this is always happening...

times have changed. time has passed. quicker than i can understand or realize. i'm tired. i'm fat. i'm crazy. my son is 2 and my daughter is almost 7. i have been a slacker in regards to food and weight loss. i need more discipline. today. today i start. today i have only had 700 cals. still a lot. most of it from wine. which is my ultimate downfall here. ever since i began drinking like this, my weight has continued to explode. bleh. but today... it begins. i ordered these bathing suits and they came today. i cannot even get them over my thighs. it frightens me. i have to fix this. and fix this i will.


2-4-6-8 diet begins with a liquid fast weekly. i am insane. and i will be thin. again. i will be slim. soon. it will happen. if it means death. it will happen.

age -34
height - 5'4
weight - 145 LBS
BMI - 24.89

new and neverending

i've been missing. so busy. damn. i have two children now. being preggers made me sooooooo fat. and fucked up. i shall never be as thin as i used to be. its funny. how much i wish i was like i used to be. when back then. i hated the way i looked. ironic. stupid. simply me.

still preggo and much larger

okie. i'm 140 LBS. this is both good and bad news. good bcuz I have only really gained 2 LBS since i first found out about the baby. bad bcuz i'm a cow.

i've been healthy. eating all the food groups. taking my vitamins. doing all the things a good mother is expected to do.

i know that this is the time when i will be gaining quickly. the baby will be doing the most growth and my body will insist on more calories. extensive amounts to be exact.

3 more months. January. February. March. then baby. then nursing. then maybe i will be able to shed this weight. however, during the nursing i will have to consume massive amounts of calories in order to make milk.

i'm hoping that once the summer has come and gone, that i will be able to get back on a more motivating food plan. something that will burn calories quicker and then i will be able to consume less as well.

i want to be back to 100, but i know its a far stretch. there's a good chance that i could be 150 before this baby comes out.

anywho......... i'm sure that everyone or anyone who reads this thinks i'm a monster and that i am worthless and shouldn't be procreating. that my daughter and my new son are both doomed to insanity bcuz their mother is obviously insane.

well... i try my best. i go out of my way to make sure my daughter is loved and that she has what she needs, as well as wants. i want the best for my kids. my obvious sickness doesn't change my love for my children. this has been a very long fight for me. up and down the scale. on and off the ED roller coaster. and this is my personal struggle. it isn't for my kids. and i have and will do everything to keep it away from them.

age - 31
height - 5'4
weight - 140 LBS
BMI - 24.03

major EPIC fail

been missing (as usual). i know. i know. here's the deal. i was doing good. had dropped to 133. was gonna make this work. kept reminding myself that just last year i was 108-110. was heading to the gym daily. i wanted this so bad. wanted to be 130, then 120, then 110 again. i knew i could do it. I WILL DO THIS THING, i said. damn. WAM! so then..... what happens? damn.

i'm pregnant.

major EPIC fail for my disorder. but definitely a highlight of my so-called "trying to be a normal person" quest. my H and i really wanted a second, especially since my first will be 4 in September. and bcuz, well, we're old and getting older still. and i'm a real teacher with my own classroom and he's *this* close to being done with his school dream thing and blah blah blah. and bcuz i know in my heart i NEED something good and healthy in my life (despite that my fucked up brain believes otherwise).

anywho........ weight-loss must go on hiatus. i must allow myself to become a cow (but will watch my weight gain-- which shouldn't need to be over 25 lbs) and i will NOT be actively ridiculous with food during pregnancy (like purging or restricting or anything). NOT FAIR for the mini me. actually, i would have to say being preggers with my first was the only time i was ever truly healthy in regards to nutrition. however, i'm off my meds, soooooooooooo i feel like a nut and am anxious about everything. but i was able to completely quit drinking, quit smoking, and lower my caffeine intake the minute i found out about the baby, which was about a week ago.

