arbitrary life of nonsense

still preggo and much larger

2011-12-27T20:14:00.002-05:00

okie. i'm 140 LBS. this is both good and bad news. good bcuz I have only really gained 2 LBS since i first found out about the baby. bad bcuz i'm a cow.

i've been healthy. eating all the food groups. taking my vitamins. doing all the things a good mother is expected to do.

i know that this is the time when i will be gaining quickly. the baby will be doing the most growth and my body will insist on more calories. extensive amounts to be exact.

3 more months. January. February. March. then baby. then nursing. then maybe i will be able to shed this weight. however, during the nursing i will have to consume massive amounts of calories in order to make milk.

i'm hoping that once the summer has come and gone, that i will be able to get back on a more motivating food plan. something that will burn calories quicker and then i will be able to consume less as well.

i want to be back to 100, but i know its a far stretch. there's a good chance that i could be 150 before this baby comes out.

anywho......... i'm sure that everyone or anyone who reads this thinks i'm a monster and that i am worthless and shouldn't be procreating. that my daughter and my new son are both doomed to insanity bcuz their mother is obviously insane.

well... i try my best. i go out of my way to make sure my daughter is loved and that she has what she needs, as well as wants. i want the best for my kids. my obvious sickness doesn't change my love for my children. this has been a very long fight for me. up and down the scale. on and off the ED roller coaster. and this is my personal struggle. it isn't for my kids. and i have and will do everything to keep it away from them.

age - 31
height - 5'4
weight - 140 LBS
BMI - 24.03

major EPIC fail

2011-08-03T22:30:00.011-04:00

been missing (as usual). i know. i know. here's the deal. i was doing good. had dropped to 133. was gonna make this work. kept reminding myself that just last year i was 108-110. was heading to the gym daily. i wanted this so bad. wanted to be 130, then 120, then 110 again. i knew i could do it. I WILL DO THIS THING, i said. damn. WAM! so then..... what happens? damn.

i'm pregnant.

major EPIC fail for my disorder. but definitely a highlight of my so-called "trying to be a normal person" quest. my H and i really wanted a second, especially since my first will be 4 in September. and bcuz, well, we're old and getting older still. and i'm a real teacher with my own classroom and he's *this* close to being done with his school dream thing and blah blah blah. and bcuz i know in my heart i NEED something good and healthy in my life (despite that my fucked up brain believes otherwise).

anywho........ weight-loss must go on hiatus. i must allow myself to become a cow (but will watch my weight gain-- which shouldn't need to be over 25 lbs) and i will NOT be actively ridiculous with food during pregnancy (like purging or restricting or anything). NOT FAIR for the mini me. actually, i would have to say being preggers with my first was the only time i was ever truly healthy in regards to nutrition. however, i'm off my meds, soooooooooooo i feel like a nut and am anxious about everything. but i was able to completely quit drinking, quit smoking, and lower my caffeine intake the minute i found out about the baby, which was about a week ago.

now i need to get a nutritionist again. therapist. the works. i'll talk to my OBGYN at my next appointment and things should be a little more "stable" i suppose. i dunno.

a huge part of me is saying this is such a good thing. to be healthy. to have another baby. maybe this is the door opening to permanent healthiness... maybe i can stick to being "normal" this time around. and then.... the darkness creeps in around the edges whispering go fuck yourself, ED will find you when the baby is out. you'll always be crazy. that's just how it is. get used to is. your 31 for christsakes.... accept it already. BAH.

all i know is that right now, at this very moment, i have a little being growing inside me that needs to be protected... so if it takes being pregnant for me to grab courage and be healthy, then that's what i'm going to do. we'll see what happens later, when we get there....

age -31
height - 5'4
weight - 138LBS
BMI - 23.69

2011-07-12T15:39:00.008-04:00

I feel like a fat pig. No matter what I do, I keep gaining and getting larger. I hate it. I try to restrict my calories, just like I used to do (so many times before), and I can't stick to it. I always end up binging like crazy at night, when my husband is home, and then therefore cannot purge. I know I shouldn't purge, but it's the only fall back I ever had if I slipped up... in which I have been an enormous amount of late.

It drives me crazy that just last year, exact date, I was 109 lbs. And now... I'm disgusting.

I need to get back on the 2-4 6-8 diet I did in the past. It worked so damn well then. BAH! I need it to work again. Or else I'm gonna lose my mind.

age - 31
height - 5'4
weight - 135 LBS
BMI - 23.17

2011-07-09T14:02:00.008-04:00

5 more pounds and i will be at my first goal. this is taking way too long this time around. it seems as though i have lost my ability to lose weight quickly at will. i believe it is mainly because i have breached my thirties. being that my birthday just passed and i have officially become an old bitty. 31 is too much for me. the only good thing that has accompanied my aging is libido (which has, until only recently, been completely non-existent for the last 5 years). only now, i can't seem to be satiated what-so-ever. i know. i know. tmi. well screw you. this is my zany blog. thank you very much.

whoever you may be. which you probably aren't. anyway.....

i am extremely bulbous. my ass has spread out in a very bad way. i need to get back on the ball. haven't been to the gym in a week. BAH!

school starts in a month or so. and then this losing thing will be even harder due to the fact that teaching overtakes all of my senses and will.

i'm ranting. rambling. and making no sense. as usual.

i wish i had something of interest to tell the world, yet unfortunately my life is boring and mild. i have been purging occasionally, but nothing to do any good. my H is around too often and he is currently dead set against any of my ED antics. well, other then heading to the gym.

when he lost his job prior to the beginning of summer, he spent so much time at the gym that he has gotten unbelievably hotter. or... it's the age thing. there have been studies on how women reach their sexual peak in their thirities. maybe it is actually happening to me now. whatever it is, i like it.

age - 31
height - 5'4
weight - 135 LBS
BMI - 23.17

2011-05-09T22:24:00.004-04:00

I am teetering on existinction. And yet. I have grown. Much larger. The weight is packing on. And for some reason I cannot control it. I'm at 134 lbs. Its driving me nuts. I want to be back to 120. 110. 100. OMFG. It is absolutely insane how fat I've gotten so quickly. Start teaching and start stressing. Start teaching and start gaining. And not in the positive aspects of the word. "Gaining". BAH! I'm hoping that once this school year is over and I am off for the summer, that I will be able to grab the reigns again and lose this weight. I want to be small again. Thin. Minimal. Fit into my 3s and then maybe even buy some smaller sizes than that. Unfortunately, currently I am unable to even fit into my 7s comfortably. I AM SO MORTIFIED. What am I to do? I know. I know. You think I'm disgusting and vile. I know. It's horrible. Someone please help me lose this fat.

I ate 2,307 cals today. RAR! I used to be able to go all day without eating and now I can't take it. I'm getting old. I'M AN OLD FAT HAG! someone kill me............ please. put me out of my misery. like a lame horse. someone shoot me.

age - 30
height - 5'4
weight - 134 LBS
BMI - 23.69

random complaints

2011-03-19T04:08:00.004-04:00

i want to be thin. again. grass is greener. always. i was 20 lbs lighter. last year. wtf. what can i do? to get back on track? what................ i just want to scream. i can't believe how stupid i've been. how FUCKING FAT i've become. i'm balling right now.

age - 30
height - 5'4
weight - 130 LBS
BMI - 22.31

disgusting disappointment COW

2011-03-16T18:51:00.004-04:00

okay. i've been mia. HAHA. M I A. not what you think. actually gone. off the charts. FOR A LONG ASS TIME. got myself a job. a real job. teaching. making NO MONEY whatsoever. and getting FAT. GOD DAMN FAT. so many times along the way, i've tried to check myself. but OMIFG. i have gotten way out of control. pushing 130 LBS now. i know. its horrible. i just want to scream. its disgusting. i'm disgusting. just a year ago i was 108. what the hell happened. fat and happy. fat and happy. HELL NO!

okay. alright. i need to figure something out. and quick. went to the pool today and was like HOLY FUCKING SHIT. i've got to do SOMETHING. but i'm so damn tired. and so damn old. and a teacher. a real fucking teacher. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

you think "teacher". aren't they supposed to... teach... right... things? aren't they all that is "good"? aren't they sweet and perfect? teachers aren't bulimic EDNOS psychosis. BHAHAHAHAHA! you have no clue.

so... i'm nuts. pushing 31. and am 130 LBS! WTF. HELP!

HELP!

back to the grind my beauties. back to the fucked up grind.

GOAL #1 - drop 10 lbs in less than a month. I CAN DO THIS! i lost twenty in two monts, I can lose 10 in one.

GOAL#2 - FIT IN MY size 3s by my 31st BIRTHDAY (i'm an old fat cow hag HAG!).

i'm a little inebriated at the moment. i apologize if i sound a bit savage. excuse the indelicacies.

age - 30
height - 5'4
weight - 130 LBS
BMI - 22.31

i'm back.......... and i'm a horse.

2010-11-01T22:41:00.002-04:00

went crazy for a while. lots went on. lots of crazy. more than usual. now i'm back at 116.

missing, as usual, and extremely indifferent

2010-05-01T14:31:00.008-04:00

first and foremost, let me apologize to those who possibly care (as if) for not committing more of myself to this blog. i've been overly preoccupied (as usual) with finding a permanent job and with not being an obscene jerk of a mommy to my little girl. i've been focusing A LOT of my time on my daughter and making her smile. its very important to me. as well, we are deathly poor at the moment and i have been working my tail off sub-ing (as well attempting to find my own classroom for next year).

haven't been really paying attention to my calorie intake, however i have been restricting and FINALLY going to gym (cuz its finally open, THANK THE GODDESS)! but i've been trying to NOT focus so much on how much i'm eating.... more like on what i am eating. if that makes since. i dunno. i'm lying to myself. i have no plan right now. whatsoever. and some days i don't eat anything. then other days i binge and purge. and then other days i'm restricting. makes no sense. i'm just all over the place. but for some reason. i'm still losing. which is nice. i guess.

i know. you're all thinking. excuses. excuses. you need more self control. you need more discipline. you need a plan. you need consequences. fucking flake. whatever.

anywho, i promised myself i would devote more time to this due to the specific fact I NEED the outlet. sincerely. cuz i'm getting crazier and crazier by the day due to my weight loss.

i am currently (and finally) 108 LBS. went on the scale and was like HELL NO! or was it HELL YES! ha ha. so.......... blah.....

one more LB and i'm officially underweight for my height. which is good for my disorder. and bad for my common sense. but fuck it.

anywho. my UGW is 100 even. was hoping to be there by now. but i guess slow steady always wins the race (or so the tortoise declares) and i should be patient. or at least satisfied for my success so far, no matter how small.

btw, i miss u all and hope u r all doing well. and please, give me the benefit of the doubt for not being a better blog-friend. cuz. well. i really do suck ass for being so self-absorbed/self-preoccupied but i am a good person. well. most of the time.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 108 LBS

BMI - 18.54

nothing to say. ever. or so it has been. recently.

