arbitrary life of nonsense: something other than eating

Daily Lyrics

Lyrical Excerpt taken from "In the Middle" written, composed, and performed by Jimmy Eats World.

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out
or looked down on
Just try your best,
try everything you can
And don't you worry what they tell themselves
when you're away
It just takes some time
Little girl you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be alright, alright
Hey, you know they're all the same
You know you're doing better on your own,
so don't buy in
Live right now, yeah, just be yourself
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else
It just takes some time
Little girl you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be alright

Saturday, January 17, 2009

something other than eating

i used to be able to write. i used to have words. i miss the dreams. i miss the thoughts. i've realized recently that being hungry makes me think more. it makes me delve into my inner spirit.

blah,

being a mother is mind blowing. i see her smiles. i feel her embraces. she laughs. and squeals with joy. and hugs me so tight. it is unlike anything i have ever experienced before. it makes being hungry difficult for me.

during her meals and snacks, she has begun attempting to feed me like i do for her. she tries to put food in my mouth. chicken nuggets. fruit. whatever. its hard. cuz i want to eat for her. so she doesn't have the issues i have. i don't want her to see me restricting. i don't want her seeing me cry over food.

i've been throwing up every night now. whenever i eat anything after 5:30, i throw it up, even if i didn't binge. i don't want calorie intake after five.

i only ate 800 calories today. thats good. considering i'm more of a bulimic than an anorexic, always have been even back in the day.

age - 28
height - 5'4
weight - 121 LBS
BMI - 20.77

4 comments:

SmallerSide said...: Thanks for the comment- your words meant a lot to me. I understand how it feels to hate food- and i'm the same way you are after a certain point at night, i don't let anything stay in my system.
What you said about your daughter was beautiful though. My husband and I are tyring to get pregnant now. Do you mind if I ask how it was being pregnant with an ed? That's something I'm more worried about than anything.; January 16, 2010 at 7:16 PM
ominous loss said...: Well, I had been in "recovery" for almost 5 years. Hadn't dieted or binged/purged in 5 years when I found out I was pregnant. I was so worried about the baby, I somehow made myself "eat right" for her. I followed nutrition plans and saw a therapist the whole time. I was very baby oriented at the time. I was so preoccupied with the fact that there was a human being inside me, that I never really thought about how much weight I gained. I tried to stay active throughout the whole pregnancy. I walked (pleasurable pace) twice a day. I read a lot of baby literature and tried to "get out of myself" and focus on the baby instead. I was a little baby obsessed. But it helped me get out of my ED (self) obsession. I didn't start having ED problems again until after she was born and I was attempting to lose the weight I had gained. I actually obsessed over breast feeding because one single feeding burned up to 1000 calories in like 10 minutes. I think that's when I got back into all the fasting and restricting. My boobs were enormous and I wasn't sleeping much. It was hard. I would have to say getting older puts things into a strange perspective and then I look at my daughter and I don't want to influence her in this direction but I hate the way I look so much that I become selfish about being thin. Its funny. I know what I think and do about food is wrong, but as long as she isn't in my uterus anymore it's okay for me to destroy myself. Recently, I've started dieting again and its gotten crazy. I've been secretly wishing I was pregnant again so that I would worry about the child inside me more than my need to be thing. Its horrible. I feel insane.; January 17, 2010 at 10:42 PM
SmallerSide said...: Thanks for the reply, it means a lot. I've been totally and completly baby crazy for some time now. We've been married for 4+ years and I've always wanted children. I was in a recovery state for the first 3 years, but gained a lot of weight and, well, here I am.
I just keep hoping that once I find out I'm pregnant (if it "worked" this month, I'll find out by the 1st of Feb) that my ED thoughts will go away to focus on the baby. I really really want that.; January 20, 2010 at 2:16 AM
ominous loss said...: what i suggest (if you are pregnant or when you get pregnant) is to please get a nutrionist and a therapist to help you with the whole "ideal eating" so that the baby benefits. it is sooooooooooo hard to do it on your own, believe me.; January 21, 2010 at 2:19 PM

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Poetry and Lyrics

Anorexic
by Eavan Boland

Flesh is heretic.
My body is a witch.
I am burning it.

Yes I am torching
her curves and paps and wiles.
They scorch in my self denials.

How she meshed my head
in the half-truths
of her fevers

till I renounced
milk and honey
and the taste of lunch.