now i need to get a nutritionist again. therapist. the works. i'll talk to my OBGYN at my next appointment and things should be a little more "stable" i suppose. i dunno.

a huge part of me is saying this is such a good thing. to be healthy. to have another baby. maybe this is the door opening to permanent healthiness... maybe i can stick to being "normal" this time around. and then.... the darkness creeps in around the edges whispering go fuck yourself, ED will find you when the baby is out. you'll always be crazy. that's just how it is. get used to is. your 31 for christsakes.... accept it already. BAH.

all i know is that right now, at this very moment, i have a little being growing inside me that needs to be protected... so if it takes being pregnant for me to grab courage and be healthy, then that's what i'm going to do. we'll see what happens later, when we get there....

age -31
height - 5'4
weight - 138LBS
BMI - 23.69

I feel like a fat pig. No matter what I do, I keep gaining and getting larger. I hate it. I try to restrict my calories, just like I used to do (so many times before), and I can't stick to it. I always end up binging like crazy at night, when my husband is home, and then therefore cannot purge. I know I shouldn't purge, but it's the only fall back I ever had if I slipped up... in which I have been an enormous amount of late.

It drives me crazy that just last year, exact date, I was 109 lbs. And now... I'm disgusting.

I need to get back on the 2-4 6-8 diet I did in the past. It worked so damn well then. BAH! I need it to work again. Or else I'm gonna lose my mind.

age - 31
height - 5'4
weight - 135 LBS
BMI - 23.17

5 more pounds and i will be at my first goal. this is taking way too long this time around. it seems as though i have lost my ability to lose weight quickly at will. i believe it is mainly because i have breached my thirties. being that my birthday just passed and i have officially become an old bitty. 31 is too much for me. the only good thing that has accompanied my aging is libido (which has, until only recently, been completely non-existent for the last 5 years). only now, i can't seem to be satiated what-so-ever. i know. i know. tmi. well screw you. this is my zany blog. thank you very much.

whoever you may be. which you probably aren't. anyway.....

i am extremely bulbous. my ass has spread out in a very bad way. i need to get back on the ball. haven't been to the gym in a week. BAH!

school starts in a month or so. and then this losing thing will be even harder due to the fact that teaching overtakes all of my senses and will.

i'm ranting. rambling. and making no sense. as usual.

i wish i had something of interest to tell the world, yet unfortunately my life is boring and mild. i have been purging occasionally, but nothing to do any good. my H is around too often and he is currently dead set against any of my ED antics. well, other then heading to the gym.

when he lost his job prior to the beginning of summer, he spent so much time at the gym that he has gotten unbelievably hotter. or... it's the age thing. there have been studies on how women reach their sexual peak in their thirities. maybe it is actually happening to me now. whatever it is, i like it.

age - 31
height - 5'4
weight - 135 LBS
BMI - 23.17

I am teetering on existinction. And yet. I have grown. Much larger. The weight is packing on. And for some reason I cannot control it. I'm at 134 lbs. Its driving me nuts. I want to be back to 120. 110. 100. OMFG. It is absolutely insane how fat I've gotten so quickly. Start teaching and start stressing. Start teaching and start gaining. And not in the positive aspects of the word. "Gaining". BAH! I'm hoping that once this school year is over and I am off for the summer, that I will be able to grab the reigns again and lose this weight. I want to be small again. Thin. Minimal. Fit into my 3s and then maybe even buy some smaller sizes than that. Unfortunately, currently I am unable to even fit into my 7s comfortably. I AM SO MORTIFIED. What am I to do? I know. I know. You think I'm disgusting and vile. I know. It's horrible. Someone please help me lose this fat.

