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wicked

wicked
~created by zerofax~

Daily Quotes

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

~Dr.Seuss

Daily Lyrics

Lyrical Excerpt taken from "In the Middle" written, composed, and performed by Jimmy Eats World.

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out
or looked down on
Just try your best,
try everything you can
And don't you worry what they tell themselves
when you're away
It just takes some time
Little girl you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be alright, alright
Hey, you know they're all the same
You know you're doing better on your own,
so don't buy in
Live right now, yeah, just be yourself
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else
It just takes some time
Little girl you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be alright

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

this is always happening...

times have changed. time has passed. quicker than i can understand or realize. i'm tired. i'm fat. i'm crazy. my son is 2 and my daughter is almost 7. i have been a slacker in regards to food and weight loss. i need more discipline. today. today i start. today i have only had 700 cals. still a lot. most of it from wine. which is my ultimate downfall here. ever since i began drinking like this, my weight has continued to explode. bleh. but today... it begins. i ordered these bathing suits and they came today. i cannot even get them over my thighs. it frightens me. i have to fix this. and fix this i will.


2-4-6-8 diet begins with a liquid fast weekly. i am insane. and i will be thin. again. i will be slim. soon. it will happen. if it means death. it will happen.


age -34
height - 5'4
weight - 145 LBS
BMI - 24.89

Saturday, January 19, 2013

new and neverending

i've been missing. so busy. damn. i have two children now. being preggers made me sooooooo fat. and fucked up. i shall never be as thin as i used to be. its funny. how much i wish i was like i used to be. when back then. i hated the way i looked. ironic. stupid. simply me.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

still preggo and much larger

okie. i'm 140 LBS. this is both good and bad news. good bcuz I have only really gained 2 LBS since i first found out about the baby. bad bcuz i'm a cow.

i've been healthy. eating all the food groups. taking my vitamins. doing all the things a good mother is expected to do.

i know that this is the time when i will be gaining quickly. the baby will be doing the most growth and my body will insist on more calories. extensive amounts to be exact.

3 more months. January. February. March. then baby. then nursing. then maybe i will be able to shed this weight. however, during the nursing i will have to consume massive amounts of calories in order to make milk.

i'm hoping that once the summer has come and gone, that i will be able to get back on a more motivating food plan. something that will burn calories quicker and then i will be able to consume less as well.

i want to be back to 100, but i know its a far stretch. there's a good chance that i could be 150 before this baby comes out.

anywho......... i'm sure that everyone or anyone who reads this thinks i'm a monster and that i am worthless and shouldn't be procreating. that my daughter and my new son are both doomed to insanity bcuz their mother is obviously insane.

well... i try my best. i go out of my way to make sure my daughter is loved and that she has what she needs, as well as wants. i want the best for my kids. my obvious sickness doesn't change my love for my children. this has been a very long fight for me. up and down the scale. on and off the ED roller coaster. and this is my personal struggle. it isn't for my kids. and i have and will do everything to keep it away from them.


age - 31
height - 5'4
weight - 140 LBS
BMI - 24.03

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

major EPIC fail

been missing (as usual). i know. i know. here's the deal. i was doing good. had dropped to 133. was gonna make this work. kept reminding myself that just last year i was 108-110. was heading to the gym daily. i wanted this so bad. wanted to be 130, then 120, then 110 again. i knew i could do it. I WILL DO THIS THING, i said. damn. WAM! so then..... what happens? damn.

i'm pregnant.

major EPIC fail for my disorder. but definitely a highlight of my so-called "trying to be a normal person" quest. my H and i really wanted a second, especially since my first will be 4 in September. and bcuz, well, we're old and getting older still. and i'm a real teacher with my own classroom and he's *this* close to being done with his school dream thing and blah blah blah. and bcuz i know in my heart i NEED something good and healthy in my life (despite that my fucked up brain believes otherwise).

anywho........ weight-loss must go on hiatus. i must allow myself to become a cow (but will watch my weight gain-- which shouldn't need to be over 25 lbs) and i will NOT be actively ridiculous with food during pregnancy (like purging or restricting or anything). NOT FAIR for the mini me. actually, i would have to say being preggers with my first was the only time i was ever truly healthy in regards to nutrition. however, i'm off my meds, soooooooooooo i feel like a nut and am anxious about everything. but i was able to completely quit drinking, quit smoking, and lower my caffeine intake the minute i found out about the baby, which was about a week ago.

now i need to get a nutritionist again. therapist. the works. i'll talk to my OBGYN at my next appointment and things should be a little more "stable" i suppose. i dunno.