I vomited
her hungers.
Now the bitch is burning.

I am starved and curveless.
I am skin and bone.
She has learned her lesson.

Thin as a rib
I turn in sleep.
My dreams probe

a claustrophobia
a sensuous enclosure.
How warm it was and wide

once by a warm drum,
once by the song of his breath
and in his sleeping side.

Only a little more,
only a few more days
sinless, foodless,

I will slip
back into him again
as if I had never been away.

Caged so
I will grow
angular and holy

past pain,
keeping his heart
such company

as will make me forget
in a small space
the fall

into forked dark,
into python needs
heaving to hips and breasts
and lips and heat
and sweat and fat and greed.

Girl Disappearing Lyrics
by Tori Amos

7 am
So it beings again
1-0 (zip) favoring familiar silhouettes
Left whips and chains
behind I'm boycotting trends
it's my new look this season

Riding on backs of palominos
Primed for an attack
It's as good
as good as it gets
With girl disappearing
What on earth's occurring?'
cause she's right in front of me

a girl disappearing
to some secret prison
behind her eyes she whispers
"Big surprise there was
no protection by this urban light
so I'm running to
a constellation
where they can still see you"

Envy can spread
herself so thinly
She slipped in
before I could notice it

In my own war
Blood in the cherry zone
when they
Pit woman against feminist

Riding on backs of palominos
Ditching the blond shell
Working her hell
on that red carpet

With girl disappearing
What on earth's occurring?
'cause she's right in front of me

a girl disappearing
to some secret prison
but she's right in front of me
a girl disappearing
to some secret prison
behind her eyes she whispers
"Big surprise there was
no protection by this urban light
so I'm running to
a constellation

where they can still see you"
Then I'm running too
If that's a consolation

'cause I can still see you.

Paper Bag Lyrics
by Fiona Apple

I was staring at the sky
Just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on
Or something like that

I was having a sweet fix
Of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew
Was a hopeless to be had

But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances were
Approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

And I went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb
Looking for a little hope
Baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine,
And a fail to kiss is a fail to cope

And I said, "Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified
Come on put a little love here in my void"
He said, "It's all in your head"
And I said, "So's everything'" but he didn't get it
I thought he was a man but he was just a little boy

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

Hunger hurts, but I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold because these hands are just too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

Oh hunger hurts, but I want him so bad, oh it kills
Because I know that I'm a mess that he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold because these hands are just too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving it works, when it costs too much to love

My Own

These are my own thoughts. My own words. Please DO NOT plagerize. DO NOT copy or use any of these without my permission. Thank you. ~OminousLoss~

distorted image

exploding
fleshy thighs
so secretive
to the knowing mind
this unexplainable reality
please
avert these eyes
from self-inflicted agony
when gorging
on gluttony
beyond
these lips
cry
for shame
of hated bliss
impulsive pleasure
never satisfies
this
a painful purging
to reduce
these hips

ncl 1999.

tattoo
my cheek
with your tears
salty sleek
thighs
smooth eyes
no fears
a prickling sensation
in my ear
as fingertips trace
this prideful structure
of my face
with kissing
wet slippery lips
taste
my throat
the hollow at the center
of my collarbone
i seem
to be leaving
this familiar zone
of pain
brought by you
wrought on me
content
i can never
will ever be

ncl 1999.

depressing
i am regressing
towards pigtails
and tears
they'll come quickly
incessantly
then remain
lingering
in the dark
corners
of my eyes
stinging
empty existence
typical
daily routine
so be kind
and an absolute
ever constant
part of my life

ncl 1999.

i am
but an insignificant
feast for all
something to devour
tearing teeth
into these pale lips
picked apart
with greedy fingertips
return each hour
after they digest
my damaged heart
like sweet meat
to satisfy
their hungry bowels
dying
so slowly
each day
left lonely
and broken pieces
on their plates
just another simple sacrifice
for their sakes

ncl 2000.

torn
delicate skin
cut relentlessly
to let you in
sticky red
blood
pooling bubbles
drip
smeared across
degradation
as an attempt
to get away
from this
without feeling sick

ncl 2000.

beauty fills
this void
that kills
me
fear depletes
and i am weak
nothing is left
you simply defeat
me
let me correct
you
so you'll understand
me
i am insane
i cannot stand
you
tormenting me
until i am unpretty

ncl 2001.