I ate 2,307 cals today. RAR! I used to be able to go all day without eating and now I can't take it. I'm getting old. I'M AN OLD FAT HAG! someone kill me............ please. put me out of my misery. like a lame horse. someone shoot me.

age - 30
height - 5'4
weight - 134 LBS
BMI - 23.69

random complaints

i want to be thin. again. grass is greener. always. i was 20 lbs lighter. last year. wtf. what can i do? to get back on track? what................ i just want to scream. i can't believe how stupid i've been. how FUCKING FAT i've become. i'm balling right now.

age - 30
height - 5'4
weight - 130 LBS
BMI - 22.31

disgusting disappointment COW

okay. i've been mia. HAHA. M I A. not what you think. actually gone. off the charts. FOR A LONG ASS TIME. got myself a job. a real job. teaching. making NO MONEY whatsoever. and getting FAT. GOD DAMN FAT. so many times along the way, i've tried to check myself. but OMIFG. i have gotten way out of control. pushing 130 LBS now. i know. its horrible. i just want to scream. its disgusting. i'm disgusting. just a year ago i was 108. what the hell happened. fat and happy. fat and happy. HELL NO!

okay. alright. i need to figure something out. and quick. went to the pool today and was like HOLY FUCKING SHIT. i've got to do SOMETHING. but i'm so damn tired. and so damn old. and a teacher. a real fucking teacher. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

you think "teacher". aren't they supposed to... teach... right... things? aren't they all that is "good"? aren't they sweet and perfect? teachers aren't bulimic EDNOS psychosis. BHAHAHAHAHA! you have no clue.

so... i'm nuts. pushing 31. and am 130 LBS! WTF. HELP!

HELP!

back to the grind my beauties. back to the fucked up grind.

GOAL #1 - drop 10 lbs in less than a month. I CAN DO THIS! i lost twenty in two monts, I can lose 10 in one.

GOAL#2 - FIT IN MY size 3s by my 31st BIRTHDAY (i'm an old fat cow hag HAG!).

i'm a little inebriated at the moment. i apologize if i sound a bit savage. excuse the indelicacies.

age - 30
height - 5'4
weight - 130 LBS
BMI - 22.31

i'm back.......... and i'm a horse.

went crazy for a while. lots went on. lots of crazy. more than usual. now i'm back at 116.

missing, as usual, and extremely indifferent

first and foremost, let me apologize to those who possibly care (as if) for not committing more of myself to this blog. i've been overly preoccupied (as usual) with finding a permanent job and with not being an obscene jerk of a mommy to my little girl. i've been focusing A LOT of my time on my daughter and making her smile. its very important to me. as well, we are deathly poor at the moment and i have been working my tail off sub-ing (as well attempting to find my own classroom for next year).

haven't been really paying attention to my calorie intake, however i have been restricting and FINALLY going to gym (cuz its finally open, THANK THE GODDESS)! but i've been trying to NOT focus so much on how much i'm eating.... more like on what i am eating. if that makes since. i dunno. i'm lying to myself. i have no plan right now. whatsoever. and some days i don't eat anything. then other days i binge and purge. and then other days i'm restricting. makes no sense. i'm just all over the place. but for some reason. i'm still losing. which is nice. i guess.

i know. you're all thinking. excuses. excuses. you need more self control. you need more discipline. you need a plan. you need consequences. fucking flake. whatever.

anywho, i promised myself i would devote more time to this due to the specific fact I NEED the outlet. sincerely. cuz i'm getting crazier and crazier by the day due to my weight loss.

i am currently (and finally) 108 LBS. went on the scale and was like HELL NO! or was it HELL YES! ha ha. so.......... blah.....

one more LB and i'm officially underweight for my height. which is good for my disorder. and bad for my common sense. but fuck it.

anywho. my UGW is 100 even. was hoping to be there by now. but i guess slow steady always wins the race (or so the tortoise declares) and i should be patient. or at least satisfied for my success so far, no matter how small.

btw, i miss u all and hope u r all doing well. and please, give me the benefit of the doubt for not being a better blog-friend. cuz. well. i really do suck ass for being so self-absorbed/self-preoccupied but i am a good person. well. most of the time.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 108 LBS