2010-04-23T20:39:00.002-04:00

crazy. life is a bully. and he's kicking my ass.

lost a LB. finally. scale is currently reading 109.8. rounding to 110. thank god. but want to be smaller. of course.

haven't been sticking to my fasts. haven't been counting my calories. trying to cut portions still. unfortunately, i have been purging. frequently. and taking the dreaded laxies. bah.

need more self discipline. as always. need more control.

nothing special to say right now. i need a permanent job. i need my own classroom. i need. i want. i need.

sorry i haven't passed over the sunshine reward i received. sorry i haven't been around. sorry. sorry. sorry.

flake.

loser.

i am those things. times 1 million.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 110 LBS

BMI - 18.88

long one: lots to note, lots to ignore

2010-04-15T21:39:00.003-04:00

i know i haven't been around much. my heart just hasn't been in it lately. i'm chronically obsessing about my mother-in-law right now. i've reached the point where i honestly do not give a flying fuck what happens to her. and am feeling like a piece of shit because of it. very selfish of me. heartless. crap. whatever. she needs to GET OUT. i need my privacy. i only have enough room for my own crazy. i can't deal with hers too. i dunno what to do right now. she doesn't bathe. she doesn't help around here. she doesn't work. she doesn't clean. she just takes up space and brought her dog which gave my cats fleas and shits on the floor all the time cuz she never takes her out on walks. and damn, she doesn't do anything. she doesn't even take care of herself. RAR!

also, i've been extremely numb concerning food and weight. love that i can fit in to 2s. still restricting and exercising and purging. hate myself for eating even a little bit. despise myself for tormenting myself over this thin shit when i have a little girl to worry about. a little girl who has fucked up genetic predisposition to ED, depression, addiction, and possibly Bipolar disorder. lovely. i should be trying to create the way to success in life for her, not surround her with eating insanity. good lord. i mean, i know that no matter how much i attempt on hiding these issues from her, she will eventually sense them or stumble across it in some way. parents fuck up kids. no matter what. its just what happens. but I SO DO NOT WANT her to have these issues.

damn i'm a hypocrite.

anyways................... johnstonbee... gave me the sunshine award... in which i really am unsure if i deserve it... and, to be honest, i have no idea what it really means. i promise i will continue it on though. once i get some heart and time. perhaps over the weekend. i'm being flaky and lazy. for that, i apologize. and johnstonbee: THANKS! so much.

furthermore, i'm a fat fucking cow.

no.

really.

on that note. i weighed in today at 110.6. again. i can't budge. and i keep eating. can't seem to stick to a fast. it sucks.

i have no self-control. all i have is justification and excuses. BAH!

i really want to write more. but am uncertain as to what. i feel sick. that i can't write. like i used to. i actually used to pride myself on writing. wanted to be a poet. wanted to be published. since high school i thought writing was everything. and as i got older, i began to suck more and more. and devote less time to it. i've never been one for the rules of writing. always all over the place. free verse. blank verse. whatever you call it. like how i think. all scrambled and fucked up, yet attempting to be poignant. i love that word. poignant. i'm definitely a word girl. HA! word girl. anyways............... if you want ladies (and you haven't already) i have posted some choice pieces that i prefer (ones i wrote myself) here on this blog. further down. you must scroll all the way past my thinspo. the poems will be on the side. some are ED or self-harm oriented. just to let you know. remember now, i had been much younger when i wrote them. and am still very vain. my writing is self-indulgent bull shit. beware. and enjoy (or not).

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 111 LBS

BMI - 19.05

rambling, as usual

2010-04-14T00:19:00.003-04:00

old. OLD. i am old. i've come to accept. i am old.

my life has changed. again. and again.

mutated. into something. worse. less palatable.

i cannot live this way. like this. in this. i'm not entirely sure how long i can survive. here. in this place. this forsaken place.

i am a failure. as a woman. as a person. as a mother. as a simple being. living being. what?

i NEED to lose more weight. this weight. i NEED to be 100 by May 1st.

can i do this? will i do this? i want to be 109 by MONDAY! can i do this? will i do this? ARG!

i don't want to be surrounded by this never ending guilt. anymore. no more.

my H says to me yesterday. you've lost too much weight. you are losing too much weight.

i said. BS! you have known from the beginning what this is about. we've been together 9 years. 9 YEARS! i have always been honest with you about this shit. and then you bring your fucked up mother here. accompanied by CRAZY! what do you expect from me? this is how i deal! this is how i survive. what do you want from me? seriously?

i just want to scream at the top of my lungs and then... and then... i dunno... kill something.

disturbed, disgraced... whatever....

2010-04-13T21:28:00.003-04:00

i make no sense.

my title. makes no sense.

i think i've lost my mind.

anyways.....

haven't budged in the last couple days. in regards to weight, that is. the scale read 110.6 this morning. so, still saying 111 LBS for now. i really want to surpass 110 and go down to 109 right away. i'm crazy. i've been eating like a huge idiot the last two days. plus drinking wine. red wine. Cabernet to be exact. all i can say to that is CALORIE OVERLOAD. bah.

my plan for tomorrow is fast. LIQUID FAST. water. green tea. vitamin water zero. chicken broth (if necessary) and a little bit of Naked Protein Drink (maybe 1/2 a serving if light-headed). i will NOT eat solids tomorrow. NO MATTER WHAT! and i'm making my famous meatloaf and mash, so it will be hard. but if i can do this. then i go SHOPPING! cuz none of my damn clothes fit me. my underwear doesn't fit me. i need to get some xtra small sports bras. only thing that will work now. so. whatever. and i need size 2 jeans. thank the goddess. FINALLY!

let me breathe a sigh of relief. i love being small. and i can get smaller. i know it.

i still can't quite believe that in January i was 130. i am so glad i'm not anymore. and can't wait to be 100. being that i'm 5'4, this is awesome for me.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 111 LBS

BMI - 19.05

untitled BS

2010-04-09T19:33:00.003-04:00

stepped on the scale this morn. prior to getting in the shower. and getting ready for work. at 6:00am. weighing in at 110.2 LBS. very nice. i must say i am pleased. hopefully i can keep this up. it read 111 even when i got home. but i'm good with that. still smaller than yesterday. i usually round up any way unless the number shown is even.

so i'm officially saying out loud - - - - - 111 today. hoping tomorrow the scale will read 110 even. damn. only 10 more LBS until my ultimate goal. hell yes.

now if i could only control my moods like i control my food intake. then life would be grand. would it not, ladies?

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 111

BMI - 19.05

not much to say

2010-04-08T20:01:00.002-04:00

discouraged. tired. wordless. haven't been able to fast longer than 24 hours. always breaking at dinner. with my family. for multiple reasons. hungry. guilty. worried about my girl seeing me like this.

but. i stepped on the scale just a minute ago. says 111.4. a little better. more towards my goal. slowly. yet getting there. rounding to 112 for today. didn't eat all day until dinner.

working again tomorrow. won't eat all day until dinner again.

i'm losing. but while i lose. i lose hope. not all peaches. and cream.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 112 LBS

BMI - 19.22

spring break / easter / slash getting fat

2010-04-06T14:22:00.002-04:00

i've been out of town. visiting with family. close family. family that are well aware of my issues with food. see.... my history... in the past.... when i was 16 and 17, i was hospitalized for cocaine addiction and ED. this was back in 1996, prior to the label addition of EDNOS to the DSM book in 2000. anywho, i had (still have) tendencies towards both. although the cocaine was only a symptom, i only did it so i wouldn't be hungry. believe me. it was more about being thin, than being high... although that was a nice added bonus at the time consider the crap i was dealing with as a teenager.

welps, so long story short, i had to tread carefully while away and around these family members of mine. and i gained 2 LBS back. BAH!

my scale is currently reading 112.6. so of course i round back up to 113. i have been liquid fasting all day today, so far so good. all i've had is some chicken broth (20 cals), 1/2 Naked Protein serving (110 cals), and a 8.4 oz sugar free red bull (10 cals). i am extremely nervous today. and NOT eating has been a simple thing because of it. i want to be 100 by may 1st so damn bad. yet i'm not sure how i will be able to accomplish that being the date today. not without cutting off a limb or something (just kidding).

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 113

BMI - 19.4

indifferent

2010-03-30T15:13:00.004-04:00

stepped on the scale this morn. nakeee of course. reading 111.2. much nicer. i'm on the road to 110. hopefully by April 1st. however, tomorrow i'm driving three and a half hours south... so i'll need to eat a good breakfast so i don't get dizzy at the wheel with my girl in the car (scary).

in regards to my attempting to fast. again. today. for the third day in a row. it has been, so far, successful. which makes me super happy. considering my ass couldn't do it the first two times. i don't know why i'm okay today. don't really want to think about it. i'm really numb right now. had a long discussion with my H last night. all about the current "living situation" and the whole SICK ASS SELFISH mother-in-law thing. it kinda drained me. he's drained too. its so damn sad she's doing this to him. and has been doing similar shit his whole life. it makes me physically sick. i almost threw up doing the "talk" and started gagging. this whole thing has been a major trigger for me. its crazy. i mean, don't get me wrong. i know what i do is my own doing. i take total responsibility for my actions and what not. but damn, my weight loss has dropped to almost high school weight. i mean that's crazy. considering i'll be 30 in june. i mean, hey, i love it. but somewhere deep inside i know its not healthy and i know its a big sign of me being sucked into ED. it's funny. ironic. whatever, but i like know all of the things i do in regards to food and weight are wrong. i am heavily aware of the sickness. where as when i was younger, i hadn't a clue. i honestly thought everything was okay. but now.... i mean... i really know. and yet... i still do it.

i'm reading Hunger Point by Jillian Medoff. again. and like an hour ago i came across this one part that totally sums things up for me. here, read on. this is taken from Shelly's diary:

"They ask me what I think of food. I tell them I don't know, but I do. I know everything about it. I feel like I'm at war. It's all about the battle. I am always aware of what I'm doing. I watch myself watch the plate, I watch my hand lift my fork. I watch the mouth that opens like a cunt, the fork that slides in like a dick. That fucks me every time I swallow. I watch every second. I savor it all. The object, however, is to not let them know that you know this. Because if they do, they will take it away. Not the food, of course, but the knowing. Your absolute certainty that you will win. That's the real war, not the food, but the fuck and the desire of that fuck that I can control and deny. That I can destroy. You destroy the hunger, you destroy the desire, you destroy the need, you destroy the girl. The Me. And once I'm gone, what's left to fuck?"
age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 112 LBS
BMI - 19.22

thoughtless and unimaginative

2010-03-29T23:45:00.003-04:00

i really don't have much to write. i have been extremely stressed and depressed today. due to crappy family stuff here. as usual. of late. bah.

anywho. just stepped on the scale. don't know why, cuz i usually stick to morning weighings. i was actually NOT going to weigh in today bcuz of how horrendous i've been feeling and i didn't want a let down. but, obviously, i ended up giving in and the scale read 111.8. so yay for me. i round up to 112. thank god. now if i can only get to 110 by April 1st, maybe some of the "weight" will be lifted off my shoulders. get it. weight. ha.

last night i binged/purged. again. this time on nachos and then left overs. its becoming a nightly ritual. i won't be surprised if i end up having a coronary some time soon considering i'm a CRONE. and i don't take care of myself.

didn't stick to the fast today. again. i just. i dunno. i have no damn excuses. i just kept snacking. little bits here. little bits there. and then my 1/2 a serving Naked Protein. so i capped at 475 cals and i am currently hungry as hell. but i'm so saddened, i just don't feel like eating. which i guess is a good thing.

wow. this post sucks. well, at least i'm finally 112. two more LBS by April. ten more by May. i need some magic, girls. good magic.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 112 LBS

BMI - 19.22

damn damn damn CORNBREAD damn

2010-03-28T22:02:00.003-04:00

bad news. did NOT stick to the fast more than 15 hours. that was, more specifically, 15 hours of NO SOLID FOODS. but i still had 1/2 a serving of a Naked Protein Drink (110 cals) and 1 serving of Beef Broth (15 cals). was doing well until dinner. of course. as usual. ended up eating dinner with my daughter and H. he asked me to make "drum roll please" CORNBREAD!

----runs around screaming in hysterics----

arg. and he grills BBQ chicken in BBQ sauce. sweet baby rays. damn. thank god i only ate like 1/2 an ounce of that shit. so like 75 cals for the chicken. 100 cals for the SMALL ASS piece of cornbread. and then i ate cucumber/tomato salad on lettuce with oil and vinegar. BAH. a whole big ASS bowl. i would say like 125 cals for that (give or take). so maybe today.... estimation wise... a total of 425 CALS. i know for sure no more than 500. thank the goddess. but i originally wanted to liquid fast. damn it all.

good news. i did not fail completely and freak out, binge/purge and be a total glutinous pig. usually that is what happens. yet, currently, my stomach is growling like crazy... so at least i had a little self-control.

tomorrow is a new day. i will attempt a liquid fast. again. without eating dinner. stick to my broth and protein drinks. green tea and vitamin water zero. damn. i better do this. cuz i fucking know, come WEDS when i drive down south with my daughter i'm going to be fed like a stock pig by good intentions.

i will be 100 by may. i will be 100 by may. i will be 100 by may.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 113

BMI - 19.4

weak, pathetic, and disgusting... that's me.