my razor sharp edge
will split skin
sliding over
sweet delicate flesh
sickly pale
against the thick
black blood
that pools within
wounds
ive generously created
while quietly etching stories of life
eternally hated

ncl 2001.

i'm tired all the time and fatigue is a general thing for me.
i'm hungry all the time and gorging is a general thing for me.

ncl 2003.

pointless existence
i must resist this
urge to disappear
and shrink away
i'm nothing here
but waisted air
taking
up space
with a disturbing disgrace

ncl 2003.

i am a conformist
in every aspect of the word
conformist
and yet i am not
for i revolt
against this pain
instead of embrace it
like the others
like you
and that is why i seem so irresponsible
and selfish
cuz i dont want this
or need it
i flee from it
want to get away
ultimately shunning you
and the others
locking myself in solitude
my life seems utterly hopeless

ncl 2004.

yearning to articulate. desires found behind the veil. wanting heart. with shattered soul. apathy and pain prevails. for dreams may come. fears may go. no longer necessary to tell my tale. return to me. sweet peace of mind. break me free. so i'll have time. to live here brightly. in this dark place. help me breathe. so i can escape. frustration which mocks this pale facade. i'm lost. i'm done. it's all a waste.

ncl 2006.

a fascinating
arbitrary life of nonsense
what difference
does it make
whether i'm early
or late
because either way
i'm still afraid
of wandering this place
i hate
in sadness
and in pain
what a disgrace
i seem to be
i've lost all faith
and simply must escape
this fake
existence
this distance
between me
overtaking real life
and living things
worth living

ncl 2006.

separation of thoughts. and dreams. what seems real. or made up. compared to fantasy. these things. intermingled. become one. and the same. they intertwine. within my mind. i cannot decipher needs. from wants. and often confuse myself. concerning the importance of every day events. occurring in this life. of mine. i cannot find a happy medium. in order to experience relief or peace. at this time.

ncl 2006.

the complexity of this faulty existence overwhelms the naïve. and the ignorant. innocents wander the fractured surface. of this horrible place. destruction and greed swells. and grows abundant here. replacing grass. and trees. and air. suffocating us all until we choke. sputtering to breathe. blinded by lies. encouraged by an unforgiving faith. in an untrue religion labeled self-indulgence. material desire fuels all corporate gain. dream a life of love. and family. empty your pockets to the poor. and unhealthy. tread through uncharted waters. disregard the norm. come together. work as one. open your eyes. in order to survive. luxury equals false happiness. america will fall due to the decadent rich. and the over-productivity of technology. via laziness. and corporate capitalism.

ncl 2006.

trivial uncertainties exist. reflected within innocent eyes. like fractured glass. this heart will break. with regret. i try to change. this part of me. yet unfortunately cannot. and am left. feeling ill at ease. for the suffering which follows. is difficult to bear. influencing rage. suppressed by anxiety ridden formalities. an every day reality. and this agony begins. with self-awareness. in retrospect. i am quite unforgiving. for i cannot stand. to be on the side lines. of this life. we call living. recognition. and fame. we call dreaming. playing. the games. not worth winning. i'm lost. in myself. for you all are to blame. i do not belong. here. in this place. and i've been framed. called abnormal. because i do not follow. the steps. you beckon me. to follow. when in truth it is you. who are wrong. creating chaos. within pop-culture. i'm the one who is strong. and that is why. we will never get along.

ncl 2006

reality splits. in two. separating itself. from me. and you. infecting me. with shattered ideas. of what this life should really be. destroying what little sanity. i have left. and here i am. obsessing. over lost memories. long forgotten. by everyone else. now no longer present. and i wish. this emptiness within. would fill with peace. yet its always the same. and my fucked-up head. spills with filth. which corrupts. the ones i love. extinguishing the light. in them instead.

ncl 2006.

in this world of desperation. and disgust. i am blinded. by the simple fear of living. and it seems useless to me. even to try. conforming to society’s constructs. of what is wrong. or right. i’m lost in the dark. confused and used. gazing out of a long tunnel. where i see no light to lead the way. and so the insanity creeps in. luring me away. into a haze like state. corrupted. by dishonesty. and fate. for their selfishness prevails. and i am always too late. their minds have been made. they cannot be swayed. to release the poisonous hate. and allow peace to remain. there is no full proof path. to perfection. this is an impossible quest. in my eyes. there is only self-deception. as well as unbearable tension. tying my bowels into knots. and i have this insatiable hunger. for undeserving desires. yet lack the ambition. to achieve them. and all that is left. is sacrifice.