BMI - 18.54

nothing to say. ever. or so it has been. recently.

crazy. life is a bully. and he's kicking my ass.

lost a LB. finally. scale is currently reading 109.8. rounding to 110. thank god. but want to be smaller. of course.

haven't been sticking to my fasts. haven't been counting my calories. trying to cut portions still. unfortunately, i have been purging. frequently. and taking the dreaded laxies. bah.

need more self discipline. as always. need more control.

nothing special to say right now. i need a permanent job. i need my own classroom. i need. i want. i need.

sorry i haven't passed over the sunshine reward i received. sorry i haven't been around. sorry. sorry. sorry.

flake.

loser.

i am those things. times 1 million.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 110 LBS

BMI - 18.88

long one: lots to note, lots to ignore

i know i haven't been around much. my heart just hasn't been in it lately. i'm chronically obsessing about my mother-in-law right now. i've reached the point where i honestly do not give a flying fuck what happens to her. and am feeling like a piece of shit because of it. very selfish of me. heartless. crap. whatever. she needs to GET OUT. i need my privacy. i only have enough room for my own crazy. i can't deal with hers too. i dunno what to do right now. she doesn't bathe. she doesn't help around here. she doesn't work. she doesn't clean. she just takes up space and brought her dog which gave my cats fleas and shits on the floor all the time cuz she never takes her out on walks. and damn, she doesn't do anything. she doesn't even take care of herself. RAR!

also, i've been extremely numb concerning food and weight. love that i can fit in to 2s. still restricting and exercising and purging. hate myself for eating even a little bit. despise myself for tormenting myself over this thin shit when i have a little girl to worry about. a little girl who has fucked up genetic predisposition to ED, depression, addiction, and possibly Bipolar disorder. lovely. i should be trying to create the way to success in life for her, not surround her with eating insanity. good lord. i mean, i know that no matter how much i attempt on hiding these issues from her, she will eventually sense them or stumble across it in some way. parents fuck up kids. no matter what. its just what happens. but I SO DO NOT WANT her to have these issues.

damn i'm a hypocrite.

anyways................... johnstonbee... gave me the sunshine award... in which i really am unsure if i deserve it... and, to be honest, i have no idea what it really means. i promise i will continue it on though. once i get some heart and time. perhaps over the weekend. i'm being flaky and lazy. for that, i apologize. and johnstonbee: THANKS! so much.

furthermore, i'm a fat fucking cow.

no.

really.

on that note. i weighed in today at 110.6. again. i can't budge. and i keep eating. can't seem to stick to a fast. it sucks.

i have no self-control. all i have is justification and excuses. BAH!

i really want to write more. but am uncertain as to what. i feel sick. that i can't write. like i used to. i actually used to pride myself on writing. wanted to be a poet. wanted to be published. since high school i thought writing was everything. and as i got older, i began to suck more and more. and devote less time to it. i've never been one for the rules of writing. always all over the place. free verse. blank verse. whatever you call it. like how i think. all scrambled and fucked up, yet attempting to be poignant. i love that word. poignant. i'm definitely a word girl. HA! word girl. anyways............... if you want ladies (and you haven't already) i have posted some choice pieces that i prefer (ones i wrote myself) here on this blog. further down. you must scroll all the way past my thinspo. the poems will be on the side. some are ED or self-harm oriented. just to let you know. remember now, i had been much younger when i wrote them. and am still very vain. my writing is self-indulgent bull shit. beware. and enjoy (or not).