a huge part of me is saying this is such a good thing. to be healthy. to have another baby. maybe this is the door opening to permanent healthiness... maybe i can stick to being "normal" this time around. and then.... the darkness creeps in around the edges whispering go fuck yourself, ED will find you when the baby is out. you'll always be crazy. that's just how it is. get used to is. your 31 for christsakes.... accept it already. BAH.

all i know is that right now, at this very moment, i have a little being growing inside me that needs to be protected... so if it takes being pregnant for me to grab courage and be healthy, then that's what i'm going to do. we'll see what happens later, when we get there....

age -31
height - 5'4
weight - 138LBS
BMI - 23.69

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

I feel like a fat pig. No matter what I do, I keep gaining and getting larger. I hate it. I try to restrict my calories, just like I used to do (so many times before), and I can't stick to it. I always end up binging like crazy at night, when my husband is home, and then therefore cannot purge. I know I shouldn't purge, but it's the only fall back I ever had if I slipped up... in which I have been an enormous amount of late.

It drives me crazy that just last year, exact date, I was 109 lbs. And now... I'm disgusting.

I need to get back on the 2-4 6-8 diet I did in the past. It worked so damn well then. BAH! I need it to work again. Or else I'm gonna lose my mind.





age - 31
height - 5'4
weight - 135 LBS
BMI - 23.17

Saturday, July 9, 2011

5 more pounds and i will be at my first goal. this is taking way too long this time around. it seems as though i have lost my ability to lose weight quickly at will. i believe it is mainly because i have breached my thirties. being that my birthday just passed and i have officially become an old bitty. 31 is too much for me. the only good thing that has accompanied my aging is libido (which has, until only recently, been completely non-existent for the last 5 years). only now, i can't seem to be satiated what-so-ever. i know. i know. tmi. well screw you. this is my zany blog. thank you very much.

whoever you may be. which you probably aren't. anyway.....

i am extremely bulbous. my ass has spread out in a very bad way. i need to get back on the ball. haven't been to the gym in a week. BAH!

school starts in a month or so. and then this losing thing will be even harder due to the fact that teaching overtakes all of my senses and will.

i'm ranting. rambling. and making no sense. as usual.

i wish i had something of interest to tell the world, yet unfortunately my life is boring and mild. i have been purging occasionally, but nothing to do any good. my H is around too often and he is currently dead set against any of my ED antics. well, other then heading to the gym.

when he lost his job prior to the beginning of summer, he spent so much time at the gym that he has gotten unbelievably hotter. or... it's the age thing. there have been studies on how women reach their sexual peak in their thirities. maybe it is actually happening to me now. whatever it is, i like it.





age - 31
height - 5'4
weight - 135 LBS
BMI - 23.17

Monday, May 9, 2011

I am teetering on existinction. And yet. I have grown. Much larger. The weight is packing on. And for some reason I cannot control it. I'm at 134 lbs. Its driving me nuts. I want to be back to 120. 110. 100. OMFG. It is absolutely insane how fat I've gotten so quickly. Start teaching and start stressing. Start teaching and start gaining. And not in the positive aspects of the word. "Gaining". BAH! I'm hoping that once this school year is over and I am off for the summer, that I will be able to grab the reigns again and lose this weight. I want to be small again. Thin. Minimal. Fit into my 3s and then maybe even buy some smaller sizes than that. Unfortunately, currently I am unable to even fit into my 7s comfortably. I AM SO MORTIFIED. What am I to do? I know. I know. You think I'm disgusting and vile. I know. It's horrible. Someone please help me lose this fat.

I ate 2,307 cals today. RAR! I used to be able to go all day without eating and now I can't take it. I'm getting old. I'M AN OLD FAT HAG! someone kill me............ please. put me out of my misery. like a lame horse. someone shoot me.








age - 30
height - 5'4
weight - 134 LBS
BMI - 23.69

Books

  • Gaining: the truth about life after eating disorders by Aimee Liu
  • Hunger Point by Jillian Medoff
  • Inside Out: Portrait of an Eating Disorder by Nadia Shivack
  • Looks by Madeleine George
  • Perfect by Natasha Friend
  • Purge by Sarah Darer Littman
  • Skin by Adrienne Maria Vrettos
  • Solitaire by Aimee Liu
  • Stick Figure: A Diary of My Former Self by Lori Gottlieb
  • Zero by Diane Tullson

Movies

  • A Secret Between Friends
  • Dying to be Perfect
  • Dying to be Thin
  • For The Love of Nancy
  • Hunger Point
  • Kate's Secret
  • Killing Us Softly
  • Perfect Body
  • Perfect Illusions
  • Sharing the Secret
  • Slender Existence
  • Superstar: The Karen Carpenter Story
  • The Best Little Girl in the World
  • The Famine Within
  • Thin
  • When Friendship Kills

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