so far so good. i do not plan on allowing any solid foods pass these lips today! maybe i'll have a little more protein drink and perhaps some broth. i'm estimating no more than 200 cals today!

wish me luck ladies!

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 117 LBS

BMI - 20.08

blew it on meatloaf and mashed potatoes! ARG!

okay. so the title says it all. damn it. potatoes are my weak point. i know. its degrading. i'm disgusting. whatever. maxed out and i am currently at --cue eerie horror music here-- 1,513 cals. and i couldn't throw up. i wanted to. omg i wanted to. but there was no way around it. daughter had to pee. one bathroom. all that. and when my daughter gets on the toilet and looks at "her books" she'll sit there for an hour. thought about going to get a garbage bag or something. i know. i'm gross. but my mother-in-law was doing the dishes and it was like i had no option but to let it --more eerie horror music-- sit. and then of course attach itself to my fat old lady ass. bah.

so here's what i'm gonna do to try and make it up to myself. tomorrow was supposed to be 900. but fuck that, i'm fasting. liquid fasting. no solid foods. and then i'm starting the damn 3579 cycle all over again. two FAST days and then back at 300. FUCK! i'm so damn disgusted with myself right now i could scream.

i'm gonna go on my google agenda and adjust the schedule. hopefully i didn't do too much damage to my progress. i was so close to 115. RAR!!!

sigh. i think i should drink tonight.

how low can u go?

stepped on the scale this morning and it read 115.4 LBS. still rounding up to 116 for now. i usually don't say the lower number until i'm even 115.0 LBS (superstitious and don't wanna jinx myself). definitely hoping for that tomorrow.

700 cal day. doing good so far. i'm only at 350 cals right now and the current time is 3:13pm. that's awesome!

::::dances a little jig::::

that leaves me at 350 for dinner! YAY! i'm so excited! i do not plan to consume anything after 6pm. so i feel like i'm in the clear today! thin. slender. slim. skinny. small. light. fit. happy. YAY!

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 116 LBS
BMI - 19.91

small success

yesterday was MUCH MUCH better than the weekend and Monday. thank you god. i ate exactly 301 cals yesterday, no more than that! i went to bed with my tummy growling and visions of pasta floating around my head. but i stuck to my guns! I'M STOKED. then to make things even sweeter, i've lost. i have no idea how it happened. but i think sticking to mainly protein is helping immensely.

believe it or not, i got up this morning and jumped on the scale and guess what? it read 115.8. can you believe that? i was like HUH? considering i had gained back a LB from drinking Sunday night. but hey. hell yeah!! of course i'm rounding it up to 116. i always round up.

well, i got home from taking my daughter all over the place and weighed myself again before lunch and it read 116.0 exactly. sweet! YAYAYAYAYAY! i'm dying for the scale to read 115 tomorrow. oh please oh please.

in other news, today is a 500 cal day. so far so good. right now i'm at 343 cals total

2 egg yolks (hard boiled), 1 slice of bacon (couldn't help it, husband was making it and it smelled soooooooooooooo good), a spinach and tomato salad with little balsamic, and 5 tbsp of homemade hummus (was making it and tasting it, went a little crazy there).

so that leaves me 157 cals for the rest of the night (mainly for dinner cuz i definitely do not plan on eating after 6pm). wish me luck ladies! i'm feeling positive about this one!

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 116 LBS

BMI - 19.91

small, light, slim, slender, thin...

as you all can tell. i'm not very happy with myself. i've gained back a LB. and i really don't want to get into details concerning it. just assume it has to do with drinking wine and eating too much all the damn time cuz i'm fucking hungry. well screw it all. blah blah blah.

I WILL BE 110 in two weeks goddammit. I WILL BE 100 by APRIL! ARG!

today is a 200 cal day. so far so good. 1 egg yolk (hard boiled). 1/2 a nectarine. total so far = 84 cals.

I CAN DO THIS! i will drop this weight! i will be small, light, slim, slender, thin.... THIS SUCKS! BAH!!

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 118 LBS
BMI - 20.25

Afternoon EDIT: current time. 1:37pm eastern. lunch with my daughter. 1 egg yolk (hard boiled). baby spinach and tomato salad with a little balsamic. heavily diluted chicken broth. 1 sugar free redbull. green/ginseng tea. added to my previous allotment, total calorie intake so far = 188 cals.

now i know i'm cutting it close. so i've decided (in order not to fail completely and feel like a loser therefore giving in and binging like a gluttonous idiot) that i'm changing my 2468 plan to a revised 3579 plan. i think one more allowance of 100 today will help me get through dinner without freaking out with shame. since back in january i've been having trouble with my 200 days... so, this seems like a logical solution in order to keep MIA monster down.

any comments, feedback, whatever is definitely appreciated with this. PLEASE! okay thanks.

Evening EDIT: current time. 5:49 pm eastern. dinner with my daughter and mother-in-law. 1oz breaded pork chop (lean, oven baked). baby spinach and tomato salad with a little balsamic. green/ginseng tea. added to my previous allotment, total calorie intake so far = 278 cals.

that leaves me just enough room for 1 hard candy (cherry jollie rancher) late tonight if i get antsy. i must say i feel good about all this. today has gone much better than expected. as well, i really think my revised 3579 plan will definitely prove more successful for me.