nothing to say. ever. or so it has been. recently.

crazy. life is a bully. and he's kicking my ass.

lost a LB. finally. scale is currently reading 109.8. rounding to 110. thank god. but want to be smaller. of course.

haven't been sticking to my fasts. haven't been counting my calories. trying to cut portions still. unfortunately, i have been purging. frequently. and taking the dreaded laxies. bah.

need more self discipline. as always. need more control.

nothing special to say right now. i need a permanent job. i need my own classroom. i need. i want. i need.

sorry i haven't passed over the sunshine reward i received. sorry i haven't been around. sorry. sorry. sorry.

flake.

loser.

i am those things. times 1 million.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 110 LBS

BMI - 18.88

long one: lots to note, lots to ignore

i know i haven't been around much. my heart just hasn't been in it lately. i'm chronically obsessing about my mother-in-law right now. i've reached the point where i honestly do not give a flying fuck what happens to her. and am feeling like a piece of shit because of it. very selfish of me. heartless. crap. whatever. she needs to GET OUT. i need my privacy. i only have enough room for my own crazy. i can't deal with hers too. i dunno what to do right now. she doesn't bathe. she doesn't help around here. she doesn't work. she doesn't clean. she just takes up space and brought her dog which gave my cats fleas and shits on the floor all the time cuz she never takes her out on walks. and damn, she doesn't do anything. she doesn't even take care of herself. RAR!

also, i've been extremely numb concerning food and weight. love that i can fit in to 2s. still restricting and exercising and purging. hate myself for eating even a little bit. despise myself for tormenting myself over this thin shit when i have a little girl to worry about. a little girl who has fucked up genetic predisposition to ED, depression, addiction, and possibly Bipolar disorder. lovely. i should be trying to create the way to success in life for her, not surround her with eating insanity. good lord. i mean, i know that no matter how much i attempt on hiding these issues from her, she will eventually sense them or stumble across it in some way. parents fuck up kids. no matter what. its just what happens. but I SO DO NOT WANT her to have these issues.

damn i'm a hypocrite.

anyways................... johnstonbee... gave me the sunshine award... in which i really am unsure if i deserve it... and, to be honest, i have no idea what it really means. i promise i will continue it on though. once i get some heart and time. perhaps over the weekend. i'm being flaky and lazy. for that, i apologize. and johnstonbee: THANKS! so much.

furthermore, i'm a fat fucking cow.

no.

really.

on that note. i weighed in today at 110.6. again. i can't budge. and i keep eating. can't seem to stick to a fast. it sucks.

i have no self-control. all i have is justification and excuses. BAH!

i really want to write more. but am uncertain as to what. i feel sick. that i can't write. like i used to. i actually used to pride myself on writing. wanted to be a poet. wanted to be published. since high school i thought writing was everything. and as i got older, i began to suck more and more. and devote less time to it. i've never been one for the rules of writing. always all over the place. free verse. blank verse. whatever you call it. like how i think. all scrambled and fucked up, yet attempting to be poignant. i love that word. poignant. i'm definitely a word girl. HA! word girl. anyways............... if you want ladies (and you haven't already) i have posted some choice pieces that i prefer (ones i wrote myself) here on this blog. further down. you must scroll all the way past my thinspo. the poems will be on the side. some are ED or self-harm oriented. just to let you know. remember now, i had been much younger when i wrote them. and am still very vain. my writing is self-indulgent bull shit. beware. and enjoy (or not).

