I am teetering on existinction. And yet. I have grown. Much larger. The weight is packing on. And for some reason I cannot control it. I'm at 134 lbs. Its driving me nuts. I want to be back to 120. 110. 100. OMFG. It is absolutely insane how fat I've gotten so quickly. Start teaching and start stressing. Start teaching and start gaining. And not in the positive aspects of the word. "Gaining". BAH! I'm hoping that once this school year is over and I am off for the summer, that I will be able to grab the reigns again and lose this weight. I want to be small again. Thin. Minimal. Fit into my 3s and then maybe even buy some smaller sizes than that. Unfortunately, currently I am unable to even fit into my 7s comfortably. I AM SO MORTIFIED. What am I to do? I know. I know. You think I'm disgusting and vile. I know. It's horrible. Someone please help me lose this fat.

I ate 2,307 cals today. RAR! I used to be able to go all day without eating and now I can't take it. I'm getting old. I'M AN OLD FAT HAG! someone kill me............ please. put me out of my misery. like a lame horse. someone shoot me.

age - 30
height - 5'4
weight - 134 LBS
BMI - 23.69

random complaints

i want to be thin. again. grass is greener. always. i was 20 lbs lighter. last year. wtf. what can i do? to get back on track? what................ i just want to scream. i can't believe how stupid i've been. how FUCKING FAT i've become. i'm balling right now.

age - 30
height - 5'4
weight - 130 LBS
BMI - 22.31

disgusting disappointment COW

okay. i've been mia. HAHA. M I A. not what you think. actually gone. off the charts. FOR A LONG ASS TIME. got myself a job. a real job. teaching. making NO MONEY whatsoever. and getting FAT. GOD DAMN FAT. so many times along the way, i've tried to check myself. but OMIFG. i have gotten way out of control. pushing 130 LBS now. i know. its horrible. i just want to scream. its disgusting. i'm disgusting. just a year ago i was 108. what the hell happened. fat and happy. fat and happy. HELL NO!

okay. alright. i need to figure something out. and quick. went to the pool today and was like HOLY FUCKING SHIT. i've got to do SOMETHING. but i'm so damn tired. and so damn old. and a teacher. a real fucking teacher. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

you think "teacher". aren't they supposed to... teach... right... things? aren't they all that is "good"? aren't they sweet and perfect? teachers aren't bulimic EDNOS psychosis. BHAHAHAHAHA! you have no clue.

so... i'm nuts. pushing 31. and am 130 LBS! WTF. HELP!

HELP!

back to the grind my beauties. back to the fucked up grind.

GOAL #1 - drop 10 lbs in less than a month. I CAN DO THIS! i lost twenty in two monts, I can lose 10 in one.

GOAL#2 - FIT IN MY size 3s by my 31st BIRTHDAY (i'm an old fat cow hag HAG!).

i'm a little inebriated at the moment. i apologize if i sound a bit savage. excuse the indelicacies.

age - 30
height - 5'4
weight - 130 LBS
BMI - 22.31

i'm back.......... and i'm a horse.

went crazy for a while. lots went on. lots of crazy. more than usual. now i'm back at 116.

missing, as usual, and extremely indifferent

first and foremost, let me apologize to those who possibly care (as if) for not committing more of myself to this blog. i've been overly preoccupied (as usual) with finding a permanent job and with not being an obscene jerk of a mommy to my little girl. i've been focusing A LOT of my time on my daughter and making her smile. its very important to me. as well, we are deathly poor at the moment and i have been working my tail off sub-ing (as well attempting to find my own classroom for next year).

haven't been really paying attention to my calorie intake, however i have been restricting and FINALLY going to gym (cuz its finally open, THANK THE GODDESS)! but i've been trying to NOT focus so much on how much i'm eating.... more like on what i am eating. if that makes since. i dunno. i'm lying to myself. i have no plan right now. whatsoever. and some days i don't eat anything. then other days i binge and purge. and then other days i'm restricting. makes no sense. i'm just all over the place. but for some reason. i'm still losing. which is nice. i guess.

i know. you're all thinking. excuses. excuses. you need more self control. you need more discipline. you need a plan. you need consequences. fucking flake. whatever.