2010-03-27T21:40:00.003-04:00

okay. so i deserve to die. i realized, just now, that i frequently choose to eat fatty fucking obese people foods when i'm starving. i have no sense of self-control or discipline. i always fucking fail my fasts and then make excuses for myself.

i went to this fair and ate half a small order of cheesy fries (CHEESE FUCKING CHEESE), 3/4 a large order of fried broccoli (FRIED FUCKING FRIED), and half a soft salted pretzel. all carbs. all fry butter crap! WTF! i had originally planned on just getting a roasted corn cob (no butter). but NO! i needed cheese and buttery carb fry crap!

i just want to scream.

and i didn't purge cuz the bathrooms there are REVOLTING! and i was with my daughter and H. so no dice. ARG! i feel like a FAT HEIFER! HEIFER!

I'M A HEIFER!

so. tomorrow. serious. as. NAZI FAST! i'm talking no excuses. NO JUSTIFICATIONS! no giving in. i don't care what happens. WATER AND VITAMIN WATER ZERO ONLY. maybe a sugar free red bull. and LOTS OF GREEN TEA! BAH!

soon i'll be heading down south to stay with family for spring break and EASTER. which means LOTS OF EATING. and i cannot fake this shit. cuz this particular part of my family are serious eaters/ feeders. they would hound me until i told them all the truth. i have a very difficult time hiding my issues from these peeps. its not like being around my mom or siblings. this is way different. and very hard for me to explain. i will attempt to be extremely careful, but i know i'm gonna come back after the 4th gaining. so i'm probably going to restrict like crazy until WEDNESDAY (cuz thats when we're leaving). i might even attempt to CRACK DOWN and fast until WEDS with broths and protein drinks (sparingly) and vitamin water and green tea. i'll decide tomorrow after i see how successful i am.

EDIT: i think my period is coming. i'm bloated, irritable, and fucking STARVING. more so than usual. i always get unbelievably ravenous before my cycle comes. it's horrible. and i seriously put on 3 to 5 lbs during my periods. and then out of nowhere, it tends to disappear. some times being a female sucks donkey balls.

i need smaller underwear

2010-03-27T14:47:00.003-04:00

i really have nothing of too much excitement to talk about.

i need something smaller than size 5. are there any unders smaller than size 5? i can't believe it. plus, my boobs are disappearing. not exactly a good thing, but definitely a sign of weight loss. thank the goddess. i think i may need to drop to an A. crazy, right? i haven't been an A since high school. lovely. anywho, i stepped on the scale this morning. 112.2. i'm still saying 113 though. i won't commit to 112 until it reads it on the dot. just how i do things.

i've been extremely depressed and stressed. had two panic attacks today. haven't had panic attacks since prior to my daughter's birth. i think i've definitely fell of the rocker for sure. binge/purge every night, even though every day i vow to stop. can't help it. started doing random laps around the block at no specific time in the day, just every couple hours or so. walking fast, not running. just to burn calories.

haven't been counting cals much (other than what i know by memory---- which is a lot actually) and haven't been keeping track religiously.

ate like crazy for dinner yesterday. i made homemade spaghetti. granted, with ground turkey and veggies, but i ate 3 cups. that's like 1000 calories. very bad. i cried about it. i haven't cried in a while. its been nutty over here.

hoping to start losing weight even faster. my gym opens in a month and i have my membership. 10 a month. i'm SOOOOOOOOOOOO excited. 5am to 12am week days. HOLY SHIT! I CAN'T WAIT!

will be going to the county fair when my daughter gets up from her nap. I LOVE THE FAIR. only negative is that i also love the crappy food they sell. and will most likely overindulge. but i plan on FASTING like crazy tomorrow FOR REAL! so a little won't hurt (hopefully). all i've had today is one jiffy pancake and a sugar free red bull. nothing else. so... i think something small like grilled corn or something should suffice. we really have NO MONEY so we can't spend much anywho. and i promised my daughter a treat at the fair (like ice cream) but my H will finish off whatever she gets so i'm not worried in that department. wish me luck!

think thin. be thin.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 113 LBS

BMI - 19.4

overwrought random thoughts

2010-03-25T20:02:00.004-04:00

i feel. defeated. absolutely done. stick a fork in me. i'm done.

i am lost. i have forgotten. how to find my way back. i am afraid. so frightened. i cannot even fathom asking for directions. i am hopeless. the tiny light within has discontinued to flicker. i am alone. in this. with no one. to turn to. this is the end. for i have started over too many times. and do not wish to begin again.

desperate quarrels. infect me. with hate. as i attack with poisonous words. those. who love me most.

false joys. cannot quell this fear. rooted deep within. no relief. to quench my searing pain. i am mislead. by ignorance. and vanity. i can no longer see. myself. for who i really am. this is a constant struggle. to simply keep from disappearing.

so sorry for last night

2010-03-25T13:19:00.002-04:00

i was ridiculously drunk. last night. those pics were horrible. i can't believe i did that. i drank a whole 6 pack of mich ultra, pretty much on an empty stomach. not smart. and i really wanted to show that pizza who was boss. and i was so angry yesterday cuz of all the fighting the night before. bah.

just to let you all know, i will be taking those FRIGHTENING pics down. i can't afford for anyone i possibly know to come across them. considering i'm a teacher. also bcuz of my past, i know A LOT of ED peeps in and out of recovery. i just don't want people to see me like that. its shameful. and OMG i know i can photo much better than that. believe me, i know i'm not hot, but SHIT those pics should be outlawed.

i feel really yucky today. and my daughter has been in TANTRUM OVERLOAD all day. mostly about hard boiled eggs, pee pee in the potty, and big girl underwear. don't ask.

anyways. on with the show.

the pizza eventually won. TKO. my H ate the first one all by himself and went to sleep. i vowed not to cook the next one and was furious he even brought it home. as i was on my 6th beer, post-crazy-ass-photo shoot, things got all jumbled for me. i woke up in the bathroom in the middle of the night. must have been like 3 or 4 in the morning or something. there was puke all over the toilet. horrible. so i thought i just got sick. well.... as i looked closer and cleaned up and then went into the kitchen to get water, i found the second pizza box. its like i blacked out or something and binged/purged in a drunken stupor. how pathetic is that?

PATHETIC

i'm so damn pathetic. and i LOOK HORRIBLE. i really disgust myself. and i'm so damn OLD. eeww.

BTW ---> to those of you who commented on the pics ---> thank you for being gentle and kind with me even though i know deep down you were just being nice and didn't want to hurt my feelings. i really appreciate it. believe me. i think i'm somewhat attention starved for girls who understand where i've been. so thank you.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 113 LBS

BMI - 19.4

pics i prolly should NOT be posting

2010-03-25T01:25:00.021-04:00

EDIT 03-25-2010: i removed the pics with my face. thanks.

i feel like showing everyone how disgusting i am. thanks.

today has been a horrible day.

i've decided (just now) to take massive amounts of gross pics of myself to keep me from eating... binging. right now.
look at my arms. they're so revolting.

don't i look happy? and pretty? NOT. god i'm an old CRONE!

i'm proud to say, however, i have not eaten that pizza. and i have not binged. although, now, i cannot sleep. i think i

have insomnia based on not binging and that i will not be able to sleep until i do so. but i won't. so i'm taking pictures.

at least my collarbones look better than a couple of months ago.

i know. i know. my LOVE handles are horrendous and unforgivable. i'm working on it. remember though. i'm way older than most of you. and have had a child. give me time.

all i can say is that i'm fucking STARVING and very very very unhappy.

i am so bored and distraught and retarded. i just want to eat. binge. and puke it all away.

digerno

2010-03-24T22:34:00.002-04:00

my husband brought home frozen digerno pizza. fuck. him. two of them. two huge slices are sitting next to me right now as i type this. 500 cals each. FUCK. HIM. it smells. so. good. BUT I WILL NOT EAT THEM! i know what he's up to. i know what he's doing.

fuck this. i chose to drink mich ultra (95 cals each). rather than eat both slices and possibly the other ENTIRE pizza.

i don't understand why he wants me to eat this shit when he knows i will purge after. and he acts like i don't. but he knows i do. cuz i tell him each time. he knows. but he'd rather me eat like a pig and barf. it makes no sense. my heart could fucking stop today from it. I'M FUCKING 29!

WARNING: massive post, incomprehensible bitch fest

2010-03-24T14:06:00.004-04:00

this will show how selfish and vain i really am. this will show how dramatic and ridiculous i can be. this will make you sick. this will make you hate me. i hate me. i am sick.

this will be a long one. possibly the longest ever. i don't know if anyone will read this. i'm sure i care too much to even explain. but whatever. there will be no logical sequence to this post. whatsoever. things will spew forth from my mind like vomit and then disappear as they please. ha. vomit. ha ha.

i've been sick. for a very long time. and i'm not talking about the bronchitis that currently ails me. what i am talking about is my head. my heart. all of that jazz. considering the family situations i grew up in. considering several other things. i have taken responsibility for my fractured ways as an adult, yet i WILL NOT say it is MY FAULT for what happened to me as a child and a teenager. fuck them. fuck you. you know who you are (just saying it to feel better, these people do not read this blog.... i hope).

where to start? what to say? specifically, i mean. i have no clue.

i wanted to be healthy. i was..... sort of healthy. i was in recovery, at least. kinda wavered after the girl was born. but then i got back on track for a little. i was a lot better (in regards to my mind and emotions). but then.... his mother came.

i speak. but he does not listen. THEY do not listen. i have NEVER been listened too. as far as i can truly remember.

my world has always been filled with roller coaster drama. if that makes any sense. ever since the date of my conception. i have been deceived, damaged, and unloved. THIS IS NOT MY FAULT! i will scream it at the tops of my lungs if i have to. i know what is my fault. i know what i do wrong. i take responsibility for my actions. however..... I WILL NOT CONDONE WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO CAUSE THESE ACTIONS.

i will repeat. i make no sense. this is more or less for my own sanity. or at least what i have left of it.

there are no means of stability in my life. no control. i have to make it myself. i've always had to create the illusion for myself. even when i was 5 years old i had to manufacture a sense of belonging and security FOR MYSELF. and it continues this way, no matter what THEY or HE says.

my current living situation. IS. NOT. MY. FAULT.

he wants me to be healthy again. he wants me to be fat. he wants me to be happy. well..... I SAY..... well....

i was those things (not overweight) but in recovery, eating as normal as possible. being healthy. for our little family. and when he told me SHE was coming and i said no. he continued to ask me. over and over. as time went by. persistent bastard. guilting me. saying things would work out. SHE needs to know the girl. SHE needs to be a grandma. i said, she hasn't even met her and she's 2 years old. SHE has never made an effort. never even tried to appear like she cares. i knew, against my better judgement, that NO!, things would be the same. i can't surround myself with shit like HER. for my own sanity and health, SHE can't come here!

its like an alcoholic hanging out at an old bar they used to visit frequently. its like a meth addict attempting to create their own meth lab and not indulge. its like someone with bipolar disorder not taking their meds and then working with needy and emotional children. NO. but he did not listen. so i gave in. feeling guilty. feeling helpless. wanting to comfort him. wanting him to KNOW i love him and want him to be happy. "she will be homeless" he said. "she will be alone" he said. "she will die" he said. and i didn't want those things.