ncl 2006.

dark clouds descend. over this weakened facade. i am poisoned. by these thoughts. made broken. no longer up to par. by your standards. delusional. as life continues to suffocate. my wandering spirit. screaming. repetitious musings. magnified in ink. marring the surface. drafting insult without significance. meaning nothing. and for some reason. i'm still here. drowning. in my own tears. fighting. for breath. i'm losing. depth. bereft. arms flailing. i'm falling. glorifying death.

ncl 2006.

there is no winning here. for useless desire overcomes mere common sense. in heart and soul. i am truly alone. and should, therefore, appear so. however, my mask is too convincing. and to the public eye. these smiles are brightening. as i linger here. to be with you. for no reason other than to fulfill these lies. of who you need me to be. an urge within tells me to leave. to flee this world. and escape the false happiness you swear by every day. i know its fake. this isn't real. no joy lies within me. or you. its all a misrepresentation. of forsaken hopes. and foiled dreams. something you may never completely understand. for i am wild. and you are ignorant of my needs. i sit idly here. a word or two in vain. wishing for your clueless eyes to ignite with truth. i am not certain how long i can wait. there are places i shall see. with or with out you. i will be free. of explaining myself to you. of my endless pleading for action. and as these tears cease. we will part ways. sooner rather than later. if the choice is left up to me. trying and doing will mean two separate things. and i will be doing something else. somewhere else. while you hang out. in the same old place. trying the same old things.

what really bothers me. is how much time i've given to you. begging for change. crying for understanding. over and over again. telling you what it is i truly need from you. and again and again. i have been denied. it becomes disconcerting. constant failure. i see nothing else to hold on to. as you walk away. turn away. hiding the truth. saying you listen and yet you don't. what would you have me do? just sit here. with this sadness in my gut. tearing me apart. constantly being let down by you. hoping tomorrow will be different. thinking maybe, just maybe... if i wait a little longer... the passion and excitement will return. where are you right now? ignoring me. ignoring this. i'm wrong. you're right. isn't that what you think? i shouldn't ever feel these things. i shouldn't ever feel this way. i shouldn't want for anything. i should be pale and blank faced. never speak a word. never want for anything. as i sit here. crying. you think. over nothing. its nothing. always nothing. but in reality. you neglect this. neglect. what a beautiful term. meaning a carelessness to improve. you fail to recognize what this has turned into. and i promise that the bitterness will only grow. the longer you disregard what it is i've been screaming. there is only so much i can do before i simply fall to my knees and give in.

ncl 2006

i can dream away reality. and the monotony of each and every day. as it passes me. i can sleep forever. hope for change. yet nothing gets done. and soon these aspirations will fade. no longer me. but just a shell of someone i used to be. forgetting how hard it was to become something more. than what they all were willing to see. a blatant disregard for better things. you see... the grass is always greener. over there. far from me. the lights brighter. the smiles wider. no satisfaction. their teeth seem whiter. i'm buried here. head barely above the water. or is it ground? the dirt in my mouth coming from the hole i dug myself. choking me. oh god. i don't even want to wonder. anymore. what is it all for? a continuous circle of the same old plans. repeating on an endless cycle. once around. twice abound. third time something new is found. yet thrown aside to take another turn. working towards perfection. yet getting absolutely nothing in return. and so here we go. falling to our knees. crying. screaming. back to the beginning. and then i sigh. sleepy eyes going dry. i can dream this away. i say. just stay the same. wishing for unreality. and perhaps something new. another day.

ncl 2007.

i visualize
the light
breaking
through the blackness
in which overwhelms me
yet it only appears brighter down the road
during the cessation of this mortal existence
and so i retreat
into darkness
hiding
behind the lies of society
in order to succeed
in their world
this isn't reality
only a ridiculous mirage
meant to subdue
the pretentious appetites
that reside here
during a faulty fragment
in time

ncl 2009.

growth dispels all reality
and yet we need it
in order to survive
here
in the real world
we must change
twist
become something different
and possibly new
although we find ourselves confused
and lost
at the end
ready to die
without true memory
and full of regret

ncl 2009.

arbitrary life of nonsense

wicked

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Saturday, January 17, 2009

something other than eating

4 comments:

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