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 111 LBS

BMI - 19.05

rambling, as usual

old. OLD. i am old. i've come to accept. i am old.

my life has changed. again. and again.

mutated. into something. worse. less palatable.

i cannot live this way. like this. in this. i'm not entirely sure how long i can survive. here. in this place. this forsaken place.

i am a failure. as a woman. as a person. as a mother. as a simple being. living being. what?

i NEED to lose more weight. this weight. i NEED to be 100 by May 1st.

can i do this? will i do this? i want to be 109 by MONDAY! can i do this? will i do this? ARG!

i don't want to be surrounded by this never ending guilt. anymore. no more.

my H says to me yesterday. you've lost too much weight. you are losing too much weight.

i said. BS! you have known from the beginning what this is about. we've been together 9 years. 9 YEARS! i have always been honest with you about this shit. and then you bring your fucked up mother here. accompanied by CRAZY! what do you expect from me? this is how i deal! this is how i survive. what do you want from me? seriously?

i just want to scream at the top of my lungs and then... and then... i dunno... kill something.

disturbed, disgraced... whatever....

i make no sense.

my title. makes no sense.

i think i've lost my mind.

anyways.....

haven't budged in the last couple days. in regards to weight, that is. the scale read 110.6 this morning. so, still saying 111 LBS for now. i really want to surpass 110 and go down to 109 right away. i'm crazy. i've been eating like a huge idiot the last two days. plus drinking wine. red wine. Cabernet to be exact. all i can say to that is CALORIE OVERLOAD. bah.

my plan for tomorrow is fast. LIQUID FAST. water. green tea. vitamin water zero. chicken broth (if necessary) and a little bit of Naked Protein Drink (maybe 1/2 a serving if light-headed). i will NOT eat solids tomorrow. NO MATTER WHAT! and i'm making my famous meatloaf and mash, so it will be hard. but if i can do this. then i go SHOPPING! cuz none of my damn clothes fit me. my underwear doesn't fit me. i need to get some xtra small sports bras. only thing that will work now. so. whatever. and i need size 2 jeans. thank the goddess. FINALLY!

let me breathe a sigh of relief. i love being small. and i can get smaller. i know it.

i still can't quite believe that in January i was 130. i am so glad i'm not anymore. and can't wait to be 100. being that i'm 5'4, this is awesome for me.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 111 LBS

BMI - 19.05

untitled BS

stepped on the scale this morn. prior to getting in the shower. and getting ready for work. at 6:00am. weighing in at 110.2 LBS. very nice. i must say i am pleased. hopefully i can keep this up. it read 111 even when i got home. but i'm good with that. still smaller than yesterday. i usually round up any way unless the number shown is even.

so i'm officially saying out loud - - - - - 111 today. hoping tomorrow the scale will read 110 even. damn. only 10 more LBS until my ultimate goal. hell yes.

now if i could only control my moods like i control my food intake. then life would be grand. would it not, ladies?

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 111

BMI - 19.05

not much to say

discouraged. tired. wordless. haven't been able to fast longer than 24 hours. always breaking at dinner. with my family. for multiple reasons. hungry. guilty. worried about my girl seeing me like this.

but. i stepped on the scale just a minute ago. says 111.4. a little better. more towards my goal. slowly. yet getting there. rounding to 112 for today. didn't eat all day until dinner.

working again tomorrow. won't eat all day until dinner again.

i'm losing. but while i lose. i lose hope. not all peaches. and cream.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 112 LBS

BMI - 19.22

spring break / easter / slash getting fat

i've been out of town. visiting with family. close family. family that are well aware of my issues with food. see.... my history... in the past.... when i was 16 and 17, i was hospitalized for cocaine addiction and ED. this was back in 1996, prior to the label addition of EDNOS to the DSM book in 2000. anywho, i had (still have) tendencies towards both. although the cocaine was only a symptom, i only did it so i wouldn't be hungry. believe me. it was more about being thin, than being high... although that was a nice added bonus at the time consider the crap i was dealing with as a teenager.

welps, so long story short, i had to tread carefully while away and around these family members of mine. and i gained 2 LBS back. BAH!

my scale is currently reading 112.6. so of course i round back up to 113. i have been liquid fasting all day today, so far so good. all i've had is some chicken broth (20 cals), 1/2 Naked Protein serving (110 cals), and a 8.4 oz sugar free red bull (10 cals). i am extremely nervous today. and NOT eating has been a simple thing because of it. i want to be 100 by may 1st so damn bad. yet i'm not sure how i will be able to accomplish that being the date today. not without cutting off a limb or something (just kidding).