9 years. he knows the type of depression episodes i can go through. 9 years. he knows my entire history. 9 FUCKING years. he knows about ED. he knows about the cutting. he knows about the abuse. HE KNOWS ABOUT EVERYTHING. and yet, this happens. he promised he could deal if she didn't follow through. he said he would take care of it all for US. he said he would make sure to fix things if she didn't change.

now he can't DEAL. now he complains all the time and GUILTS me for wanting her gone. ITS HER FAULT. SHE DIDN'T FOLLOW THROUGH. SHE ISN'T HELPING ANYTHING. SHE'S MAKING IT ALL WORSE. SHE IS SICKER THAN I AM (like that's possible). SHE'S affecting my girl and our relationship. we have no money. she is more SELFISH than i am. it's disgusting how selfish.

notice. my extreme restricting, weight loss, and weight obsession resumed INTENSELY once she arrived. NOTICE THIS!

i feel trapped. in. my. own. home. i feel uncomfortable. here. with myself. with her. i vomit. EVERY. FUCKING. NIGHT. i say i won't. then i do. i say i know what's going on. i can fix it. i have before. so. many. times. BUT I CAN'T NOW.

all i know is that i will be 100 LBS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! i will not agree to even thinking about recovery until she gets the fuck out. that's it. that's how its going to be.

then i cringe. my girl. is going. to be. so. fucked. up.

how can i do this to my daughter? how can he do this? we need to fix this. i don't know what to do right now. i want to cry. but the tears aren't there. this is how i know i am over my head in ED right now. i don't cry when doing these food things. and i think i really need to sob it out right now. but i don't feel comfortable. in. my. own. home. in. my. own. room. in. my. own. skin.

i wish this post had more meaning. but i guess its good to get it all out somewhere. i feel deeply ashamed of not wanting my mother-in-law here anymore. but the deal was, if she didn't get herself therapy and she didn't do things to help us with my daughter, then she would have to leave. she's been here since November. nothing has happened like he promised. and i don't know what to do.

last night i ate dinner with my girl instead of continuing my pledge of fasting. bcuz i felt guilty. bcuz i didn't want his mother looking at me the way she does. bcuz i didn't want her saying bullshit to him when he got home. then he came home. and we BINGED on a nachos, chips, and ice cream. i purged. took a shower. we fought. about the same old shit. money. his mother. sex (bcuz i will not have it, i don't want to, and i remember how easy it was to stay a virgin throughout high school and my first year of college cuz i was deep into ED and i just don't care about sex when i restrict and puke). me being a cold bitch. me. ME!!

i am currently 112.8. i ate a hard boiled egg today (yolk only). 55 cals. and half a jimmy dean sausage. 60 cals. that's it. i will be drinking tons of green tea and coffee. that's it. FUCK THEM.

i will put food on my plate. i will create the illusion of eating for my daughter. i will let her feed me little bits if she offers. but that's it for today. i don't care what his mother says. "GO BINGE BITCH" i'll say cuz that's all his mother does anyway. i don't care what HE says. he knows the situation. i've been honest about it from the very beginning. i even told him when i started purging again. HE ENABLES EVERYONE. AND HE IS CODEPENDENT WITH HER.

i will be 110 by April 1st.

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 113 LBS
BMI - 19.4

naked can be good (sometimes)

2010-03-23T13:03:00.002-04:00

so i just took off all my clothes and stepped on the scale again (nutty) and it read 112.2. OMG. i am so going to have a successful fast today. i KNOW i will be 112 tomorrow. YES YES YES!

YAY!

something to add (i feel like i will be adding things all day)

2010-03-23T12:28:00.000-04:00

I LOVE GREEN TEA!

holy shit biscuits batman!

2010-03-23T12:15:00.002-04:00

i just stepped on the scale. no way! hahahaha! i'm crazy this morning. delirious with sickness.

anywho, i stepped on the scale and 112.8. HELL YEAH BITCHES!

okay. so i'm rounding to 113. but that's def what i wanted today. so tomorrow.... PLEASE 112! i'm fasting today. or at least, attempting to. hmm. i feel like i'm always attempting to fast now. whatever. its starting right now, cuz this morn i ate half a jimmy dean sausage (damn meat addiction) with my daughter today (so 60 calories of pure FAT) but it tasted so fucking good. whatever. i also had some strawberries (7 cals or so) no biggie. nothing else for the day though. hopefully. i'm honestly going to make a huge effort cuz DAMN 112 would be fucking nice. NICE i say! NICE!

i've noticed that as i get more comfortable with restricting, dieting, and losing weight again (i know, its horrible, i'm going to hell), i have started being more honest about it and talking about it to everyone like i don't even care cuz i can do what i want. i do what i want. also, i'm cussing like crazy. i'm such an old crone and acting like nutty balls. oh well. not around my daughter though. that's the only person i don't want to infect with my ridiculousness. i'm very very careful about that (i know, i'm a horrendous mother and should be put down, YOU GO TO HELL).

okay. okay. enough of this nonsense.

in other news. all my clothes are falling off me. its about time for me to start shopping for some smaller shit. i can't go around wearing the gothic/emo shit i wore in high school (in which i still have, btw). i'm a mother and a teacher for the love of god. so, i need new clothes ASAP.

i just read what i wrote and damn i'm a loser. LOSER.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 113 LBS

BMI - 19.4

almost forgot

2010-03-22T21:48:00.002-04:00

my girl went back to the doctors today. she's on antibiotics that make her vomit now. lovely. but hopefully she'll be back to her cheery self in a few days. poor love. being sick and so little is fucked up.

last night she ended up sleeping with us. of course i couldn't sleep. she entangles herself in me and my arms and my hair and kicks and pulls at me all night long. plus the random wakings and crying doesn't help either. then morn came and i had to venture off to a 2nd grade classroom of extremely emotional and needy children. i was blasted by the days end.

you would think i could be even thinner in relation to all the damn stress i deal with on a daily bases. but no. no luck for me.

FINGERS CROSSED on 113 tomorrow.

i dunno whats going on

2010-03-22T21:32:00.002-04:00

i just stepped on the scale. just now. and it read 113.6. i don't know how. considering i've been eating red meat for three nights straight. i would plan on fasting each one of those days (cuz my plan went to shit and i've been totally ignoring my fitday calculations). FUCKING RED MEAT! hey. i'm not complaining. i've been dying to get closer to 113 again. and of course, be 110 by April. but damn. it makes no sense what so ever.

so i'm rounding up to 114 LBS. right now. as i tend to do. and am still awestruck by this fucking number. considering i NEVER weigh myself at night. whatever.

PLEASE LET ME BE 113 tomorrow.

i planned on fasting... again... today. went okay. drank two servings of an Odwalla protein drink thinking i wasn't gonna touch solids today. then the next fucking thing i know, i'm shoving deli-cut roast beef down my fat gullet. nice. ROAST BEEF? wtf. what is my obsession with red meat? is it that i'm damn sick and have been for the last two weeks? i dunno.

btw, i'm gonna ditch the fucking google agenda thing cuz i never follow it. ever. EVER!

i hate myself right now. for not being able to fast like a pro. i'm fucking 29. will be 30 in june. god help us all. ARG!

i'm making no sense what so ever right now. just rambling like a whiny bitch. and am about to go drink some mich ultra. GOD I'M WEAK!!!

ive been drinking either wine or beer every night these past three days. HEY! maybe that's why i've been eating so damn much. but wouldn't i gain? or be bloated beyond belief? am i dehydrated? whatever. my husband is home. its time for me to go before he starts snooping.

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 114 LBS
BMI - 19.57

no dedication + laziness = no weight-loss

2010-03-21T13:12:00.003-04:00

i haven't had enough courage to step on the scale today. so i'm going to go ahead and lie to myself and say i'm still 115. last night was fucking ridiculous. i want to blame it on being sick with bronchitis and drunk as shit from post-wedding-reception retard-ness. whatever. then this morning i ate buttered toast with my daughter for breakfast and left over mac&chz for lunch. wtf is wrong with me? i can't believe myself. i was doing so good. or at least i thought so. i need more self control god damn it. BLAH! this is driving me absolutely bonkers. i can't seem to focus on my weight loss at all recently and forget about my 3579 plan. that's been blown straight to hell weeks ago.

bah. i need a fresh start. whatever. i can't think of this right now. i'm too tired, too hungover, too sick, and damn starving today!

i have to work tomorrow, even though its against my better judgement (HA! like i have anything like that). i'm still ass sick but we are damn poor and are having HUGE financial issues currently. so off to sub tomorrow. i will be getting another pay check in a week, yet its all going to bills. nothing left over for me. of course, i never spend it on myself. always on my girl. toys. clothes. food. whatever she wants.

anywho. i'm gonna shut up now and hopefully nap a bit before she gets up from her nap. poor sick feverish girl. its back to the doctors with her tomorrow, my husband will be taking her and i'll let you all know how she is.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 115 LBS

BMI - 19.74

drunk

2010-03-21T01:48:00.002-04:00

i'm drunk. as shit. and fat. as fuck. i want to be small. light. ethereal. i can't control myself. all i do is binge and purge. i love food. i love to eat. what i s wrong with me? i can't control myself. some one help me. i feel so sick. but not sick enough to puke.

big FAT failure

2010-03-20T23:26:00.004-04:00

okay so my fast yesterday did not happen. and i've been eating like an idiot. fucking just came from a wedding reception (even though sick as hell) and ate prime rib and potatoes. and lots of wine and champagne. i swear last night i was gonna be okay but then my husband and i went to the store and bought chips and ice cream and cones and shit. damn damn damn. purged, of course, but i don't think i got it all. then today was okay, but night came around and i ate mac & chz with my sick daughter and then went to this wedding and ate there too. BAH!

the only good thing was that at the reception this kid said i was a MILF and then some other lady's husband said 'he liked my dress'. so i guess i'm looking a little better than before. i just need to lose these last 15 lbs. 130 back in jan. now 115. and soon hopefully 100. cross your fingers girls. i need to lose this fucking poundage!

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 115 LBS
BMI - 19.74

attemtping a FAST even though dying with mucus

2010-03-19T16:07:00.003-04:00

trying to jump back on "being crazy about food intake" today. and so, it begins with my liquid fasting. so far. so good. all i've had today is green tea, sugar free red bulls, and a little protein smoothie. that's it. no more than 100 so far. jumped on the scale and it said 114.6. so of course i round to 115. but i really really really want to be an even 114 or less tomorrow. so fast it up.

anywho, my nose is running like crazy. sneezing like crazy. snotting like crazy. and the bronchitis is hell. and the nebulizer steroids are making me fucking NUTS. i'm shaking like a yuppie in the ghetto.

in other news, my girl is feeling better. follow up at the doctor went okay. she's still running fevers though, yet seems happier and more like her self today.

i'm bored out of my mind and need constant attention. comment on my shit so i don't go and harass my hubby when he gets home. thanks.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 115 LBS

BMI - 19.74

Disney's Mulan

2010-03-18T18:50:00.002-04:00

i'm watching Mulan with my sick girl who is running a 102 fever. i'm sick too. and i realize Disney is what is wrong with the US. most definitely. anywho.... so many quotes i find in this movie work well for me. cuz, u know, i'm crazy and the world revolves around me.

***

Fa-zhou (Mulan's Father talking to Mulan indirectly): My, my. What beautiful blossoms we have this year. But look! This one's late. But I'll bet that when it blooms, it will be the most beautiful of all.

***

The Emperor of China: The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all.

Shang: Sir?

The Emperor of China: You don't meet a girl like that every dynasty.

***

Men want girls

with good taste

Calm

Obedient

Who work fast-paced

With good breeding

And a tiny waist

~just a small part of Mulan's Honor to Us All song~

***

Look at me

I will never pass for a perfect bride

Or a perfect daughter

Can it be

I'm not meant to play this part?

Now I see

That if I were truly to be myself

I would break my family's heart

Who is that girl I see

Staring straight

Back at me?

Why is my reflection someone

I don't know?

Somehow I cannot hide

Who I am

Though I've tried

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside?

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside?