anywho, i promised myself i would devote more time to this due to the specific fact I NEED the outlet. sincerely. cuz i'm getting crazier and crazier by the day due to my weight loss.

i am currently (and finally) 108 LBS. went on the scale and was like HELL NO! or was it HELL YES! ha ha. so.......... blah.....

one more LB and i'm officially underweight for my height. which is good for my disorder. and bad for my common sense. but fuck it.

anywho. my UGW is 100 even. was hoping to be there by now. but i guess slow steady always wins the race (or so the tortoise declares) and i should be patient. or at least satisfied for my success so far, no matter how small.

btw, i miss u all and hope u r all doing well. and please, give me the benefit of the doubt for not being a better blog-friend. cuz. well. i really do suck ass for being so self-absorbed/self-preoccupied but i am a good person. well. most of the time.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 108 LBS

BMI - 18.54

nothing to say. ever. or so it has been. recently.

crazy. life is a bully. and he's kicking my ass.

lost a LB. finally. scale is currently reading 109.8. rounding to 110. thank god. but want to be smaller. of course.

haven't been sticking to my fasts. haven't been counting my calories. trying to cut portions still. unfortunately, i have been purging. frequently. and taking the dreaded laxies. bah.

need more self discipline. as always. need more control.

nothing special to say right now. i need a permanent job. i need my own classroom. i need. i want. i need.

sorry i haven't passed over the sunshine reward i received. sorry i haven't been around. sorry. sorry. sorry.

flake.

loser.

i am those things. times 1 million.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 110 LBS

BMI - 18.88

long one: lots to note, lots to ignore

i know i haven't been around much. my heart just hasn't been in it lately. i'm chronically obsessing about my mother-in-law right now. i've reached the point where i honestly do not give a flying fuck what happens to her. and am feeling like a piece of shit because of it. very selfish of me. heartless. crap. whatever. she needs to GET OUT. i need my privacy. i only have enough room for my own crazy. i can't deal with hers too. i dunno what to do right now. she doesn't bathe. she doesn't help around here. she doesn't work. she doesn't clean. she just takes up space and brought her dog which gave my cats fleas and shits on the floor all the time cuz she never takes her out on walks. and damn, she doesn't do anything. she doesn't even take care of herself. RAR!

also, i've been extremely numb concerning food and weight. love that i can fit in to 2s. still restricting and exercising and purging. hate myself for eating even a little bit. despise myself for tormenting myself over this thin shit when i have a little girl to worry about. a little girl who has fucked up genetic predisposition to ED, depression, addiction, and possibly Bipolar disorder. lovely. i should be trying to create the way to success in life for her, not surround her with eating insanity. good lord. i mean, i know that no matter how much i attempt on hiding these issues from her, she will eventually sense them or stumble across it in some way. parents fuck up kids. no matter what. its just what happens. but I SO DO NOT WANT her to have these issues.

damn i'm a hypocrite.

anyways................... johnstonbee... gave me the sunshine award... in which i really am unsure if i deserve it... and, to be honest, i have no idea what it really means. i promise i will continue it on though. once i get some heart and time. perhaps over the weekend. i'm being flaky and lazy. for that, i apologize. and johnstonbee: THANKS! so much.

furthermore, i'm a fat fucking cow.

no.

really.

on that note. i weighed in today at 110.6. again. i can't budge. and i keep eating. can't seem to stick to a fast. it sucks.

i have no self-control. all i have is justification and excuses. BAH!

i really want to write more. but am uncertain as to what. i feel sick. that i can't write. like i used to. i actually used to pride myself on writing. wanted to be a poet. wanted to be published. since high school i thought writing was everything. and as i got older, i began to suck more and more. and devote less time to it. i've never been one for the rules of writing. always all over the place. free verse. blank verse. whatever you call it. like how i think. all scrambled and fucked up, yet attempting to be poignant. i love that word. poignant. i'm definitely a word girl. HA! word girl. anyways............... if you want ladies (and you haven't already) i have posted some choice pieces that i prefer (ones i wrote myself) here on this blog. further down. you must scroll all the way past my thinspo. the poems will be on the side. some are ED or self-harm oriented. just to let you know. remember now, i had been much younger when i wrote them. and am still very vain. my writing is self-indulgent bull shit. beware. and enjoy (or not).

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 111 LBS

BMI - 19.05