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 111 LBS

BMI - 19.05

rambling, as usual

old. OLD. i am old. i've come to accept. i am old.

my life has changed. again. and again.

mutated. into something. worse. less palatable.

i cannot live this way. like this. in this. i'm not entirely sure how long i can survive. here. in this place. this forsaken place.

i am a failure. as a woman. as a person. as a mother. as a simple being. living being. what?

i NEED to lose more weight. this weight. i NEED to be 100 by May 1st.

can i do this? will i do this? i want to be 109 by MONDAY! can i do this? will i do this? ARG!

i don't want to be surrounded by this never ending guilt. anymore. no more.

my H says to me yesterday. you've lost too much weight. you are losing too much weight.

i said. BS! you have known from the beginning what this is about. we've been together 9 years. 9 YEARS! i have always been honest with you about this shit. and then you bring your fucked up mother here. accompanied by CRAZY! what do you expect from me? this is how i deal! this is how i survive. what do you want from me? seriously?

i just want to scream at the top of my lungs and then... and then... i dunno... kill something.

disturbed, disgraced... whatever....

i make no sense.

my title. makes no sense.

i think i've lost my mind.

anyways.....

haven't budged in the last couple days. in regards to weight, that is. the scale read 110.6 this morning. so, still saying 111 LBS for now. i really want to surpass 110 and go down to 109 right away. i'm crazy. i've been eating like a huge idiot the last two days. plus drinking wine. red wine. Cabernet to be exact. all i can say to that is CALORIE OVERLOAD. bah.

my plan for tomorrow is fast. LIQUID FAST. water. green tea. vitamin water zero. chicken broth (if necessary) and a little bit of Naked Protein Drink (maybe 1/2 a serving if light-headed). i will NOT eat solids tomorrow. NO MATTER WHAT! and i'm making my famous meatloaf and mash, so it will be hard. but if i can do this. then i go SHOPPING! cuz none of my damn clothes fit me. my underwear doesn't fit me. i need to get some xtra small sports bras. only thing that will work now. so. whatever. and i need size 2 jeans. thank the goddess. FINALLY!

let me breathe a sigh of relief. i love being small. and i can get smaller. i know it.

i still can't quite believe that in January i was 130. i am so glad i'm not anymore. and can't wait to be 100. being that i'm 5'4, this is awesome for me.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 111 LBS

BMI - 19.05

untitled BS

stepped on the scale this morn. prior to getting in the shower. and getting ready for work. at 6:00am. weighing in at 110.2 LBS. very nice. i must say i am pleased. hopefully i can keep this up. it read 111 even when i got home. but i'm good with that. still smaller than yesterday. i usually round up any way unless the number shown is even.

so i'm officially saying out loud - - - - - 111 today. hoping tomorrow the scale will read 110 even. damn. only 10 more LBS until my ultimate goal. hell yes.

now if i could only control my moods like i control my food intake. then life would be grand. would it not, ladies?

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 111

BMI - 19.05

not much to say

discouraged. tired. wordless. haven't been able to fast longer than 24 hours. always breaking at dinner. with my family. for multiple reasons. hungry. guilty. worried about my girl seeing me like this.

but. i stepped on the scale just a minute ago. says 111.4. a little better. more towards my goal. slowly. yet getting there. rounding to 112 for today. didn't eat all day until dinner.

working again tomorrow. won't eat all day until dinner again.

i'm losing. but while i lose. i lose hope. not all peaches. and cream.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 112 LBS

BMI - 19.22

spring break / easter / slash getting fat

i've been out of town. visiting with family. close family. family that are well aware of my issues with food. see.... my history... in the past.... when i was 16 and 17, i was hospitalized for cocaine addiction and ED. this was back in 1996, prior to the label addition of EDNOS to the DSM book in 2000. anywho, i had (still have) tendencies towards both. although the cocaine was only a symptom, i only did it so i wouldn't be hungry. believe me. it was more about being thin, than being high... although that was a nice added bonus at the time consider the crap i was dealing with as a teenager.

welps, so long story short, i had to tread carefully while away and around these family members of mine. and i gained 2 LBS back. BAH!

my scale is currently reading 112.6. so of course i round back up to 113. i have been liquid fasting all day today, so far so good. all i've had is some chicken broth (20 cals), 1/2 Naked Protein serving (110 cals), and a 8.4 oz sugar free red bull (10 cals). i am extremely nervous today. and NOT eating has been a simple thing because of it. i want to be 100 by may 1st so damn bad. yet i'm not sure how i will be able to accomplish that being the date today. not without cutting off a limb or something (just kidding).

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 113

BMI - 19.4