~Mulan's Reflection Song~

bronchitis sucks

2010-03-18T13:41:00.002-04:00

okay. so ive been sick forever now. and now my daughter has it too. real bad. high fevers and everything. she has no appetite (which freaks me out completely, god i'm such a hypocrite). and i just can't stop eating. although, i haven't breached 115 yet. i really want to see 114 again. and then 113 just as quickly. i have no motivation to restrict, exercise, or even purge. i'm just too damn tired and sick. i know. excuses excuses. but i really do not want this to turn into pneumonia. which is extremely possible considering how horrible ive been treating my body. and knowing my luck, would kill me and leave my poor daughter motherless and moneyless. bleh. i'm being dramatic right now. what's new?

anyway. ive eaten half a nectarine today. two buttered pieces of marble rye. and a couple of tablespoons of homemade hummus. that's it. so not so bad.

as you can tell, i have not been sticking to my 3579 plan at all. and i know i definitely need to adjust my agenda and start over with some motivation and focus, but i'm not up to it yet. hopefully by the weekend i'll be feeling better. we'll see.

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 115 LBS
BMI - 19.74

SICK

2010-03-15T23:55:00.004-04:00

okay. so i'm back at 115 lbs. damn it all. i think i'm gonna die. whatever. i've been sick for the last three days. it started with a sore throat and a cough. now its bronchitis. i can't focus. i slept all damn day on Saturday while my husband took care of my girl. damn. i'm coughing so much now and it hurts like a bitch. i haven't stuck to my fasts for more than 12 hours. i always end up eating dinner with my daughter cuz (1) i feel guilty when she asks about "where is your dinner" and (2) i'm fucking worn out and so tired and just i know i should eat right now cuz i'm dying of sickness. damn public school system and sub-ing in multiple sick infested classrooms. bah.

so i stepped on the scale this morning and ARG it said 115. i'm really angry about this. i binged and purged last night on pizza and then tonight i made fucking cupcakes for my anniversary. 9 damn years. and i can't fucking lose the poundage.

i feel this absolute need to be 100 lbs by APRIL. omg please. i need to be 100 by april. i don't know why. i've been crazy about it. maybe its bcuz then i don't have to think about anything else. but lately i've been too lax about my 3579 plan. damn. i need more CONTROL. i need more WILLPOWER. i need to be STRONG. and i know that when EASTER comes around i'll be eating like a fat pig at my aunt's house. i don't know what to do then.

i know my writing right now is random and makes no sense. i've been drinking champagne for my anniversary. 9 years. i know. i've said it already. any way, i tried on these capris my mom sent like a year ago (in which there was no way i could fit into them then) and they're fucking LOOSE. size 2. no fucking way. NO FUCKING WAY! size 2. okay so how can i get to 0. i'm goddamn 30 in june. and i'm wearing a 2. HELL YEAH BITCHES!

okay. ramble ramble. i gotta lose a LB by tomorrow!!!!

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 115 LBS

BMI - 19.74

smell the flowers, blow out the candles...

2010-03-12T09:07:00.002-05:00

today is a FAST day. thank you goddess. i need it. i need to really stick to a two day fast. and i am so excited about it. its funny. i'm damn hungry. but i don't care. its not bothering me one bit. its prolly cuz i am majorly stressed about family drama. financial drama. EVERYTHING!

anyways. i just stepped on the scale. it read 113.8. HELL YEAH! so of course i round up to 114. and wow..... i took a deep breath and it felt sooooooooooooooo good to see that number. hopefully after my two day fasting i'll be down to 113. i'm on the road to nowhere. and i love it.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 114 LBS

BMI - 19.57

MIA drama

2010-03-11T21:03:00.003-05:00

sorry girls. ive been missing through out the week. although i'm sure no one really noticed. blah blah. anywho. ive been a bit preoccupied with work and family drama. as usual. and my plan has lost a little starlight in my eyes (if that makes any sense). i haven't lost much. and i haven't gained. and i haven't really been focusing on my plan. but ive been restricting still, just not as strictly. haven't really been counting cals too much. just missing meals and cutting portions in half. but not counting as religiously as before. ive been too..... stressed.... with other drama. like... my damn mother-in-law. and how bad she needs to get THE FUCK OUT. blah blah. on that note, i'm not going into any details. i have to go into my own little imaginary world so as NOT TO KILL HER. blah blah.

sometimes i really think i'm a horrible person. just disgusting. simply revolting. seriously. this sucks major donkey balls. and i need some damn peace of mind. ARG!

and.... i need to be 110 soon. or i'm going to freak out. majorly.

damn i'm poignant.

here's something a bit more positive. so i was working yesterday at a school that i interned at and one of my student's moms saw me (after not seeing me in a couple months) and said "Have you lost weight? You look FABULOUS! You must have lost a ton of weight! How much did you lose since i last saw you? You look great!!" and it made me feel so damn good. then two more people at this school mentioned my weight loss and told me i looked great. it was awesome and i guess, damn noticeable. thank you god. i was such a whale back in decemeber. YUCK!

okay. i'm done now.

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 115 LBS
BMI - 19.74

nothing of real importance... just an acrostic... pointless

2010-03-05T21:59:00.002-05:00

O ld

M eloncholy

I diotic

N eurotic

O dd

U gly

S ickening

we did acrostic poems in the class i sub-ed in today. sigh. i'm such a drama queen. barf.

today is new DAMNED day

2010-03-05T15:14:00.003-05:00

i have so much on my mind and so much that i would like to write down, but i just don't feel it today. which actually causes me immense amounts of pain and shame. i'm extremely stressed right now. i wish i could just fade away into sleepy nothingness. yet there's so much to do here. so much that i constantly fail at. so much that i never do right. RAR!

as you can see i'm back to 117 on the dot. all i can say is ARG!

yesterday sucked. BLAH!

today's a new day. haven't eaten anything. no solid foods. had 2 hot green/ginseng teas. lotsa water. 2 cups of coffee with just a little bit of milk (i would say 50 or 60 cals worth since it was whole milk). and a little bit of a protein drink (probably a little less than half a serving = about 80 cals). so far so good. i do not plan on allowing any solid foods pass these lips today! maybe i'll have a little more protein drink and perhaps some broth. i'm estimating no more than 200 cals today!

wish me luck ladies!

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 117 LBS

BMI - 20.08

blew it on meatloaf and mashed potatoes! ARG!

2010-03-04T19:00:00.003-05:00

okay. so the title says it all. damn it. potatoes are my weak point. i know. its degrading. i'm disgusting. whatever. maxed out and i am currently at --cue eerie horror music here-- 1,513 cals. and i couldn't throw up. i wanted to. omg i wanted to. but there was no way around it. daughter had to pee. one bathroom. all that. and when my daughter gets on the toilet and looks at "her books" she'll sit there for an hour. thought about going to get a garbage bag or something. i know. i'm gross. but my mother-in-law was doing the dishes and it was like i had no option but to let it --more eerie horror music-- sit. and then of course attach itself to my fat old lady ass. bah.

so here's what i'm gonna do to try and make it up to myself. tomorrow was supposed to be 900. but fuck that, i'm fasting. liquid fasting. no solid foods. and then i'm starting the damn 3579 cycle all over again. two FAST days and then back at 300. FUCK! i'm so damn disgusted with myself right now i could scream.

i'm gonna go on my google agenda and adjust the schedule. hopefully i didn't do too much damage to my progress. i was so close to 115. RAR!!!

sigh. i think i should drink tonight.

how low can u go?

2010-03-04T15:12:00.004-05:00

stepped on the scale this morning and it read 115.4 LBS. still rounding up to 116 for now. i usually don't say the lower number until i'm even 115.0 LBS (superstitious and don't wanna jinx myself). definitely hoping for that tomorrow.

700 cal day. doing good so far. i'm only at 350 cals right now and the current time is 3:13pm. that's awesome!

::::dances a little jig::::

that leaves me at 350 for dinner! YAY! i'm so excited! i do not plan to consume anything after 6pm. so i feel like i'm in the clear today! thin. slender. slim. skinny. small. light. fit. happy. YAY!

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 116 LBS
BMI - 19.91

small success

2010-03-03T13:49:00.005-05:00

yesterday was MUCH MUCH better than the weekend and Monday. thank you god. i ate exactly 301 cals yesterday, no more than that! i went to bed with my tummy growling and visions of pasta floating around my head. but i stuck to my guns! I'M STOKED. then to make things even sweeter, i've lost. i have no idea how it happened. but i think sticking to mainly protein is helping immensely.

believe it or not, i got up this morning and jumped on the scale and guess what? it read 115.8. can you believe that? i was like HUH? considering i had gained back a LB from drinking Sunday night. but hey. hell yeah!! of course i'm rounding it up to 116. i always round up.

well, i got home from taking my daughter all over the place and weighed myself again before lunch and it read 116.0 exactly. sweet! YAYAYAYAYAY! i'm dying for the scale to read 115 tomorrow. oh please oh please.

in other news, today is a 500 cal day. so far so good. right now i'm at 343 cals total

2 egg yolks (hard boiled), 1 slice of bacon (couldn't help it, husband was making it and it smelled soooooooooooooo good), a spinach and tomato salad with little balsamic, and 5 tbsp of homemade hummus (was making it and tasting it, went a little crazy there).

so that leaves me 157 cals for the rest of the night (mainly for dinner cuz i definitely do not plan on eating after 6pm). wish me luck ladies! i'm feeling positive about this one!

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 116 LBS

BMI - 19.91

small, light, slim, slender, thin...

2010-03-02T09:53:00.010-05:00

as you all can tell. i'm not very happy with myself. i've gained back a LB. and i really don't want to get into details concerning it. just assume it has to do with drinking wine and eating too much all the damn time cuz i'm fucking hungry. well screw it all. blah blah blah.

I WILL BE 110 in two weeks goddammit. I WILL BE 100 by APRIL! ARG!

today is a 200 cal day. so far so good. 1 egg yolk (hard boiled). 1/2 a nectarine. total so far = 84 cals.

I CAN DO THIS! i will drop this weight! i will be small, light, slim, slender, thin.... THIS SUCKS! BAH!!

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 118 LBS
BMI - 20.25

Afternoon EDIT: current time. 1:37pm eastern. lunch with my daughter. 1 egg yolk (hard boiled). baby spinach and tomato salad with a little balsamic. heavily diluted chicken broth. 1 sugar free redbull. green/ginseng tea. added to my previous allotment, total calorie intake so far = 188 cals.

now i know i'm cutting it close. so i've decided (in order not to fail completely and feel like a loser therefore giving in and binging like a gluttonous idiot) that i'm changing my 2468 plan to a revised 3579 plan. i think one more allowance of 100 today will help me get through dinner without freaking out with shame. since back in january i've been having trouble with my 200 days... so, this seems like a logical solution in order to keep MIA monster down.

any comments, feedback, whatever is definitely appreciated with this. PLEASE! okay thanks.

Evening EDIT: current time. 5:49 pm eastern. dinner with my daughter and mother-in-law. 1oz breaded pork chop (lean, oven baked). baby spinach and tomato salad with a little balsamic. green/ginseng tea. added to my previous allotment, total calorie intake so far = 278 cals.

that leaves me just enough room for 1 hard candy (cherry jollie rancher) late tonight if i get antsy. i must say i feel good about all this. today has gone much better than expected. as well, i really think my revised 3579 plan will definitely prove more successful for me.

disgust

2010-03-01T22:33:00.001-05:00

self disgust wells up in the back of my throat and tastes like vomit.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 118 LBS

BMI - 20.25

growling update

2010-02-28T14:46:00.003-05:00

so i went on my google agenda and adjusted my 2468 plan again. i just felt like was eating way too much this week. so i'm liquid fasting today. so far so good. i've had 2 sugar free redbulls (20 cals), tons of green tea/ginseng tea (0 cals), a frozen fuit pop (40 cals), and half a serving of a protein smoothie (1/2 Naked Protein serving - 110 cals). so total of 170 cals. not bad. i decided to add little bits of liquid protein smoothies to my intake on fast days just so i can keep up with my 2 year old. she's a bit nutty, especially on the weekends. lots of energy. anywho, i plan on having some chicken broth later (about 20 cals per cup) and more green/ginseng tea. that's it for the rest of the day. so i'm hoping not to go over 200 cals today, even though it is technically a FAST day. i just having gotten strong enough for a total water fast as of yet and i really don't want to set myself up for a binge. maybe when i start really working, i'll be able to go an entire day with water and tea only. we'll see.

la la la. i've been extremely tired and depressed lately. all i want to do is sleep. but my daughter needs me, so i can't. i'm twisted up in knots. and bored out of my mind. which is NOT a good thing. being that... i eat when i'm bored and then obsess about how fat i've become. blah.

i'm so depressed. i don't even have it in me to complain or write right now. sad.