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 113

BMI - 19.4

indifferent

stepped on the scale this morn. nakeee of course. reading 111.2. much nicer. i'm on the road to 110. hopefully by April 1st. however, tomorrow i'm driving three and a half hours south... so i'll need to eat a good breakfast so i don't get dizzy at the wheel with my girl in the car (scary).

in regards to my attempting to fast. again. today. for the third day in a row. it has been, so far, successful. which makes me super happy. considering my ass couldn't do it the first two times. i don't know why i'm okay today. don't really want to think about it. i'm really numb right now. had a long discussion with my H last night. all about the current "living situation" and the whole SICK ASS SELFISH mother-in-law thing. it kinda drained me. he's drained too. its so damn sad she's doing this to him. and has been doing similar shit his whole life. it makes me physically sick. i almost threw up doing the "talk" and started gagging. this whole thing has been a major trigger for me. its crazy. i mean, don't get me wrong. i know what i do is my own doing. i take total responsibility for my actions and what not. but damn, my weight loss has dropped to almost high school weight. i mean that's crazy. considering i'll be 30 in june. i mean, hey, i love it. but somewhere deep inside i know its not healthy and i know its a big sign of me being sucked into ED. it's funny. ironic. whatever, but i like know all of the things i do in regards to food and weight are wrong. i am heavily aware of the sickness. where as when i was younger, i hadn't a clue. i honestly thought everything was okay. but now.... i mean... i really know. and yet... i still do it.

i'm reading Hunger Point by Jillian Medoff. again. and like an hour ago i came across this one part that totally sums things up for me. here, read on. this is taken from Shelly's diary:

"They ask me what I think of food. I tell them I don't know, but I do. I know everything about it. I feel like I'm at war. It's all about the battle. I am always aware of what I'm doing. I watch myself watch the plate, I watch my hand lift my fork. I watch the mouth that opens like a cunt, the fork that slides in like a dick. That fucks me every time I swallow. I watch every second. I savor it all. The object, however, is to not let them know that you know this. Because if they do, they will take it away. Not the food, of course, but the knowing. Your absolute certainty that you will win. That's the real war, not the food, but the fuck and the desire of that fuck that I can control and deny. That I can destroy. You destroy the hunger, you destroy the desire, you destroy the need, you destroy the girl. The Me. And once I'm gone, what's left to fuck?"

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 112 LBS

BMI - 19.22

thoughtless and unimaginative

i really don't have much to write. i have been extremely stressed and depressed today. due to crappy family stuff here. as usual. of late. bah.

anywho. just stepped on the scale. don't know why, cuz i usually stick to morning weighings. i was actually NOT going to weigh in today bcuz of how horrendous i've been feeling and i didn't want a let down. but, obviously, i ended up giving in and the scale read 111.8. so yay for me. i round up to 112. thank god. now if i can only get to 110 by April 1st, maybe some of the "weight" will be lifted off my shoulders. get it. weight. ha.

last night i binged/purged. again. this time on nachos and then left overs. its becoming a nightly ritual. i won't be surprised if i end up having a coronary some time soon considering i'm a CRONE. and i don't take care of myself.

didn't stick to the fast today. again. i just. i dunno. i have no damn excuses. i just kept snacking. little bits here. little bits there. and then my 1/2 a serving Naked Protein. so i capped at 475 cals and i am currently hungry as hell. but i'm so saddened, i just don't feel like eating. which i guess is a good thing.

wow. this post sucks. well, at least i'm finally 112. two more LBS by April. ten more by May. i need some magic, girls. good magic.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 112 LBS

BMI - 19.22