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 117 LBS
BMI - 20.08

no more llama drama

2010-02-26T21:35:00.004-05:00

this week has sucked majorly in the food department. i have surpassed my allotments for everyday (tues, weds, thurs) except Monday's fast and today's 800. so far i'm at 657. thank god. unfortunately, i haven't lost any more weight. stuck on 117. but thanks be i haven't gained. i'm hoping to just stay at 657 being that its 9:37 pm where i am. but my husband just came in and said "i think i'm going to go get a pizza". FUCK PIZZA! FUCK FOOD!

the drama in this house is making me lose my damn mind. i can't live with his mother anymore. everyday this week (besides monday and today) i have gorged on 900-1000 calories. BAH! this bitch is deluded and she doesn't care about anyone but herself. i was in fucking recovery goddamn it. i was doing okay. then my internship came to completion and she pushed her way into our home. she's making my husband crazy, she's making me crazy, and worst of all she's making my daughter crazy.

sigh. i could go on about this forever. all i want is everyone here to be happy. this little family of mine was supposed to be a new start for me. was supposed to help me overcome all the disappointments in my immediate family. and i'm so worried my daughter is going to hate me and have all the same problems i have. i just.... i want everyone to be okay. please.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 117 LBS

BMI - 20.08

back to work

2010-02-24T12:25:00.003-05:00

yesterday turned out bad. ended at 955 cal. yuck. but today has been much better. its a 400 cal day and, so far, i'm at 275. so i haven't gone over like i did so quickly yesterday. bah. i'm trying to fill up on water and green tea for the rest of the day and hopefully dinner won't make me crazy. all i'm allowed to have now is 125 so i've got to be extremely cautious cuz its easy to go over for me. damn it all.

anyways, i start working again in the beginning of march. i am so excited about not being stuck in this house anymore. its much easier to NOT EAT when i'm working. and i sure love working. yayayayayay. plus, my work clothes are all so loose now (which i love). it's amazing how much difference 15 LBS makes. thank god. i'm hoping for 115 before i start officially teaching again. that would be wonderful. but for some reason, the last couple days, i've been stuck on 117. prolly cuz i didn't stick to 200 last night and the weekend was a horrendous eating/drinking extravaganza.

i need more exercise. i need to do sit-ups/crunches every night from now on. this is my new goal! EVERY NIGHT NO MATTER WHAT i will do at least 100 crunches!

blah. blah. blah. today will be better. it already is. and it will end well. cuz it has to. there. I'M THE BOSS!!

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 117 LBS
BMI - 20.08

BUST

2010-02-23T20:37:00.002-05:00

okay. today was a definite bust. i'm at 955 cal so far. hoping no more. I WILL NOT EAT ANYMORE TODAY! BAH! this really sucks. i was so spirited earlier. arg.

tomorrow is a new day. tomorrow is 400 only. 400. I CAN DO THIS SHIT! I WILL BE THIN!

i feel crazy right now. i feel ashamed. ashamed that i'm so fucking fat. ashamed that i am so unattractive. ashamed that i feel this way.

i hate how my mood shifts so rapidly. i wish i could have a little more self control. damn it all.

enough is enough is enough. tomorrow. 400. sticking to it!

smart water is the bomb diggity

2010-02-23T16:42:00.002-05:00

i just love smart water. and vitamin water. the coolest thing is that they're made by the same company. glaceau rocks. i love them. just thought i would post this. thanks. for humoring me. you may go on about your day now.

my new agenda, adjusted plans...

2010-02-23T12:45:00.002-05:00

success! SUCCESS ON MY LIQUID ONLY FAST YESTERDAY! never ate one solid thing. just had broth, vitamin water, smart water, one cherry flavored jolly rancher hard candy and 2 sugar free redbulls all damn day! YAY! went to bed with only a max of 90 cals in me. i know it isn't a true fast, but damn, being that i'm a binger/purger i think its fucking amazing! YAY!

woke up this morning. scale still says 117 LBS. its okay. hoping for 116 tomorrow.

in other news, i've added this google agenda app to my blog (as i'm sure you all can see) in order to help me keep track of my personalized 2468 plan. today is supposed to be 200 max, but i've already gone over. i'm at 412 and its only 12:50pm. damn. thats okay thats okay. no more food for the day. i think i can i think i can. i know i can i know i can.

anyways, if you lovely ladies have any comments and/or suggestions in regards to my new agenda thingy, please let me know so i can make it better (and possibly be more successful). i find it extremely difficult to stay below 500 when eating anything. perhaps i should keep my 200 and 400 days on liquids like protein shakes or something. whatdya all think? I NEED FEEDBACK PLEASE~!

also, just to let you all know. i'm a major attention whore. being that i'm a gemini from a rather large family and am fucking crazy. i love attention. and ever since i've had my daughter, i really don't receive the necessary doses i require in order to survive. here. it this messed up world. that drives me nutty. hourly. believe me. blah!

now i'm starting to ramble. so i will go. and smoke some cigs and try to calm down.

PS--> TODAY IS CLEANING DAY! YAY!

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 117 LBS

BMI - 20.08

monday, monday, monday!

2010-02-22T14:11:00.004-05:00

still 117 LBS. i'm ok with that. for now. fast day (or closest thing to it). so far so good. all i've had today is a sip of vitamin water, lots of smart water, green/ginseng tea, and two sugar free redbulls. max cal intake (so far) about 30 (if i include the sip of vitamin water, albeit i'm rounding up).

i feel good today. i feel like today will be a successful no food day. i'm hungry. but its not bothering me. i feel happy. which is a big deal. for me. i took my daughter to the library today and we joined a free play group. she loves to play. and she's being so silly today. such a ham. she brightens my day so completely. god. i never thought i would ever be able to feel sooooooooooooo much love for another person. really. i mean, i love my husband. but the heart i have for my daughter is a wordless full (in a good way) feeling. i feel lighter than ever when she smiles at me. lighter than ever. really i do. i love her so much.

just thought to add that. love is good stuff.

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 117 LBS
BMI - 20.08

EDIT:

okay, so i've added a couple more sips of vitamin water and some chicken broth just to hold me over through the rest of the day. right now, it is 6:39 pm eastern. i think i can! I FEEL GOOD! total cal intake today = 65. HELL YES!

i will not binge. i will not binge. i will not eat. i will not eat. tomorrow i can eat. today i stick to green/ginseng tea for the rest of the night. i will not eat. i will not binge. I AM THE BOSS!!

2468 info... interesting.

2010-02-21T14:20:00.002-05:00

"The 2-4-6-8 diet is supposed to stimulate metabolism by tricking body to think person is increasing food intake. Oppositely, 2-4-6-8- diet helps anorexic person to maintain dangerously low calorie intake levels. Sudden, drastic and potentially lethal weight loss is the only result. There is no evidence this kind of diet gives any of the desired results. Maybe this is the reason this is one of the most popular diets among restrictors. It is possible to rotate the number of calories on a given day in order to keep their metabolism up. There are different ways to rotate, either reversing 2-4-6-8 diet starting with 8 or doing 2-4-6-8-6-4-2. As this is a very strict diet there is no room for junk food or caloric beverages. Also this diet is not considered as maintenance but is designed to kick start your metabolism or to keep you break through a weight-loss plateau. Average of weekly weight loosing is up to 4 pounds if you are at a “normal” weight but more like 2 pounds if you are already underweight."

taken from ---> http://www.steadyhealth.com/2_4_6_8_diet_t54119.html

the only reason i posted again today is bcuz, when stumbling upon a site talking about this metabolism diet thing i've been attempting.... i didn't even know there was a name for it. anywho, maybe i should stick to my special plan. it has been helping me lose LBS pretty fast (as long as i stick to it, without binging. and i can change it up a little, do a repeat thing back and forth, flipping it around.

for example (as said in article): 2-4-6-8-6-4-2 and throw a fast day in there. i like fasting on Mondays for some reason. i'm pretty busy on Mondays and it seems easier for me to stay distracted from food.

okay ladies. comment time. whatdya think? any feedback on the matter. where should i go with this in order to alter my previous plan in a way in which i can be more successful in my weight loss? help please. thanks.

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 117 LBS
BMI - 20.08

weekends throw me all off

2010-02-21T10:32:00.004-05:00

still losing. thank god. slowly. but losing.

this weekend sucked. i don't even know why really. it just sucked. i eat way too much on the weekends. i think its bcuz my husband is home. whatever.

last night we went for a jog. that was nice. then we went out for drinks. nice too. then BAM fast food stop before home. YUCK. binged. purged. done. okay, but i'm one LB lighter than yesterday. nice again.

i realize i'm not making much sense today. i'm sooooooooooo tired. just feel like sleeping all day. but that wouldn't be fair to my little girl. she likes to hang out with both her parents on the weekends and i like to accommodate her in that respect. she deserves it. she's awesome and beautiful and has made my life worth living. so, my husband let me sleep in until 9:30am (which is a huge deal). and now we're off. yay. what to do, what to do? (hopefully there won't be much eating involved).

anywho, i'm going to shut up now and attempt to focus on my girl and not my food. lovely. wish me luck ladies.

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 117 LBS
BMI - 20.08

bad, bad girl

2010-02-19T14:26:00.002-05:00

i've been bad. real bad. the past two days have been horrible. i've been eating way too much and totally ignoring "my plan". i think i've given up on the idea of it. i definitely need new goals. last night my husband brought home taco bell. WTF!? PROCESSED HELL is more like it. i binged like crazy and ran to the bathroom. have no idea what happened after than cuz... well... i was drunk. i think that's why the last two days have been bad. got a bottle of wine WEDS night and drank half of it then and the rest last night. both nights i binged on crap. BAH!

however, the scale still reads 117.8 and i have no clue why. weird. today has become hard. i was suppose to eat 600. right now i'm at 400. that only leaves me 200 for the rest of the day. i dunno. i think i'm going to keep Mondays and Tuesdays as fasting days and then just try to stay below 650 every other day. i don't know if it will work. i don't even want to eat much anymore. i like just drinking my cals. red bulls, vitamin water, occasional juice and soups. thats about it. but unfortunately i need to be more flexible with a toddler at home. i don't want to fuck her eating habits up. you know? i need to "appear" like i'm eating healthy for her sake.

wells... any suggestion people? i really need some help with this. good plans? good "appearances" ideas? help me out.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 118 LBS

BMI - 20.25

losing can be a good thing, sometimes....

2010-02-17T13:29:00.003-05:00

woke up this morning. got on the scale. it read 117.8. i have no idea how this happened, considering i ate dinner and then binged on MC-Ds when my husband came home last night (of course i purged after, though i hate it every time and i always feel like i didn't get rid of it all). anywho, i've rounded up to 118 LBS for today. holy shit ola. but i'm not complaining. PLEASE LET ME BE 117 tomorrow. PLEASE.

i've already surpassed my calorie allotment for the day. i'm at 255 currently. and am STARVING. it seems to me easier to not eat at all than to try to stick to a particular number. and then when i go over, i feel like such a loser that i give in and pig out like a disgusting animal. it really is gross. but if i can stay below 300 today, i'll be happy. tomorrow is 400. we'll see.

i've been considering revamping my "diet plan" to something new cuz i've been attempting this for almost a month now and i haven't had one total successful week yet. all be it, i am losing weight. just not fast enough. i'm definitely not satisfied. although, to be honest, i don't think i'll ever be truly content with my body and weight. duh. anyways, if any of you ladies have any ideas of a new "diet plan" or course of action, please feel free to comment. i need comments. thanks.

in other news, i've been going to the library like crazy with my daughter. getting her lots of movies and books to look at each week. while there, i've been checking out ED books. right now i have 10 out. i definitely suggest ZERO by Diane Tullson (not sure of the spelling and i'm too lazy to get up right now to check, will edit later if necessary). this was a very good rendition of a girl with both Anorexia and Bulimia. beware, though, can be immensely triggering. its a really easy read being that its a young adult novel. having a hard time finding ED fiction written for adults. which sucks. the damn libraries here are always out of the good ones or don't have them at all and i'm dirt poor right now, so i'm not even going to think of purchasing a book.

alright, i'm going to shut up now. i'm bored. and tired. and i need a cigarette.

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 118 LBS
BMI - 20.25

Monday - preferably 0 cals - water only fast (but if feeling drastic, can have chicken broth or beef broth).
Tuesday - Little cals - liquid only fast (can have sugar free red bulls, vitamin water, and watered-down juice
Wednesday - 200 cals - proteins and veggies if possible.
Thursday - 400 cals - proteins, veggies, and little dairy if possible.
Friday - 600 cals - proteins, veggies, and dairy.
Saturday - 800 cals - proteins, veggies, fruits and dairy.
Sunday (AKA eat day) - 1000 cals - anything, as long as you don't go over 1000 max.

rar

2010-02-16T19:33:00.003-05:00

okay. so i ate dinner with my daughter. 1/2 cup of white rice with margarine, 1/2 cup lima beans, 1/2 cup ground beef. FUCK. all together today = 506 cal. wtf? i was suppose to be fasting. my lack of willpower is killing me. and now that the plan blew to shit, all i can think about is eating like a sow and barfing. BAH! i need structure. i need self control. i need a trainer. i need some one to slap me upside the head (daily, mind you) and remind me how fat i've become! bleh.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 120 LBS

BMI - 20.6

Monday - preferably 0 cals - water only fast (but if feeling drastic, can have chicken broth or beef broth).
Tuesday - Little cals - liquid only fast (can have sugar free red bulls, vitamin water, and watered-down juice
Wednesday - 200 cals - proteins and veggies if possible.
Thursday - 400 cals - proteins, veggies, and little dairy if possible.
Friday - 600 cals - proteins, veggies, and dairy.
Saturday - 800 cals - proteins, veggies, fruits and dairy.
Sunday (AKA eat day) - 1000 cals - anything, as long as you don't go over 1000 max.

form fitted and fat

2010-02-16T13:44:00.004-05:00

success on yesterday's fast. mostly. thank god! couldn't stick to water only, so i had two sugar free redbulls, lots of green/ginseng tea, and beef broth. about a total of 50 cals. had no solid food whatsoever. and near the end (late night) it was soooooooooo difficult to stick to it. but i did. so pat me on the back bitches.

today has been successful so far too. all i've had is water, green/ginseng tea, vitamin water, and beef broth. my daughter stuck a strawberry in my mouth, but i really don't count that cuz i didn't want to "not eat" in front of her now that she has her appetite back. so 1 strawberry. i think that's like 7 calories or something like that. i'll have to check. anywho, so far i've only had about 40 cals. good good.

tomorrow i can have 200 cals. i'll keep it light. i have a ton of errands to run and i'm volunteering tomorrow, so it should be easy. hopefully. that damn chocolate cake is still in the fridge whispering lewd temptations my way, but i've been doing an awesome job ignoring it.... so far. i begged my husband to take the frickin thing to work for him, but i think he knows it calls to me and for some reason revels in that. blah. whatever.

i dropped a LB. back down to 120. hoping 119 tomorrow after today's fast. slowly but surely down, down, down. couldn't sleep until late last night. wrote a new poem (its been soooooooooooooooo long since i've written anything with any clout). anyways, please don't take it or use it without my permission. thanks. here goes....

HUNGER

dry mouth
swollen tongue
smelling faintly of vomit
and listerine
masked shame
and horror
feeling nothing
seeing nothing
knowing too much
hoping to forget
and it tears at me
like sharp tiny teeth
gnawing
at my insides
roaring within
as relentless knives stab
sending shooting pangs
up my spine
and back
down through my bowels
disease ridden
and rotten
a hollow hole
filled
with invisible shit

ncl....2010.

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 120 LBS
BMI - 20.6

Monday - preferably 0 cals - water only fast (but if feeling drastic, can have chicken broth or beef broth).
Tuesday - Little cals - liquid only fast (can have sugar free red bulls, vitamin water, and watered-down juice
Wednesday - 200 cals - proteins and veggies if possible.
Thursday - 400 cals - proteins, veggies, and little dairy if possible.
Friday - 600 cals - proteins, veggies, and dairy.
Saturday - 800 cals - proteins, veggies, fruits and dairy.
Sunday (AKA eat day) - 1000 cals - anything, as long as you don't go over 1000 max.

with a moo moo here and a moo moo there...

2010-02-15T19:20:00.003-05:00

the weekend absolutely blew chunks. literally. i went out of control. all i can say is.... MOOOOOOOOO! i'm such a cow. i'm back to 121 LBS. BAH! damn chocolate. damn cake. damn pizza. damn it all!

so, today has been better. been fasting. all i've had today is 2 sugar free redbulls, smart water, and a cup of beef broth. so total of 50 cals. couldn't stick to the water only thing. never can. i get headaches and bull like that. blah. bleh. yuck. my girl is sitting next to me right now, watching the incredibles, eating salami. OMFG! i love salami. but i'm not touching the stuff. not today. fasting again tomorrow. liquids only. hopefully i can be back to 118 soon.

damn that salami smells good....

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 121 LBS

BMI - 20.77

Monday - preferably 0 cals - water only fast (but if feeling drastic, can have chicken broth or beef broth).
Tuesday - Little cals - liquid only fast (can have sugar free red bulls, vitamin water, and watered-down juice
Wednesday - 200 cals - proteins and veggies if possible.
Thursday - 400 cals - proteins, veggies, and little dairy if possible.
Friday - 600 cals - proteins, veggies, and dairy.
Saturday - 800 cals - proteins, veggies, fruits and dairy.
Sunday (AKA eat day) - 1000 cals - anything, as long as you don't go over 1000 max.

back to 120.... BAH!

2010-02-13T14:28:00.003-05:00

BAH. BAH i say. get on the scale this morning and BAH!!! 120 LBS. wtf? yeah. i went over my allotted 600 last night, ate 800 instead. damn muffins. and i didn't purge. i thought that was a good thing. blah BAH blah. 800 tonight. 1000 tomorrow (damn valentines day and the over prescribed confectionery bliss that accompanies it! DAMN!). but Monday. MONDAY WILL BE FAST DAY! water fast for Monday. and basic liquid/juice fast for Tuesday. then hopefully i'll be closer to 118. i'm hoping tomorrow i'll be 119 again. but i doubt it. stupid period is coming. damn water weight. damn the bloat. DAMN!

sigh. i think this is the most boring blog i've ever written. actually, i think this entire blog i've been keeping is boring. i used to be a writer. i used to move the world with my words. or... at least... i thought so. i'm so vain. i'm such a loser. rar.

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 120 LBS
BMI - 20.6

Monday - preferably 0 cals - water only fast (but if feeling drastic, can have chicken broth or beef broth).
Tuesday - Little cals - liquid only fast (can have sugar free red bulls, vitamin water, and watered-down juice
Wednesday - 200 cals - proteins and veggies if possible.
Thursday - 400 cals - proteins, veggies, and little dairy if possible.
Friday - 600 cals - proteins, veggies, and dairy.
Saturday - 800 cals - proteins, veggies, fruits and dairy.
Sunday (AKA eat day) - 1000 cals - anything, as long as you don't go over 1000 max.

hell yeah, 119

2010-02-12T13:13:00.002-05:00

that's right. 119 LBS. i'm freakin' shrinking! this is nice. this makes me feel so damn good. and i'm not even frickin hungry right. which is amazing. all i've had today is a mini muffin. and two sugar free red bulls. i'm stoked. really. hoping for 118 tomorrow. oh yeah. oh please. 118 here i come. OMG! i'll be 110 in no time if i keep this shit up. i'm so damn excited, i feel like doing a little jiggy around my scale. HELL YEAH!

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 119 LBS

BMI - 20.43

Monday - preferably 0 cals - water only fast (but if feeling drastic, can have chicken broth or beef broth).
Tuesday - Little cals - liquid only fast (can have sugar free red bulls, vitamin water, and watered-down juice
Wednesday - 200 cals - proteins and veggies if possible.
Thursday - 400 cals - proteins, veggies, and little dairy if possible.
Friday - 600 cals - proteins, veggies, and dairy.
Saturday - 800 cals - proteins, veggies, fruits and dairy.
Sunday (AKA eat day) - 1000 cals - anything, as long as you don't go over 1000 max.

on another note. my daughter is still pretty sick, but she's slowly getting better. i'm hoping she'll be able to go out tomorrow cuz there's a special event in town for valentines day for little kids and i really want to do this with her. plus it will get me out of this godforsaken house filled with mess, food, and my mother-in-law.

my hands are covered in vomit and its not my own

2010-02-11T11:28:00.005-05:00

i woke up this morning and weighed myself. 120 LBS. YAY! 10 down. 20 more to go. HOORAY!! i've been doing really well, so far, keeping to my new diet plan thingy. i'm stoked! i'm hoping 119 tomorrow.

on another note, my daughter has a stomach virus and has been horrendously ill. poor thing. she's so little and fragile when she's sick. also very weepy. she's usually so independent and bright. but yesterday and today, she's down in the dumps. i feel for her. i've been trying to keep her comfortable and hydrated. its been easy for me to NOT EAT while she's not and it makes me feel ridiculously guilty. other than not eating, i've been overly focused/worried about her. she's running 103 fever and can't keep much down. however, today she's doing much better than yesterday and had a little white rice. thank god. she's only 29 LBS.

i know. i know. i'm a damn hypocrite. whatever. she's not the one who is worthless and stupid. she's beautiful. wonderful. amazing in every way. totally lovable. innocent. i'm damaged goods. have been since i was her age. there's no hope for me. as long as i stay on the right track and try to make things good for her, i think i'll level out... eventually. hopefully.

sometimes i look at her and think that i was innocent like her once. until my stupid DNA monster of a bio-mom fucked me all up (among the vast amounts of other things). blah blah blah. woe is me.

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 120 LBS
BMI - 20.60

Monday - preferably 0 cals - water only fast (but if feeling drastic, can have chicken broth or beef broth).
Tuesday - Little cals - liquid only fast (can have sugar free red bulls, vitamin water, and watered-down juice
Wednesday - 200 cals - proteins and veggies if possible.
Thursday - 400 cals - proteins, veggies, and little dairy if possible.
Friday - 600 cals - proteins, veggies, and dairy.
Saturday - 800 cals - proteins, veggies, fruits and dairy.
Sunday (AKA eat day) - 1000 cals - anything, as long as you don't go over 1000 max.

trials and tribulations

2010-02-09T20:10:00.005-05:00

yesterday’s fast was great until dinner (of course). i ate, but stayed below 500. thank god. then my husband came home from work (about 9pm) and made some special brie, pear, and melba toast thing. so i ate like a pig. then purged. don’t know if i got it all or not. whatever. BUST. tried to not beat myself up over it.

today has been much much better. all i’ve had today is chicken broth, green/ginseng tea, chamomile tea, and a couple sips of 100% apple juice! total cal intake: 60. NICE. however, i’m starting to feel a binge coming on. its 8pm right now. my daughter is on the potty as i type this. i’m hoping i can keep myself distracted for the remainder of the evening. i need to put my daughter to bed and then maybe if i take time in the shower, shave, maybe dye my hair that will help. i dunno. my husband is on his way home now. i’m hoping he doesn’t stop to get any special snacks. damn him. just the other night he came home with spicy chicken wings. god help me.

anywho, tomorrow is 200 cal. keep your fingers crossed for me girlies!

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 121 LBS

BMI - 20.77

Monday - preferably 0 cals - water only fast (but if feeling drastic, can have chicken broth or beef broth).
Tuesday - Little cals - liquid only fast (can have sugar free red bulls, vitamin water, and watered-down juice
Wednesday - 200 cals - proteins and veggies if possible.
Thursday - 400 cals - proteins, veggies, and little dairy if possible.
Friday - 600 cals - proteins, veggies, and dairy.
Saturday - 800 cals - proteins, veggies, fruits and dairy.
Sunday (AKA eat day) - 1000 cals - anything, as long as you don't go over 1000 max.

give me strength

2010-02-07T21:57:00.004-05:00

tomorrow my new diet plan begins (for the second time). and i will stick to it as best as i can. i originally wanted to start off Monday on a water only fast, but i'm worried. so now i will allow 1 or 2 cups of broth if things get too difficult for me. however, i do have ALOT of errands to run so i think it will be okay. i'm feeling strong on this.

Monday - preferably 0 cals - water only fast (but if feeling drastic, can have chicken broth or beef broth).
Tuesday - Little cals - liquid only fast (can have sugar free red bulls, vitamin water, and watered-down juice
Wednesday - 200 cals - proteins and veggies if possible.
Thursday - 400 cals - proteins, veggies, and little dairy if possible.
Friday - 600 cals - proteins, veggies, and dairy.
Saturday - 800 cals - proteins, veggies, fruits and dairy.
Sunday (AKA eat day) - 1000 cals - anything, as long as you don't go over 1000 max.

on another note, i've been able to stay below 750 cal each day this past weekend! WOOT! which is awesome. but i find that currently, at this very moment, i am having huge binge cravings. i've been downing tons of water and green tea to compensate. but OMG i want to gorge right now. i'm trying so hard. i feel crazy right now.

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 122 LBS
BMI - 20.94

i think i can. i know i can. i knew i could.

2010-02-05T14:39:00.003-05:00

so despite my recent difficulties sticking to my new "plan", i've been losing a LB a day. its crazy! maybe its because of my renewed joy for exercise or maybe its bcuz of all the purging at night... or stress... or i don't know. i definitely have not been keeping to my plan. ate 800 cals yesterday. disgusting. i'm hoping to do 700 today. ive decided to stop bitching and moaning about how hard this new plan is right now and just keep my cal intake low until i can try it again on Monday. FAST FAST FAST on Monday. i have a lot of errands i need to run on Monday, so that should help. but what worries me the most is evening/dinner time. though ive found that i'm depressed or going through "an episode of mine" i don't get hungry. nice. well stress is CRAZY right now. my husband and i are having a real difficult time right now, ROCKY, due to his mother living with us since early November. BAH! she's a nice lady and all, but i need my damn privacy and this place is small enough as it is. plus... she does nothing. absolutely nothing. and eats all my daughters food. go ahead and eat, but i get very protective of my daughter's food. no matter how fucked up i am about my own food, i know logically that it is important for my child to eat and be nutritionally sound. don't fuck with my daughter's food.

anyways, to make a long story short... i'm attempting to get her "medical" help. i mean, come on, if youre so messed up can you at least try to hide it from your granddaughter (my daughter). i mean, i do. shit. no, instead she like straight up tells my 2 yr old things that kids just don't need to know about. its disgusting. the kid is going to have enough trouble when she hits pre-adolescence due to genes (on both sides ---> depression, ED, drinking, addiction, being a girl)... but for the love of god, lets not start filling her head with fears and woes. its not right.

blah blah blah. wells... so far all i've had today is 1 hard boiled egg, yolk only, 4 tablespoons of hummus, raw spinach leaves with balsamic vinegar, and 2 sugar free redbulls (WHICH I LOVE). total cal intake = 317. it is 2:51 pm and hopefully i can stay below 700 after dinner. i think i can. i think i can. i know i can. i know i can. i knew i could......

MY DIET PLAN FOR NEXT WEEK

Monday - 0 cals - water only fast.
Tuesday - Little cals - liquid only fast (can have sugar free red bulls, vitamin water, and watered-down juice)
Wednesday - 200 cals - proteins and veggies if possible.
Thursday - 400 cals - proteins, veggies, and little dairy if possible.
Friday - 600 cals - proteins, veggies, and dairy.
Saturday - 800 cals - proteins, veggies, fruits and dairy.
Sunday (AKA eat day) - 1000 cals - anything, as long as you don't go over 1000 max.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 122 LBS

BMI - 20.94

fasting failures, the sequel...

2010-02-02T14:13:00.002-05:00

yeah. last night was total bullshit. a nightmare. horrendous. i'm such a fat slob. dinner was a disaster. it started with making it. and then the feta cheese. and the tomatoes. and rice and carrots. and god help me. i was doing so well until dinner. its like i set myself up for this. so i eat and eat. then purge. then eat some more. right in front of my mother-in-law. all the eating. and then disappearing for a while. and then eating. while she's watching my daughter. what a poor excuse for a human being i am. what a poor excuse for a mother. i'm some one's mother for christsakes!!! what the hell is wrong with me? i hate this. then later that night, after my husband came home, i cleared out the fridge of all the left overs. straight down my disgusting throat and back out again. just horrible. then i drank a six pack of mich-ultra. lovely. drinking again. i hate myself. i hate this place. i just want to be small. i just want to be beautiful. i just want to be a good mom. i just want to do something good for once. say something poignant. think something great. be.... someone. ARG! i can hear the fucking violins playing as i bitch. this is so stupid. i'm so fucking stupid.

today hasn't been any better. ate some of my daughter's french toast this morning, after making it. then chowed down on mac&chz for lunch. puked that up. i'm such a loser. and not in a good way. HAHA! i'm insane. i really am. i'm fucking insane. i need to get the fuck out of this house. start teaching again. start helping other people. stop thinking about myself. about food. about how worthless i am. about how shameful i am. i am so frustrated.

i don't think my diet idea is going to work. i think its making me more crazy cuz after i fucked up yesterday i just want to fuck up the whole week. i already want to give up. where should i start tomorrow? fast? or stick to 200 cal? anyone have any bright ideas? this is ridiculous. i just want to scream at the top of my lungs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

things used to be so much easier for me. when i lived alone. when i was alone. i rarely bought food and i could live how i wanted. i exercised in any way i wanted, as much as i wanted. BAH! but i was lonely and miserable. yet i was thin. small. and i didn't care. now i care too much. what should i do?

Monday - 0 cals - water only fast.
Tuesday - Little cals - liquid only fast (can have sugar free red bulls, vitamin water, and watered-down juice)
Wednesday - 200 cals - proteins and veggies if possible.
Thursday - 400 cals - proteins, veggies, and little dairy if possible.
Friday - 600 cals - proteins, veggies, and dairy.
Saturday - 800 cals - proteins, veggies, fruits and dairy.
Sunday (AKA eat day) - 1000 cals - anything, as long as you don't go over 1000 max.

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 125 LBS
BMI - 21.46

fasting failures

2010-02-01T14:22:00.000-05:00

i'm down 3 more lbs since i last wrote, which is good but i've been having a real hard time sticking to my fasts. totally fell off my last attempt. and i've been binging/purging every night at about 10pm or so. its crazy. anywho. today is a new day. and so far all i've had is: 2 sugar free red bulls (20 cals), lots and lots of Smart Water (no cals, full of electrolytes ----> def suggest drinking this water when attempting a fast). and 2 sips of vitamin water (unsure how many cals, but one serving equals 50 so if i had to guesstimate i would say maybe 10). it is currently 2:25 pm in the afternoon. my hardest time will be dinner at 5pm bcuz i will be feeding my daughter and my mother-in-law will be eating with us. keep your fingers crossed for me girls.

i originally wanted to start this new plan, based on 2-4-6. this is a metabolism boosting trick that it "suppose" to help your body burn more calories faster. but, unfortunately i needed caffeine so bad and i was out with my daughter, so i gave in and bought 2 sugar free red bulls.

anyways, here is the meta trick plan.

Monday - 0 cals - water only fast.
Tuesday - Little cals - liquid only fast (can have sugar free red bulls, vitamin water, and watered-down juice)
Wednesday - 200 cals - proteins and veggies if possible.
Thursday - 400 cals - proteins, veggies, and little dairy if possible.
Friday - 600 cals - proteins, veggies, and dairy.
Saturday - 800 cals - proteins, veggies, fruits and dairy.
Sunday (AKA eat day) - 1000 cals - anything, as long as you don't go over 1000 max.

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 125 LBS
BMI - 21.46

nothing specific, just the usual bitching....

2010-01-26T14:51:00.000-05:00

been pretty good at keeping my calorie intake below 900, although nights have been difficult so i've been purging anything after 6pm. i've kind of given up on hiding it from my husband. i mean, i still run the bath and lock the door. but, that's about it. anyhow, i'm tired a lot, i've noticed recently and i've been distracted from exercise. i need to get back into more of a steady routine. a new gym is openning near us and is starting this outstanding deal ---> $1 down and then $10 per month, no contract, no commitment. sounds good to me. now i just need to get my husband to agree, considering he's maintaining the finances while i try to get a job around here.

i've been slowly but surely making some progress. i've been dropping a LB every couple of days or so. i'm pleased so far, but wish it would go faster. i'm going to try a liquid fast tomorrow (nothing but green tea, water, a little juice, and possibly sugar free red bulls).

blah, blah, blah.... this is boring. i'm bored a lot. my daughter is still awake for christsakes, hasn't napped today. but she's doing good staying in bed just mumbling to herself. i'm going to get her up in about 15 minutes and walk her to the park. that's a good 2 miles, plus she'll get some much needed playtime in.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 128 LBS

BMI - 21.97

arbitrary nonsense

2010-01-22T20:20:00.000-05:00

been struggling with ED since pre-adolescence. i guess i was about 12 when i truly started obsessing about my weight. well, no.... my dad died when i was twelve and i distinctly remember bitching to him about how fat i was. so pre-12 some time. prior to his death. definitely. anywho.

lowest weight ever (well, since i was a teen in middle school and all through high school) - 100 LBS. i've never dropped below since.

highest weight ever - 170 LBS (and i was pregnant and delivering at the time, believe me, i dropped that as soon as she was out of me).

longest staying weight (meaning average weight for me the past 10 years or so) - 120 to 125 LBS

preferred weight (goal) - 110 LBS

age - 29
height - 5'4
weight - 129 LBS
BMI - 22.14

back to the grind...

2010-01-21T14:01:00.000-05:00

okay. so i'm down to 129lbs. i haven't had any wine in two days (which is great considering i've been drinking it constantly since my internship initially began and then began to kill a bottle a night once my internship ended ). i've been attempting to walk my daughter to the park every day (2 miles ) and keep my cal intake at 1000 or below. hopefully i'll be at 115lbs before i know it. i'm thinking i'll be at 128lbs tomorrow morning.

funny (ironic) situation. my husband comes up to me and says: "hey, let's start jogging when i get home at night." HA! in my head i'm like HELL YEAH more calories to burn. and with him on my case to do it (as a bonding experience or some bull), i'll be more likely to stick to it as a routine every night. awesome. and then at the same time i feel guilty for not looking at it as what it really is.... him trying to connect with me. him knowing its what i like. EXERCISE. and he hates it. he's a smoker for christ sakes. he's actually trying to 'do something with me' that i want to do.

blah. blah. blah. sometimes i feel like a total selfish bitch. everything has to be my way in order to fulfill my priorities. the world revolves around me. the sun will not rise without me. and then.... here i am, attempting to restrict calorie intake and puke my guts out until i disappear. i'm a damn dichotomy. and i'm not sure what it is i honestly want. all i know is that i enjoy working with kids and i really need to get out of myself and help others in order to be.... okay.

age - 29

height - 5'4

weight - 129 LBS

BMI - 22.14

lost focus

height - 5'4

weight -135 LBS

BMI 23.17